Category Archives: Disability

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Health Update (Warning: this is a long one)

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I have great news. My fatigue levels have been going steadily down, my left leg has become way more responsive, and as of today, I am feeling zero nerve pain on my back! I can cautiously say I am back to my previous “normal”.

I first noticed the energy levels coming back a few days ago. I had been walking around the house, originally for accomplishing only necessary tasks like using the restroom and drinking coffee. But somehow along the way I realized I was *also* picking things up and putting them away, cleaning small problem areas in various rooms. It was only when my daughter said to me, “you need to sit down”, that I realized I had been doing anything extra. I thought she was telling me to sit down so I wouldn’t spill my coffee (as I often do), but she said it because she noticed I was audibly out of breath from walking up the stairs.  That was the moment it dawned on me. I had been cleaning, and that walk up the stairs to my bedroom was the last straw for my lungs, apparently.

Let me just pause the update right here and share with you the poignant realization that came to me at this time. What dawned on me was this: I am not a lazy person. I do the things that need to be done, when I am able. Even more surprising, I don’t often have to think about it; I just do it. This realization gave me such pause because one of the things I’ve been struggling with over these several weeks of constant fatigue is the feeling like I’m not measuring up because I’m not doing the things I normally do. I was feeling like an unproductive and lazy person. I don’t know why the voices in my head tell me such awful lies, but they do. So while I was happy to have some energy creeping back, I was also sad to think that all that time when I could have been resting peacefully and allowing my body to heal from this wretched attack on my nerves, instead I was beating myself up for not being more productive. I think we like to call this, “stinkin’ thinkin'”, and it’s got to stop.

So I’m putting this here for two reasons. One – so that I can come back to it when those awful thoughts inevitably come back to haunt me and two – so that you can learn from my mistakes and be kinder to yourself as well.

Now back to my health update…

When I realized all these symptoms that had crept up weren’t going away, I had reached out to my neurologist’s office. They ordered lab tests, which all came back normal. They would have liked to see current MRIs to check for active lesions on my brain and spine, but since I have cochlear implants that’s not an option for me. Some newer cochlear implants are safe for certain MRI machines, but not mine. I would have to have them surgically removed first. Not happening, that’s overkill. So, since they couldn’t get updated MRIs, we just moved forward with treating my symptoms. The nurse practitioner talked with me for over an hour in her office, discussing diet, exercise, sleep, stress levels. Through our discussion I think we landed on two possible culprits, poor sleep and high stress.

We’ve addressed my poor sleep quality with a small nightly dose of gabapentin. I have taken this in the past at a higher dose for nerve pain in my legs, but never on a consistent basis. She wanted me to take a small dose every night to let it build up in my system, knowing it would help me sleep but also may help with the nerve pain in my back (the technical term is dysesthesia, if you care to look it up.) The gabapentin did not have a noticeable effect on the dysesthesia. However, it is absolutely improving my sleep quality and I think that has been the #1 factor in the abatement of all my symptoms.

Sleep is an easier fix than the second factor. One of the first questions the neurologist’s assistant had asked me was, “Have you had an increase in stress level?”. Big Fat Sigh. You could say that. I told her we had recently lost a close friend to cancer. Our friend Dave passed away in January, after fighting an aggressive cancer for five months. Five months that felt like both an eternity and a blink of an eye. Dave had been like a brother to us for 25 years. His family is our family. He was only 47, and he’s left behind a beautiful and amazing wife and two grown children. He was my husband’s best friend. His wife Sarah, one of my best friends. His absence is still felt daily in our home.

I shared with Sarah shortly after his passing that I didn’t feel like I had the right to be so sad because he wasn’t MY husband. He wasn’t MY best friend. But she – so graciously and that’s why I love her so much – told me we all had the right to grieve. We all grieve in different ways, and that’s okay.

I didn’t intend for this post to be about anything other than my health update, but it has taken this turn and I’m going with it. What I’m acknowledging is that Dave’s illness and passing was more stressful than I realized. Prior to this I was fortunate to say I hadn’t dealt a whole lot with death. I hadn’t lost a lot of people I was very close with. My immediate family and close friends are all still living. But Dave was close, and I know this because his absence is still felt here in our home. Reminders of him are everywhere. When we were searching for old photos of him for his memorial service, my husband and I joked that we had more pictures of his kids than ours. We have so many great stories, memories of time spent with him. We will never forget him. We are sad, heartbroken, but we know he is now at peace and no longer suffering. And if he were reading this he would say let’s move on Mel, this is depressing.

Okay? Okay. Back to the health update…

So, externally, I can acknowledge that my grief changed the way I was eating, drinking, sleeping, exercising. All the normal, healthy habits I had worked to establish went out the window. And internally, I was holding in a lot of emotional pain. I still am somewhat, but I’m working through all that with prayer, journaling, therapy, connecting with friends and family. My heart is healing.

I have been getting back to my healthy habits, but the reality is that my body tends to delay in its reactions to stress. I am generally a slow processor – “don’t rush me!” – and this translates neurologically as well. In fact, when I had the BIG relapse in 2013 that left me deaf and half blind, it all started one week after I completed my last college class to complete my bachelor’s degree. I had been under a lot of stress, and my body held that in until after it was over. So I think that’s kind of what has been happening now. I was holding in a lot of that stress and grief and when I started to let go of it, my body reacted. Stress and M.S. are a really bad combo. I need to remember that moving forward and be more mindful of my stress levels. Know better, do better. Be kind to yourself, and rest when you need it. That lesson is for both me and you. Do you hear me? It’s for all of us. Shalom, my friends. Shalom.

Books, Disability, Faith, Family, God speaks, Kids, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Stories, Visually Impaired

Learning to sit in the dark

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I recently read a book for book club called Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor. Ever since, I’ve been thinking a lot about the dark, and my relationship to it. When I lost my vision and hearing I became very afraid of the dark. My limited field of vision leaves me wanting more. If I could just get more light in, maybe I could see the whole picture. With more light, maybe I could see it all. But that’s futile wanting. Even with full light, I still can only see fractions. I’ve had extra lighting installed everywhere in my home. Extra lamps in the bedroom, recessed lighting in the living room, under the cabinets in the kitchen. It does help when I’m trying to get work done and need to see specific things. Paperwork, food I’m preparing, the dust on the couch. But it doesn’t fix it. I’m still partially blind.

How long to you feed the longing for something you lost? How long do you entertain the yearning when you know it’s not coming back? Is the frustration worth it? Probably not. When is it time to give up the striving? Probably now.

I’m learning to sit in the dark. I woke this morning to get the kids up for school. I know they are teenagers and should be able to do this for themselves, but I enjoy it. I enjoy being around them in the calm of the morning. I know I’ll miss it when they are gone. This morning when I came downstairs to let the dogs out, I intentionally did not turn on the light in the kitchen. We have under-cabinet lighting, so it wasn’t completely dark. But it wasn’t completely light, either. It was nice. Calm. When I let the dogs outside, out of habit I flicked the outdoor light on and our deck flooded with artificial light. It was harsh, and as I looked out into the yard I noticed the moon hanging low in the sky. It was a near full moon, and it was majestic. So majestic, that I decided I needed to turn off the floodlight and let the moon shine in all its glory. I stood on the deck as the dogs ran around the yard and just absorbed the blend of early morning light and dark.

Normally I would have been trying to conjure up some profound thoughts in response to this moment, but today I just wanted to be. I just wanted to breathe in the morning, thank God for giving me the moon, and let that be enough.  Over ten years into this disability, I am still grieving my losses. I don’t think grief is a checklist to be completed. It ebbs and flows, and it never truly ends. But I am thankful that it has waned, and is not so soul-crushing as it used to be. I am learning. Learning to sit with the dark, look up to the sky for solace, and be okay. Because today, that is enough.

Disability, Exercise, Friends, Health, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Running, Stories, Visually Impaired, Writing

Moving on…

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Wow. I knew I hadn’t posted in awhile but I didn’t realize it’s been nearly two months. I’ve been okay, really. I’ve just been focusing on a lot of other things. And I’ve still been writing in some capacity all along, because I am still the ME who lives and breathes for writing. Writing seems to be one of those things that actually gives me energy. Mental energy mostly, not physically. The running helps with the physical energy. Since it is winter in Michigan, I have struggled to run consistently, because I detest the treadmill, and running outside is neither safe nor desirable. Even when I can bundle up for warmth, I still have the ice and snow to think about. I walk out my front door after a good snowfall and it’s a sea of white, covering potential icy hazards. So I’ve been trying to get to the gym for treadmill running and strength training, but it’s been a bit sporadic.

Also, all the sleeping! With shorter winter days and limited sunlight, I feel like I’m not alone in this. Needing more sleep seems to be the trend, so I’m not blaming the multiple sclerosis for this one, though I do think it’s heightened. I’m definitely needing more sleep than usual. And this year, I’m just accepting that. It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine.

We lost a close friend to cancer last month, and that has motivated me to stop wasting time with my memoir. Because he was too young. Life is short and we are not promised tomorrow, so we need to cherish every moment. So I’ve been chugging away at my memoir a little teensy tiny bit every day. All the books I’ve read on writing memoir compare it to training for or running a marathon, which fortunately I’ve done! So I can compare the two, and I honestly believe writing this memoir is proving to be more difficult than training for a marathon. But I also think it will be more rewarding once I’ve completed it.

Writing memoir requires a lot of introspection, self-awareness, and emotional gymnastics. I’m comfortable with this, but it does exhaust me in surprising ways. So I’m learning – again – when I need to take breaks, and giving myself permission to do that. Hi, my name is Mel and I’m a recovering over-achiever. Most nights I try to go to bed with a to-do list for the next day, and very rarely do I tackle everything on the list. The excessive sleeping has been a huge hinderance to that, for sure. Some days I’m writing stories, other days I’m organizing my ideas and brainstorming, and still other days I’m reading about writing. But if I can give the memoir even 15 minutes per day, I’m calling that a win because it’s progress. Snail’s pace progress, but still progress.

So that’s kind of a snapshot of what I’ve been up to. Sleeping, writing, and sporadic exercise. What else, folks? I guess that’s all I’ve got for now, but I wanted to pop my head up and let you know I’m still around, and I’m doing well, overall. I hope the same is true for you. Shalom, my friends. Shalom.

Daily Snippets, Deafness, Deep thoughts, Disability, Family, Friends, Health, Holidays, Low vision, Mental health, Multiple Sclerosis, Nonsense, Running, Stories, Visually Impaired, Writing

Some Friday Ramblings

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**Note, I started this post several days ago and didn’t finish it. I just didn’t feel like I was writing the way that I used to, or would like to, or “should”. All kinds of silly reasons to abandon a post, but whatever. I’ve been trying to hop back into the art of writing that I have loved, on and off, my entire life. After completing that marathon I was exhausted in so many ways and then lots was happening here at home that required my energy and attention, and then Thanksgiving, and on and on with the reasons/excuses for my absence here. I really desire to get back to regular blogging, regular writing. Lots of changes have happened with me over the last two years so I’m hoping “Writing Mel” is still alive here. I believe she is, and we are just dusting her off a bit. Bear with me, por favor. Gracias. Now back to the original post.**

I noticed when I logged onto WordPress today that they had a writing prompt; the question was “what will your life look like in three years?”. Which is interesting to me, because I was just hopping on here to tell you about a discussion I had with my husband recently that was along these lines. We were basically discussing whether we were content with our lives. And if asked that question, I would say that absolutely, I am content. However, if you had asked me 15 years ago if I would have chosen this life for myself, the answer would have been “hell, no.” I would never have chosen to be disabled and unable to work a job. Having multiple sclerosis, being deaf *and* half-blind, simply put – SUCKS. But I’m 10 years into this, and while it’s taken time, I’ve slowly learned to see (not literally, unfortunately lol) and be thankful for the benefits that have come from it. I’ve learned from these struggles. They have made me who I am today, and I love who that is.

I feel like I’m coming into a new season of life. I’m done training for marathons (for the next few years, at least). My kids are teenagers and can feed themselves (and prefer to, actually). The dogs are pretty low maintenance. So now I’m at a point where I’m learning how to rest. I’m learning how to be okay with sitting still. For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble with sitting still. Not that I physically can’t, but that when I do, there is a general unease felt underneath my skin and deep in my spirit. Like I’m “supposed” to be doing something. I’m often noticing my shoulders are hunched up and I need to consciously pull them back down.

I was actually discussing this general unease with a friend the other day, and she expressed how completely opposite she was from me in this regard, and we had a laugh. She seemed like she was saying she rests too much, and finds herself procrastinating. Sounds a bit like we would do well if we came more to the other’s side and met in the middle. But then where would be the fun in that? I love the variety I see in all of my friends and family members. It’s funny to me the things we experience and think are normal for everybody, when really we are all so different in so many ways. It makes life a lot more interesting, and brings us closer together as we support each other in our areas of strength and weakness.

So back to the season of rest. That’s where I am currently. I still have an ongoing list in my head of all the things I want to *do*, but I’m trying to be more kind to myself. While I’ll never regret running that second marathon, I will admit that I made the commitment without full consideration of my limits; physically, mentally, emotionally. So you could say I’m taking a break. Ish. A semi-break. Evaluating what I value most, and then easing those things back in. It feels a little like riding an inner tube on a lazy river. I’m enjoying it so far.

And that, my friends, is a little taste for you of the rambling that goes on in my brain on the daily. You are welcome. See you next time.

Deafness, Disability, Exercise, Faith, Family, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Stories, Visually Impaired

The countdown continues

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Flat Marathon Mel

And above we have your girl, Flat Marathon Mel. This is basically what I’ll be wearing tomorrow. Unless I change my mind on the way and switch out accessories. I’m going by the forecast so we’ll see if the weather cooperates. It’s looking to be around 50 degrees and dry. The rule of thumb is to dress for 20 degrees warmer because your body heats up while you’re running. I’ve always followed this rile and it works, but it does feel a little like torture in the beginning when you are standing in the cold feeling drastically underdressed. But I know my body, and I heat up quite a bit, maybe more than 20 degrees, so I believe the tank and shorts should be perfect.

I seem to have forgotten why I signed up for this race so I’ll be spending the rest of the night reminding myself. It’s gonna be fun. It’s gonna be worth it. And God has and will give me the strength to keep going when it gets hard. This race represents all of the ways Jesus has healed me physically, mentally, and emotionally over the past 10 years. This one isn’t about proving i can do it. This one is about enjoying the growth process and celebrating the outcomes. This race for me is about proclaiming victory. We can do hard things when Jesus Christ is our strength.

Lord Jesus, please be with me extra close tonight as I pretend to sleep and tomorrow as I pound the pavement for 6 or 7 hours. May you get all the glory for this one. I couldn’t do it without you.

And also thanks to my cousin Zack, who agreed to be my guide runner without hesitation! He enthusiastically agreed and I’m looking forward to our extended time together. This is such a unique opportunity to share. It’s truly a gift, and I’m excited.

Now it’s off to bed folks! Wish me luck!

Daily Snippets, Disability, Visually Impaired

The junk mail monster is messing with me

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Recently I started receiving regular spam email messages – not to my spam inbox, but my regular inbox – alerting me of jobs available in the area. I ignored them for awhile, then recently tried to unsubscribe so we’ll see if that worked. But LinkedIn has since jumped on the bandwagon. I suspect it was because I *finally* logged in and removed my status and long expired credentials. Because I’ve been permanently disabled and out of the job market for 10 years. Seems it was overdue.

But LinkedIn did NOT get the hint. So they are sending me job notices as well, and today they sent me a really juicy one. Payroll specialist for a local company I’ve heard is great to work for. This is a job I would be drooling over if I was even remotely capable of doing it. It still breaks my heart to not be able to work. I loved accounting and I loved working. I still miss it and probably always will. It is my visual impairment mostly that makes it impossible to do the job I used to do. So unless they find a cure to fix my eyes I’m out of the accounting game. And most other things that require seeing. Big Fat Sigh.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy. Content and perfectly accepting of my life now. I just sometimes miss the old days, or at least parts of it. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine! 🙂

Anxiety, Disability, Exercise, Family, Food, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Stories

Week 18 marathon training – 7 more days!

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Let’s shake it up and start with the stats. This week I traveled a total of 9.51 miles on my feet and my banked marathon training miles are up to 499.2. If I had just gone for another short walk or run I could have hit 500! Oh well. This week.

So I had leg day at the gym on Sunday with my daughter. She’s been joining me at the gym, which has been a nice change. On weekdays we go after she gets home from school, so we have to walk to the bus stop to take the public bus. Unless we feel like walking the 2.5 miles, which on Tuesday we did not. So I counted the distance walking to and from the bus stop (0.7 mile each way) in my weekly miles because, hey, I used my legs so I figure it counts. If you disagree you can take it up with the manager. We were planning to go again to the gym on Thursday, but it was raining and neither of us felt like walking in that, so we skipped that day.

I’ve been doing my long runs on Saturday, but I had planned on volunteering for a local race Saturday morning. Sunday we had plans with family, so I knew that wasn’t going to be an option. So, I made sure to get my long run of 6 miles in on Friday instead. The weather has been cooling down here in Michigan, finally, so I was able to get my run done in the late afternoon, just before dinner time. It was a tad warm, but nothing like the hot summer days. I don’t miss those one bit. I loved this 6 mile run. I keep saying this, but I felt strong. Fast, even. And when I saw my overall average pace at the end, I realized it wasn’t just an illusion. I was speedy, relatively speaking. I’m not fast compared to a lot of other runners, but this was definitely the fastest I’ve been since I first started running. And the best part is that I wasn’t struggling to breathe, my knees weren’t screaming at me, nothing. Zero issues. I was rocking that sexy pace, Martinus!

I am super excited about this race. The taper has been really nice because I feel like it’s also freed up my brain and spirit to start really engaging more with life around me. To really relax body and soul instead of feeling like a running zombie. It’s still a little weird because you feel like if you’re not running, you are possibly losing fitness, but I know that’s not the case. Millions have gone before me in this endeavor and they swear by the taper. So I’m trusting the process. I’ll do some light running this week, maybe some easy strength exercises, and then Saturday we’ll head to the race Expo to pick up my packet. We’ll hopefully meet up with my cousin Zack, who is my guide runner for this race. We were never able to meet up for a training run together but we’ve talked through everything and I’m sure we’ll do just fine. Once I’m home from the Expo I’ll pack all my stuff, lay out Flat Marathon Mel with my clothes and bib so I can start the visualizing – I’ll take a picture to share with y’all – and then I’ll start the sleepless night before the big day!

Would you like to know what’s on my packing list? In no particular order, this is what I bring for a long race (don’t let anyone tell you running is a low maintenance sport, they are either lying or in denial):

  1. Garmin watch
  2. Cell phone
  3. Arm sleeves (look ridiculous but actually quite useful)
  4. Knee strap
  5. Bandana
  6. Hydration vest
  7. Running belt
  8. Clif Bloks (salted watermelon)
  9. Gu Roctane energy gel (sea salt chocolate)
  10. Protein bar (brand undecided but probably Clif)
  11. Hat
  12. Deaf Blind safety vest
  13. Guide vest for Zack
  14. Contact lenses
  15. Shoes (duh)
  16. Socks
  17. Sport bra
  18. Shorts (or pants depending on the forecast)
  19. Tank top (unless it’s below 40 degrees Fahrenheit I’m wearing a tank. The pits need to breathe)
  20. Deodorant
  21. Gold Bond Friction Defense (to prevent inevitable chafing)

I’m a list gal, tried and true. This list may look long and overwhelming, but it actually puts my mind at ease, because this is how I reassure myself I’m not forgetting anything. I loathe being unprepared. I just get so much anxiety thinking what I would possibly do if I went somewhere without the things I “need”. Yes, I’m addressing this with my therapist. It’s fine. I’m fine, everything’s fine!

In 7 days I’m going to be running another f**king marathon!! And it’s going to be amazing and I’m going to have so much fun. And when I cross that finish line I’ll get that medal and my family will be there to shower me with hugs and donuts (wink wink). Stay tuned, folks! It’s gettin’ real!

Bible Study Fellowship, Disability, Faith, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Stories

Week 16 marathon training

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This week was a struggle. For reals. Not only was it my highest fatigue week, but I had appointments all week: neurology, therapy, infusion, and BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). The BSF was really the only one I was looking forward to, but with my fatigue being at such a high level, it was hard to enjoy. Can I just be really honest here? I have begun to forget why I signed up for this marathon. I’m so over it. Sure, it will be rewarding. I’ll be so glad I did it. No regrets. But I’m ready to get this thing done. So with that attitude, I was able to squeeze in some training.

Looking back, I don’t know how I managed to do this, but on Thursday afternoon – after I got home from my Tysabri infusion – I ran 2.5 miles to the local medical lab to get some blood work done, and then on the walk back home I swung by the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Marathon training, disability style. Who says running is just for the young and healthy? This is tenacity at its finest, folks. Two workouts in one day. I got ‘er done.

Friday I rested, and then Saturday I ran some more. This photo on the right here is of a place I pass on my long runs. I never think to take a picture, but as I’m winding down my marathon training, it seemed like a good idea. This is a helicopter that was used during the Vietnam war and reminds me to be thankful I live in a country where I am free to run. God bless America.

So, since I’m officially tapering in preparation for race day, Saturday’s long run was “only” 12 miles. It’s a bit surreal, still, that ten years ago I was barely walking. And now I’m what? A runner? Able to casually run 12 miles and still be smiling at the end? To be up the next day NOT feeling sore and near-death? I’m fascinated with what the human body is capable of accomplishing. Fascinated that with slow and steady progression, it learns to handle hours of pounding on pavement. I am also astonished at the healing that has happened in my toes, ankle, and knees. And, I think most of all my heart. Oh, my heart. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am ready to kick this marathon’s ass.

This week I traveled a total of 17.32 miles on my feet. Total marathon training miles, including the half marathon, is now 477.46. Three weeks until race day! I’m at the point of the process where I’m struggling to remember why I signed up for this, so I put a picture of myself running a race from last year on my phone’s lock screen. In the photo I’m sporting my bright orange deaf/blind vest so it’s a great reminder of my “why”. Why do I run? Put simply, because I CAN. Also, I could go on and on about how we can do hard things, and one of these weeks I might still do that, but for today we’re just going to leave it right here. I run because I can. Because God gave me the strength and led me to this place, and I’m going to honor Him by not giving up. He sustains me, truly. In life, and in running. All of it.

Disability, Exercise, Faith, Family, Health, Low vision, Miracles do happen, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Stories

Marathon 2.0 training week 14

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I realize all I’ve been posting are training updates. I do. I realize marathon training is challenging and can consume your life. It’s clear that’s what has happened here, but I’m comforted that the race is less than 5 weeks away and then I can rest again and resume focus on other things. But also, it’s only 5 weeks away and I don’t know if I’m going to be ready. Which I think is probably true of anyone training for a race this big. I just have to trust that what I’ve been doing is enough on race day. And where it might not be, I can make up for it with that inner grit and grace I keep tucked away for emergencies. My only goal this time is to finish faster than the first one, and I do think I’m poised to make that happen. (Because the first one was laughably SLOW, but I finished!) I’m learning so much about my body and my endurance through this training process. So without further delay, here’s this week’s recap…

Sunday – I can’t count the 6 miles I ran on Sunday because I was viewing them as “make-up” miles from the day before and already included them in last week’s totals. Whatever.

Monday – this was a gym day and I got a really good workout for my legs with the weight machines. Seated leg press, leg & calf extensions, seated leg curl, hip adduction, glutes, and a little bit of arm weights (I did not look to see what the machine was called, but it was much like rowing a boat.) This time I was able to get a ride home from the hubby since it was Labor Day and he was home from work.

Tuesday – Rest.

Wednesday – My original plan was to run on the treadmill for 90 minutes but I was having abdominal cramping, lots of GI issues, so that sort of stole my day. I did manage to walk 1.6 miles at dusk, however, so that was nice.

Thursday – I took a 2 hour morning nap and the rest of the day listened to running podcasts for motivation. I hesitate in sharing this because it isn’t in the training plan, but I think it’s important to note that sometimes you have to listen to your body when it tells you it needs the rest. I’m just afraid my body’s ultimate intention is to keep me from running this race. And running podcasts do help to motivate and educate me, so I don’t believe this was a day wasted.

Friday – This was the big day. The weather was perfect for a long run of 22 miles and I went to bed the night before fully prepared. I had my hydration pack cleaned and filled, I had my gu’s and gels in the pockets of my backpack, and all my clothes and other gear were laid out. I left around 7:30 am, just after the kids left for school. It was misty and overcast and around 60 degrees Fahrenheit. Perfect! I was having so much fun on this run. I had listened to an interview with Martinus Evans, a back of the pack supporter, and he was recommending that we run our training runs slow, and he described it as “sexy pace” which I thought was hilarious. So every time I would notice I was speeding up too much I would say to myself, “Sexy pace, Mel, sexy pace.”

I think I must have been taking the sexy pace too seriously, swinging my hips too hard maybe, because at 7.5 miles that sharp pain in my right knee appeared, fierce and unrelenting. I had decided that day not to run with my knee strap, but I had packed it so I put that on, hoping it would relieve the pain. It did not. I sat down and called my sister, a veteran runner, and asked for her advice. She encouraged me to try walking, and at least that would be time on my feet, but ultimately listen to my body. I walked for another 1.5 miles, and the pain was coming and going, but never going for very long. At 9 miles I stopped and decided I was done for the day. I made a few calls and the first lucky person to answer was my husband, who graciously left work to take me home.

I took the above photo just before I decided to call it quits. I was walking, still in pain, and so happy to see that red house because it meant the public park I had been anxious to reach was just on the other side. I don’t know if you can see the red house, but it’s to the left of the two white houses. The park on the other side is the hub of our city’s local trails and I was really looking forward to running around the lake there.

Once I got home I ate some lunch and got to taking care of my knee. I put on my compression knee brace and kept that leg elevated as much as possible. Going up and down the stairs of our two-story home was painful and slow. I sat in bed, researching what I could possibly do to make this better and avoid it happening in the future. I came across some discussion about the run-walk-run method that I use, and discovered I really wasn’t doing it right. My intervals were running for 4 minutes, walking for one. But according to Jeff Galloway, the perfecter of this method, I shouldn’t be talking walk breaks longer than 30 seconds. And based on my pace and fitness level, I needed to look at a much shorter running interval. I read a comment from another runner who said she runs 60 seconds, walks 30, and that is what has kept her from her knee pain, so I thought “why not give that a shot?”. I changed the settings on my running watch and resolved to try it, once the knee pain was gone, of course.

And do you know what? I woke up the next day with zero pain. Not in my knee or anywhere else for that matter. It was no small miracle, if you ask me. So, I decided to get out and run again. I didn’t know if I could make up the 13 miles I was short the day before, but I wanted to see how the shorter intervals would work for me, and I would pay attention to what my body was doing. I stayed around the neighborhood this time, in case the whole plan went sideways. I could not believe what a difference the shorter intervals made. Before I knew it, I had knocked out 7 miles and felt like I still had a lot of gas in the tank. I would have gone for more but the temperature was rising and I didn’t want to push it. Plus on that 7th mile I thought I felt a whisper from my knee telling me it needed a break.

Now, I’ll be honest. I’m still pretty freaked out about how far I’ve had to stray from my training plan. I feel strong, yet I still have doubts I’ll be ready for this marathon in *gulp* 34 days. Even though I’ve been running for seven years it still feels new to me. I have learned so much but there is still so much more to learn. I guess you could say my faith was in the training plan, and now I’m having to redirect the source of my faith. Sure, ultimately my faith is in God, but I am a pragmatic and I have a healthy regard for the physical world and its limitations. Read: my physical limitations. Which, to be fair, are constantly changing and amazing me. I know that God has been the one to empower me to continue building a stronger heart, stronger legs, stronger lungs. I still remember needing to use a walker to walk, and I don’t ever want to forget that. Because while I’m trusting in God to keep me going, it’s important to respect where I was and realize that’s always still a possibility. Because M.S. is a permanent part of my life, unfortunately. And if I ever need motivation to keep racing, to keep running, that is it. That is my WHY. I’m doing it now because I CAN, and that may not always be true.

For those of you following along, I ran 17.6 miles this week for a total of 240.29 miles marathon training. Add that to the 193 miles I trained for the half marathon in May and you have a total of 433.29 miles banked for the upcoming race on October 15.

Disability, Exercise, Family, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Music, Photos, Running, Stories

Week #10 Marathon Training 2.0

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This week, again, did not go as planned. But I still made a lot of progress and I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished over all these years of running. Over the past 10 years I’ve gone from barely walking to not only becoming a runner but also running ridiculously long distances. I’ve had to really bring the memories of my major MS relapses to mind in order to motivate myself to keep going, despite being unable to follow the plan to the letter. I tend to forget why I signed up for this marathon, why I committed to all this training. I wonder if I’ll be able to continue, if I’m physically capable. And then I get out there and run and I’m reminded of how strong I’ve become and how important this has become.

So here’s the recap.

Strength training: I did not have a chance to get to the gym for leg workouts, but I managed to get a lot of squats in at home in between scanning old documents. I’m on a decluttering kick since getting my hutch refurbished. Creativity wins!

Run #1: I ran on Monday, just a quick lap around the neighborhood. I went down every cul-de-sac and street, which turns out is a total distance of 2.24 miles. Handy information to have sometimes. When I returned home I hung out with the dogs on the deck, which they love. Our golden retriever, Punky, loves to lick all the salty sweat off my skin! I don’t let her, but she tries. Shown in the photo below, I was trying for a sweaty selfie but she was more interested in licking my face.

Run #2: Timing and weather and me not wanting to get out of bed early enough meant I was back on the treadmill. A planned 75 minutes for a total of 5.02 miles. On my last 10 minutes or so I decided to run through the walk interval. I was feeling strong and anxious to finish. The cool thing was that a song I had just added to my playlist that morning, Run Like a Rebel by The Score, came on just as I started my last interval. It gave me a boost of happy feelings so I finished the run on a good note.

Run #3: Welp. I was gonna run 20 miles. Really didn’t want to. My husband helped talk me up some and gladly offered to drop me off at the gym. I had learned you could change the timing on the treadmills, so I was hoping to run the whole 20 in one session, but found once I got there that you could change the timing, but the max was 99 minutes. Just like my treadmill at home. Oh well, at least they have better displays there. And way more fans blowing cool air.

I started, ran my first 99 minutes. Actually, they allow a five minute cool down, so I just sped the treadmill up and went for an even 100. Took a photo, marked my time, refilled my water bottle, pulled out my protein bar and an extra pack of gummy electrolytes, and started a second session. I started the second session feeling awesome, rocking out to my tunes, and made it 52 minutes. Out of nowhere it was as if a razor blade or sharp piece of plastic had magically appeared in my shoe. I had to stop immediately. For several embarrassing seconds I was wondering what had happened. Then it dawned on me… a blister had popped on the side of my middle toe. See, I’ve been running with my big toe buddy taped to my second toe. That buddy tape rubs against my middle toe. After 10.1 miles, I guess it was too much friction. I went to the locker rooms to inspect the damage, shoved some toilet paper in between my toes to cover the open wound, and walked gingerly back to the treadmill. I tried to walk, then slowly jog, but it was far too painful. After much internal deliberation, I decided I needed to call it quits. I called my husband to come pick me up and resolved to give my toe a break and get the miles in some other time. Again.

This time, however, I wasn’t quite as disappointed about missing the miles. Because I was paying attention to what I was actually able to do. I ran 10 miles Saturday and I still had life in me. I still had energy and strength available to keep running if it hadn’t been for the popped blister. And now I have something new to learn: how to prevent and care for blisters! Which is something I need to know. Because as my sister had shared with me (ironically, just the day before) something she heard on a running podcast: “Didn’t you think your feet were going to hurt?” Yes, yes they will. Deal with it and move on, sister. We’ve got more miles to go.

This week I ran 17.71 miles altogether. I also did a whole lot of squats, some good walking, and pulled a thigh muscle playing Pie Face (I startle way too easily). Total half marathon miles, 193. Full marathon miles, 161.98. Grand total full marathon miles to date: 354.98. We’re still moving forward folks! One step, one punch, one round at a time.