I had my monthly infusion today! Also, it’s my 26th wedding anniversary. I was telling my infusion nurse that I should probably be more excited about the latter, but it’s hard to feel like celebrating when you can barely move your legs. So celebration will just have to wait until my energy returns. Thankfully my husband is very understanding, and also not super into these types of annual celebrations anyway. He’s just happy to be able to spend any time with me, and it doesn’t have to be on the exact day. What can I say? We just aren’t romantic people. It works for us.
When I came home from my infusion I considered all the things that need to be done: laundry, cleaning bathrooms, clerical household tasks – told them all they can wait – and then ate a robust and delicious salad and took a solid nap. The weather was beautiful today and I really wanted to go for a run but that has to wait too. Because the effects from the infusion aren’t immediate. I’m hoping I feel up for running tomorrow. Even if it’s at a turtle’s pace, that’s fine because that happens to be my specialty.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading to keep me occupied while dealing with this damn fatigue. I have a really hard time sitting still, so reading makes me feel like I’m “doing” something, even if I’m not always fully comprehending what I’m reading. I finished a couple books this past week and am onto a few more. One of the books was about running – Let Your Mind Run by Deena Kastor – and I absolutely loved hearing about what goes through her head while training for and running major races. I’m a big fan of all of the female professional runners and have read several others’ memoirs. I was surprised that I actually felt a kinship with Deena as I read her stories of dealing with fatigue and injury. I felt like I’ve learned a lot of those same lessons while dealing with MS, and maybe that’s why I’ve come to love running so much. Even though I’ll never be considered fast, the challenge of running with MS will always drive me. I have a 10k coming up in June that I definitely need to start getting ready for, and I’m hoping to run a half marathon in the fall. Reading Deena’s book brought back my own memories of training, and I realized how much I miss it. I’m just praying that my health and legs can remain stable and allow me to continue.
This morning I was up with the kids getting ready for school, as usual. I even stayed up after they left and worked on some grocery lists for my husband to pick up later in the week. By 10 I was exhausted so I ate a small something and went back to bed. Slept a solid 2 hours. Well, I woke up part way through but was so groggy and my legs felt like cement, so I went back to sleep for a bit longer. I had a dream where I was in an office, chatting with a coworker. She was talking about having been journaling, and how it turned into a blog post. At my request, she shared her blog with me and then I told her how much I missed writing. It was an oddly normal interaction. Usually my dreams are much stranger.
It’s true though. I miss writing. I also miss working, but not in the way I used to. Not anymore with the delusions that I will someday be able to work. Especially not after this latest wave of fatigue. This one hit hard on a Wednesday, eight days before my infusion. Have you ever heard the term, “velvet hammer”? I remember hearing it when I was young. My dad used to use it in reference to the effects of Nyquil. It’s a soft but effective blow that knocks you on your feet and prevents you from getting up. That’s the way fatigue has been acting this past week. It hits, knocks me out for awhile, I sleep, I get up and do necessary things super slowly, and then it hits again. Thankfully it hasn’t been constant, but it’s frustratingly unpredictable. This is a reminder to myself that I cannot hold a job. I can’t be counted on for much. Every commitment is always a maybe with me. My family counts on me for food and clean towels, but not a whole lot more. They can see when I’m fatiguing and hold back on the requests. I’m thankful for that.
We hosted Easter dinner yesterday for my in-laws and I was so grateful to be able to have them in my home and to feed them a delicious meal, but I’m paying for it today. It’s the price of living life.
The thing is, I do recognize I have choices. I could choose to say no to all the social functions, and I sometimes do. I can say no to the dinners with friends and family, weekly prayer and Bible studies and then I would likely not have such debilitating fatigue. But I don’t want to miss out on living my life. I don’t want to miss out on interactions with my friends and family. So if this is the price I have to pay, so be it. I’ll ride this horrific roller coaster and suffer the lows to experience the highs.
An email came through this morning from an MS newsletter asking “what is your biggest hurdle?” Fatigue. Hands down, fatigue is my biggest hurdle. All the other damage MS has caused? Vision loss, hearing loss, cognitive dysfunction. I can deal with that, I can still find a way to be me. The fatigue, however, takes me out of my body and mind and leaves me a shell of who I was. Hate is a strong word but it applies here. I hate what fatigue takes away from me. The ability to do the things I want to do. Care for my family, laugh with my friends, write for my soul. It’s as if I’m in a waking coma. When I was super sick in 2013 and sleeping 20 hours a day? It didn’t really bother me because I wasn’t conscious. It was everyone around me whose hearts were breaking. But with fatigue, I am fully aware that life is happening all around me, and I’m unable to be a part of it. That’s hard, folks.
I realize this post is dark. It definitely took a turn, and I don’t want to bring you down. But this is my blog, after all, so if you can’t deal, feel free to move along. It’s fine. I won’t be hurt. I think I’m just trying to get back to authentic writing and this felt like something worth sharing. From journal to blog. Weird, I know, but it worked for the lady in my dream. The whole point of my blog is to give you a glimpse of my life with M.S. (and running, which is kind of still happening, more on that another time) and the real truth is that I have bad days but I also have good days, and I’ll try to keep talking about both. MS has altered my life 180 degrees from where I thought it would be, but I’ve been able to find joy and strength in so many unexpected ways. So stay tuned, if you dare, and I hope to share more of those things too. Soon. But for now, I might go back for nap #2…
Number ten! How about that? I think at this point we’ll just see how long I can keep it up.
Today is Saturday, so I was able to sleep in, which was wonderful. I did some reading and studying in the morning and then my husband and I headed out to get lunch and head to his mom’s house to help her with some technical issues. He is an only child and he does an amazing job helping both his mom and his dad with various tasks. I hope we get that lucky when our kids are grown. We had a great time visiting with her, and Mike was able to get her all squared away.
When we arrived home I made a ham and cheese fritatta for dinner. My daughter doesn’t like eggs, potatoes, or cheese, so she declined to eat with us, and my son wanted frozen burritos, so he was on his own to make those. I hadn’t made a fritatta in ages so I used a recipe to be sure I had the ratios right, but I messed it up a little. I had a hard time reading the steps in the recipe and put the cheese in too early, so I just added more at the end. It was a tad crispy but we both liked it, and I’ve dubbed the new creation, Melly Fritatta. No pictures, it was hideous. Hideous, yet tasty, and I’m looking forward to eating the leftovers tomorrow.
It’s common knowledge around here that I’m not much of a cook, so I was happy to make something that landed well at least with the adults. I’ve come to accept that I won’t be able to please my teenagers with my cooking. If you know, you know.
And that was pretty much my day. Next week I have holiday treat making to do, as well as finishing up the gift wrapping. It should be a lot more chill than this week was, and I hope I don’t regret saying that, because it may jinx it. We’ll see how it goes!
I decided this morning that I want to do a daily post and see how long I can keep it up. Just a recap, no editing or fussing over wording or details, just stream of consciousness, talk about my day, and call it good.
So, day 1 here, December 5, 2024 started off around midnight, 1 am, waking up with a migraine. I took various pain medications throughout the night and eventually it was calmed enough to let me sleep. Hubby putting pressure on my forehead and holding my hand didn’t hurt either. I tend to get very panicky when I get these migraines, so if nothing else his gentle presence kept me from spiraling into a panic attack.
When I woke up in the morning (kids had a snow day so I was able to sleep in a little) I still had the shadow of the migraine so I took a 600 mg Motrin so that I could be comfortable for my infusion later in the morning. I had also had night sweats, which I found interesting. I haven’t had a migraine or night sweats in some time so it makes me wonder why they made a reappearance on the same night. Oh well. Onward.
I got my infusion and had zero issues with the IV – yay! – so that was a relief. I had some issues with my pickup ride running late due to the roads, but the ride home went fine and I survived it all. I’ve been having frustrations with Spec-tran because they are short on drivers and the people scheduling their routes clearly don’t know how to read a map, so getting anywhere on time can be a gamble. I’m still so thankful for that service, but I also still really miss being able to drive myself places.
This next update is long, so settle in: About a month or so ago I met with a woman from Michigan’s Bureau of Services for Blind People (BSBP) to talk about training for using a white cane, and various other O&M (orientation and mobility) training. This is new information, y’all. I’ve considered using a white cane, off and on, for as long as I’ve had low vision, and I just decided it was finally time. The majority of the time I’m out and about I do fine, but there are the handful of times where I’m out in public, in unfamiliar places, and I feel completely unsafe. Super anxious. And when I realized how much anxiety I was feeling so often, I determined that maybe I could do something about it. I’ll be honest, I was absolutely conflicted about the idea of using a cane, because it can draw a certain attention to myself (mainly fawning, which I loathe), but in the end, after much prayer and pondering, I decided to take that step. So I met with a woman from the BSBP and we are working on getting me approved for services. After talking with her for a good length of time, I was so encouraged at all the ways they can help. Ways that I didn’t even realize I could use the help. Ways I’ve adapted over time, muscled my way through, and now I’m just tired. So tired.
I have a white cane that a friend gave me to use several years ago. She is blind herself and this was one she no longer used. We are around the same height so she figured it would suit me well. And it absolutely does, but I still need proper training. I did watch some YouTube videos to learn what I could, and I’m comfortable using it, but I know training is still needed in order to get the most benefit out of it.
You guys, it’s a game changer! I took it with me on a women’s retreat and used it while we were shopping in downtown Saugatuck. Outdoor walking, lots of cracks and bumps on the sidewalk. But with the cane informing me of what was to come, I was able to walk with my head up, not staring down just past my feet. I was even able to engage in conversation with the other women and that was probably my favorite part.
I had to make it fun, so I named the cane. Casey. Casey Cane. And she is now my companion for special outings. I take her to the gym with me and she is very useful for riding the bus. When I’m holding Casey, the bus driver doesn’t rush to leave. They actually wait until I’m seated before they start moving the bus again. It’s wonderful!
Another benefit to having Casey is that when walking in crowded areas, people aren’t expecting me to get out of their way if they are walking towards me. I’ve been in busy areas before where people nearly plowed through me, and it’s quite scary because I really can’t see them coming until they are very close.
The problem with my disability is that I look completely fine to strangers. In society, we have unspoken expectations on others. So it helps that they can see Casey and know that it means I can’t see well and likely need more space and time. I have said before it would be so much easier if I just had a sign on my shirt that says, “Deaf/Blind” much like the running vest I wear. So rather than wear a bright orange Deaf/Blind vest on outings, I’m going with something a little less obnoxious, a white cane.
Oh, and the best part? ZERO people have made a fuss over it. No fawning, whatsoever. They just carry on like it’s been there all along. I absolutely love it.
Since this is just a daily recap, I’ll finish off with the dish I prepared for dinner. Chicken and broccoli alfredo. I used a rotisserie chicken, and it was my first time breaking down a chicken, so I was pretty nervous about that. Since I couldn’t really see what I was doing it was all done by feel. I felt like I did okay, but one of my husband’s first bites was a piece of gristle or bone or something. Ack! That just ruins the whole dish you know? But my portion was tasty, so hopefully that was the only piece I missed. I made the alfredo sauce from scratch because it’s super easy, and storebought alfredo is crap. Overall I thought it was a yummy dish, and my son agreed, so I’ll keep the recipe for a repeat down the road and hopefully I can do better with the chicken next time. I put notes on how it went in my recipe app (Plan to Eat), because I know I’ll forget this information.
And that’s all for my recap. I’m pretty spent from the day and looking forward to tomorrow. I have to get some lab work done because they ordered the wrong test on a crucial item last time. But I’ll leave you there because I can talk about that in tomorrow’s daily update. How about that? Good night, and we’ll talk tomorrow!
I don’t know if any of you have heard of “75 Hard” but it’s this bazonkers challenge that some guy made up a few years ago, and it seems to have quite the following.
The challenge is this: For 75 consecutive days you must complete the following tasks: 1) Drink one gallon of water 2) Follow a diet of your choosing, no cheat days! 3) Read 10 pages of a nonfiction book 4) Complete two non-consecutive 45-minute workouts, 1 of which must be outdoors 5) Take a progress picture
If you miss any of the tasks even once, you have to start all over again on Day One. Oof.
A good friend of mine completed this challenge a couple years ago, and she is now working the challenge once again. When she did it the first time, I seriously gave it some thought but never did anything with it. This second time I felt compelled to hop on and give it a shot.
Now a couple of these things were easy for me. I have been intermittent fasting since March of 2023 so following a diet wasn’t a big deal. I would just be more intentional about sticking with my chosen eating and fasting “windows”. No problem.
Reading 10 pages of nonfiction? I’m a huge reader, and 90% of what I enjoy reading is nonfiction. Again, no problem.
Taking a progress picture is a simple enough task, and thankfully no one would have to see it but me, so the trick was just to remember to do it. Easy peasy.
It’s the gallon of water and 2 daily exercises that were the real challenge for me. I don’t mind drinking water, but I prefer coffee, and that doesn’t count. So I just had to be intentional about sipping from and refilling my water bottle throughout the day. I even bought myself a larger bottle (half gallon) so I would only need to refill once during the day. However, since I had just been coming off training for the Sleeping Bear half marathon, I was already in the habit of daily hydrating so this wasn’t a huge deal.
For the exercising I was doing an outdoor walk and indoor Fitbod workout each day. That was going very well, and with all the water I was drinking, my muscles were recovering well every day. I would feel a bit of soreness but it never stuck around for long. I was feeling really good!
Y’all, I lasted 8 days. That 9th day I had a super busy day morning to night. Doctor appointment for me, orthodontist for both kids, and having to use paratransit to get everywhere means every trip takes awhile and has zero flexibility. But that wasn’t what killed the challenge for me. I had been out of town the weekend prior and the day before I came back, my husband left for a 3 day work trip. So on that bonkers day with all the appointments, that evening I just wanted to spend time with my husband. I had to make a decision – stay home and complete my workouts (because all the appointments prevented me from getting them done earlier) or ride with my husband to take our daughter to her horse riding lesson. I chose the latter, ending my 75 Hard challenge streak, and I have no regrets.
I may try again some other time, but I don’t know. I strongly felt like God had been leading me to that challenge, so I had to really ponder why. I think He was trying to show me how much my daily life had been lacking in discipline. And while 75 Hard was very much an all or nothing thing, installing discipline into your life doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to be intentional. So now I’ve been thinking a lot more about how I can maintain that intentionality but in a way that fits with my impairments and my daily life. I’m being humbled here. I need to cut out a lot of things in my life for awhile that were distracting me. I would spend hours on Facebook or Netflix or the stupid coloring app on my phone, and before I knew it, I had lost most of the day. Since I’m not working, I don’t have anyone telling me what or when things need to be done. I am the boss of my life, and I had been doing a shoddy job of it.
So I decided to make my own list: 1) Read 10 pages of a book 2) Exercise for 30 minutes 3) Drink a half gallon of water 4) Pray/study the Bible for 30 minutes 5) Write for 30 minutes
The times listed are just minimums of course. I just list them that way so I have measurable goals. I found a habit tracking app so I can keep the list in front of me and check things off as I go. It will be satisfying to see streaks of habits, but I’m allowing myself the ability to skip days if necessary. Some days my body and mind need rest, and I’m going to honor that. But I’m working really hard to not slip back into bad habits. While binging on Netflix seems like it would be restful, it’s really not. And it’s discouraging when you come off of a session of 6 episodes of Reba and realize you’ve lost your whole day, and you still need to put away that laundry you washed last Tuesday, and you have no idea what you are going to feed your people for dinner.
So yeah. I’m working on some healthy habits. I was gonna say “new” healthy habits, but then caught myself. These are not new. I’m working on some healthy habits – again. And I should say, it feels pretty damn good.
This week, I’m pretty sure *I* was the sleeping bear. I’m gonna warn you right here, this is more than a running post. I’m gonna detour and touch on family matters and a little on perimenopause. If you can’t handle that, please move along. Thank you very much. If you’re game, please continue.
Sunday – I slept 8 hours, 43 minutes the night before. Not a lot of activity. I think I went to church. Yes, yes I did and I went to Planet Fitness afterwards to use the hydromassage beds. That was needed. I was still in a lot of pain from last week.
Me and the husband, hanging out in the parking garage like a couple of dorks in love. Scene behind us overlooks Detroit: Little Caesar’s Arena, Ford Field, etc.
Monday – Slept 9 hours, 36 minutes. I had planned to do strength training but according to my records, I did not. I did take a wicked nap in the afternoon in preparation for taking our daughter to her first concert. She was going with a friend to see Pierce the Veil and Blink 182, and hubs and I had a dinner date while we waited. I got a little teary eyed seeing her walk off towards the venue, knowing how much this meant to her. It was a good day. My babies are growing up so fast (more on that to come).
Cornfield behind me, this is one of the dead-ends in my neighborhood. This was just after I hit 4 miles and I so badly wanted to quit early and go straight home.
Tuesday – Slept 7 hours, 44 minutes. Ran 5 miles with hills. We’ve got a couple gnarly hills around our neighborhood and I was very pleased to see that my lungs and legs are handling them much better! This is growth, and great progress. It can only get better from here, if I stay consistent with the strength and hill training.
Wednesday – Slept 10 hours, 30 minutes. Took my daughter to the doctor for a well child visit. She’s doing well. Very healthy. Could use some improvements in her diet, which I’m sure is true of most teenagers (she’s 14). Right after getting a mom-requested lecture from the doctor about getting more fruits and veggies into her diet, she stood up and a package of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes fell out of her pocket. And, thank you for making my point, my dear! It was quite comical.
Thursday – Slept 9 hours, 40 minutes. I guess I didn’t do any training on this day. Probably more napping. I know I did have a lot of family management stuff I was working on so that’s probably what took all my time and energy. That and we took my daughter (Zebra Cake girl) shopping for some back to school clothes. I don’t remember what time we got home but I remember going straight to bed.
Friday – Slept 10 hours, 13 minutes. More family management stuff most of the day. Fitbod workout, 58 minutes. Triceps, shoulders, chest and lower back.
Saturday – Went to bed just before 8 pm the night before, which put my total sleep at 11 hours and 37 minutes. I was so tired. I did wake up around 4 am, read a book for about 10 minutes before going back to sleep. Because why not? This has been the pattern, and I believe it’s why I can “sleep” so many hours and still be tired the next day. It’s not great. I am blaming hormones and perimenopause, and have plans to see my ob/gyn doctor about it, eventually.
I say eventually, because I’ve been super preoccupied with managing my family’s schedules and clerical needs lately. I have one teenager just about to start driving and the other one entering his senior year of high school. And yes, the older is fully capable of doing many things on his own, but he is still living here and still in school and can always use some guidance. That and many things still require parental approval because he’s under 18. I don’t talk about my kids much here mostly because they have become their own people and they don’t need mom blabbing about their lives. They have social media, if they want to blab about their lives they can. But I will say that I am super proud of both of them.
My son is growing and maturing so fast I can’t keep up. Between his sports, friendships, and various jobs, he moves through this house like a hurricane and I barely get a chance to sit down and have chats with him. But when I do, I’m always blown away at who he is becoming and I’m excited to see where he goes in life.
My daughter is almost the polar opposite of her brother. She is an introverted homebody, and we always know where she is. I suspect that may change when she starts driving and working, but I’m enjoying having her around while I can. We have the best conversations, and I love hearing how her mind works. She is confident in who she is and I love that. I wish I had that at her age.
As we look to starting another school year, I’m reflecting on how far we’ve come as a family. We’ve been through so many challenges over the years. What I am proud of is the fact that we fought through all of our challenges as a unit. When one of us was falling, the other three were around to catch them. We work together to support each other, lend a hand, and let each other know we are not alone. Sure, we argue from time to time but overall we know we are loved no matter what. I hope we never lose that.
And that concludes my weekly training/life update. I imagine once the kids are back in school I’ll put more effort into writing more frequently. But still, I make no promises.
“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human, are created, strengthened and maintained.” ― Winston S. Churchill
I had originally started this post around the new year, and forgot about it. As we are coming up on the anniversary of the events, I thought it would be a good time to finish the story. Also, a disclaimer: the photos included here lack captions because 1) I couldn’t figure out how to add captions and 2) with my vision I’m not even entirely sure what’s in each photo. So I apologize to all the other visually impaired readers out there.
In April of 2021, my husband Mike and I were looking forward to celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary with a weekend trip up north (Up North being a big deal in Michigan). We had planned to leave Friday afternoon, while the kids were still at school, and Grandma was to come and stay the weekend with them.
On this fateful Friday morning, I was frantically awoken by my husband. When I opened my eyes I could sense there was an emergency but could not tell what. I hurried to put on my cochlear implants, and when I did Mike handed me a stack of towels and said “You work up here, I’ll work downstairs.” A few short steps from my bed, and it did not take me long to realize that the floor was soaked. Our bathroom sink had been left running when I got up several hours earlier to use the toilet. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I had gotten up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and left the water running. Only every other time it had happened, my husband was awake enough to hear it and made sure I got back up to turn the water off. This time that did not happen. The water had been running for several hours, and because it was a slow drain, the water quickly overflowed. The water had spread from our master bathroom, to the carpeted hallway, and through the floor to the main floor ceiling to the kitchen. And then through the kitchen floor to the basement ceiling.
I was devastated. Stunned. In disbelief. In a whirlwind of activity we managed to send the kids off to school and get everything cleaned up the best we could. It was still very early in the morning so while we waited to talk with an insurance agent, I sat on my husband’s lap and sobbed into his shoulder. Not only was our trip cancelled, but I couldn’t believe the mass destruction I had caused to our home. Mike had nothing but compassion for me. He had been angry all of 3 seconds when he discovered the damage, but from every moment thereafter he was in problem solver mode. He kept saying this could be a blessing in disguise. I had always hated the look of our kitchen, and now we would get to pick out our own cabinets, countertops, floors, etc. It could be fun!
I wouldn’t say the process was fun, however it was nice to discover I did have opinions when it came to the kitchen and bathroom designs. And there were a million little decisions we had to make together, so it gave us some good practice as a married couple. After 22 years of marriage it was nice to find we could work out our differences and make compromises without killing each other.
When the restoration crew came to assess the damage they brought very loud drying machines and put them on all 3 floors of the house. They had to cut holes in the kitchen and basement ceilings to get them dried. They ripped out our soaked kitchen and bathroom cabinets, and with them the countertops they were holding up. They put up plastic sheets as barriers because they had detected mold in the kitchen. It was a mess.
We got to work right away at choosing replacement materials, but there were supply chain issues so it did take longer than we had hoped for. We still had use of our fridge and stove, but no place to prepare food or wash dishes, so we lived on fast food for the next several months.
Oh, did I mention that I had already started training for my first marathon at this point? Yep. Marathon training on a fast food diet? Not ideal. But our family got really good at knowing how to get the best deals at all the fast food restaurants. Biggie Bags at Wendy’s, Five Dollar Boxes at Taco Bell, all the value menus. It was fun! (She said, facetiously.)
Anyway, all was restored by early September, just days before my marathon, and it was beautiful. I was so happy to have my kitchen back, I swore to never talk about hating to cook every again. I am grateful for the privilege of having a kitchen to prepare food in.
We put a motion sensor faucet in our bathroom, so that this would never happen again. It took a little getting used to, but it’s been effective; I’ve never left my bathroom faucet running because I’m not able to. I seem to remember one of our kids asking around this time, “why don’t we put one in the kids bathroom too?” And the reply being that there was no reason to because Mom never uses that bathroom. Well, never say never…
Fast forward to April of 2022, almost a year following the major flood. I was blasting my music through my cochlear implants, drowning out all other sounds, and doing a bunch of power cleaning. I noticed the dryer was quite dusty, so I grabbed a washcloth and ran to the nearest bathroom (the kids bathroom, which is the other full upstairs bathroom) to wet the cloth and wipe down the dryer. I continued my work, flittering around the house. My daughter had come home from school, used the small bathroom just off the kitchen, and when she walked out of the bathroom noticed a problem. She hurried upstairs to let me know, “Mom, the kitchen ceiling is leaking!”
I had NO idea what could be causing that but I zoomed into crisis mode. I handed her a bunch of towels and told her to grab a large bowl from the kitchen cabinets, put it under the leak, and start drying the floor (our practically brand new kitchen floor!). I was frantic, not knowing what to do, so I called my husband. He calmly walked me through turning the water off in the house and then gave suggestions for where to check for the source of the leak. I walked upstairs and opened the door to the kid’s bathroom (why was the door shut anyway?) and walked into a cloud of steam and water dripping off the countertop. It was then that I realized I had left the water running after wetting the cloth to clean the dryer. I could not believe it. I had done it again. Thankfully my daughter had caught it in time and the damage was not as severe, but the damage to my ego was just as devastating the second time around, if not more so. I had come to learn after the first flood that it was actually quite common, for people to leave faucets running and flood their homes. I never learned the statistics for two-time offenders but I was sure it was more rare.
The ironic thing is, we had planned a trip for our 23rd anniversary, since we didn’t get to take it the year before. And when I asked Grandma to come stay with the kids, I told her – jokingly – I wouldn’t flood the house this time. And then, of course, I did. Thankfully it happened a few weeks before the trip so we were still able to go. And boy, did we need that trip. It was just for the weekend, but it gave us time to process and reflect on all that had happened, and to be thankful that we were still crazy in love even after all the difficult things we’ve been through. Maybe even more so because of the difficult things we’ve endured. And when we look at those challenges we’ve had to face over the decades, dealing with a flood or two is no big deal.
Now I’m just praying that I make it through this year without causing another major disaster. And I’m extremely grateful that my family loves me despite my propensity for calamity and can laugh about it all now!
I hopped on today and saw that I hadn’t posted in nearly a month. Which is crazy, because it’s not like I’ve been on vacation or anything. Cuz, you know, the coronavirus and all. I live in Michigan, and if you’ve heard, we are under an executive order from our Governor to stay at home. I’m not going to go into all that because I’m so tired of all the political talk and the pandemic news and it’s all very emotionally exhausting. Which I suppose is why I haven’t been posting.
That is not to say I haven’t been up to anything. I completed an afghan for a nephew and started another one for a niece. I have 14 nieces and nephews and I’ve completed 6 blankets, so I’m almost halfway done! It’s a great way to pass the time. The pattern I use is very repetitive so I don’t even have to think about it much. I will usually crochet while listening to an audiobook or a podcast or watching tv.
I also have acquired a couple new gadgets. Mom toys, if you will. I bought myself a Ninja Foodi pressure cooker/air fryer thingamajig to celebrate my 21st wedding anniversary last month. I figured it was like a gift for both of us, because I have fun using it, and my husband gets to enjoy the food I make in it. Then for Mother’s Day my husband bought me (us) a robot vacuum. Like a Roomba but an off-brand. I didn’t think I would love it, and it’s such a cliché thing to buy for the mother of your children, but I am having fun with it. There is an APP you can use to operate it, and I’m a big fan of apps, so that kind of sold me on the whole idea. That and I believe our house is starting to smell a little less like dog and bacon grease.
I’ve been reading a lot of books lately. I recently finished Where the Crawdads Sing and I absolutely loved the entire story. It ended in a way that I did not expect, and it was beautiful. I’m not one to re-read books, but that’s one I think I could read over and over and not get tired of.
I also finished the audiobook, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, as read by it’s author, Stephen King. I haven’t read many of King’s books but what I have read I’ve enjoyed, and I love the movies that have been made based on his stories (Stand By Me, The Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption). I’m not generally into sci-fi or paranormal and I definitely don’t enjoy downright scary stuff, but those were all stories I enjoyed. And for all the crazy stuff he writes, Stephen KIng is a surprisingly normal guy. In this book he gave a lot of great advice for aspiring writers, so if that’s you, I highly recommend reading it.
Last night I stayed up super late reading The Giver of Stars by Jojo Moyes. I had to stay up late in order to finish it before the library loan ended, but also I just had to know how it ended! This was a great book based on a true story and was extremely thought provoking. Worth a read, for sure.
I think that’s all for now, folks. The month of May is crawling along while I hide away in my little turtle shell. Until I poke my head out again, I wish you all well!
From Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird”, “Sometimes this human stuff is slimy and pathetic – jealousy especially so – but better to feel it and talk about it and walk through it then to spend a lifetime being silently poisoned.”
This excerpt from the book really resonated with me, and I’ll tell you why. It’s not about jealousy really, but the slimy and pathetic stuff. This is personal, so bear with me. It’s kind of like ripping off a band-aid to find your wound is still all oozy and gross.
I am a sort of passive-aggressive person. I tend to walk around with my issues held close to my chest, with a smile on my face so nobody will know anything is bothering me. The problem comes when the issues start festering, and it’s hard to contain the angst. It starts spilling out here and there, like when you’re eating popcorn and you think you’re getting it all in your mouth only to find out later you have some stuck in your cowlneck sweater (not that that’s ever happened to me, *wink wink*). No, you can’t hide or ignore your issues. Especially with your family. They live with you, they know you best. They know something’s up.
So lately I’ve been walking around with this resentment in my heart. Ugly, nasty resentment aimed indirectly at my dear, loving, hardworking husband. And it seeps out in nasty ways when tensions are high, or the kids are being more challenging than usual. I just get grumpy and mean and downright nasty. So at church last Sunday I had some extra time to sit and really pray about this. I told God what I was feeling, as if He didn’t already know, and asked Him to help me let it go. I seriously struggle with the letting go. I asked a couple friends to also pray that God would help me let go of this ugliness I was clinging to.
I left church that morning still feeling rather conflicted and icky but I had hope that God would come through on my request, eventually. I had no idea how quickly He would answer my prayer! I went to a baby shower that afternoon and had a conversation with a woman I had not seen in years, and while we talked she was expressing some of the same things my husband has and yet I wasn’t judging her for it the way I had with my husband. The realization came fast and clear, and that’s when something opened up in my heart and I felt like the Grinch when his heart grew bigger. I went home that evening and confessed to my husband why I had been such a grump lately and why I had been so cold towards him on so many occasions. I told him I knew how hard he worked to be the best dad and husband he could be, and that I appreciated it and I was working at becoming more grateful. Guess what? He didn’t look at me with contempt and tell me I could sleep on the couch from now on. Nope. He looked at me with a look of understanding and love and he reached out to hold my hand. Because that’s what marriage is. For better or worse, always.
So, my friends, I share this because I want to encourage you to be brave enough to be humble and gracious, and don’t make friends with your grudges. Call them out for what they are: ugly pieces of garbage. Just let them go. And if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, let Him handle it. It’s kind of His specialty.
Today is our official anniversary! I woke up this morning and Mike said to me “you know what today is?” And I kid you not, I said “uuum, Wednesday?” Because I legitimately drew a blank when it came to the day. We celebrated last weekend so in my mind, I had already moved on.
So just a little about our trip. We went to Traverse City because that’s where we honeymooned. Twenty years ago we stayed in what was then my grandpa’s future retirement home on Old Mission Peninsula. He and my grandma built the house intending to retire there some day, but my grandma passed away from breast cancer before they could realize their dream. Grandpa since sold the property, and the new owners tore down the house and built something bigger and more extravagant. (They kept the garage though!) We were able to snap a selfie with the house in the background, but we didn’t dare step too far onto the property for fear they would see us and think we were a couple of creepers. (I don’t know what a creeper is, I’m just making that a term.)
Revisiting the site of our honeymoon, 20 years later.
I mentioned that my grandma passed away from breast cancer. She was someone very special to all of us, and I miss her dearly. We had a special connection, but I feel like she had a bit of a special connection with all of us in the family. She had a magical way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the room. She truly loved her family, and gave her heart and soul to each of us, every second she had the opportunity. I was in high school when she passed away and I always wished she could have met Mike. I feel like they would have gotten along well. He would have loved her spunk. Anyway, so I was able to visit her grave stone, and kind of say a little hello and let her know I still miss her. It’s kind of sad but kind of sweet that she and grandpa will be together again – “retired” – on the peninsula. Sort of like they planned, but not really.
The entire weekend was very relaxing. We are a no frills kind of couple. Not much for romance. We just enjoy each other’s company and I suppose that’s how we’ve lasted this long. It was extremely refreshing to be able to have an entire weekend together, just the two of us. We ate good food, we saw beautiful sights, we took seriously solid naps, and we caught a beautiful sunrise over the West Bay. It was better than I could have hoped for, and I hope we don’t wait another 20 years to take another trip together.
Just goofing off at the playground like a couple of kids
Mike, I love you. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me stronger. These last 20 years have been quite a ride, but I wouldn’t have wanted to spend them with anyone else. You are my perfect partner in life, and I look forward to the next 20 years.
Sunrise over the West Bay. Traverse City, MI
Deaf and half-blind runner with multiple sclerosis
Little M.S. Runner 