I’ve been sleeping late, as I tend to do in the winter months. I get up early to feed the dogs and see my daughter off to school, and then I usually head back to bed. Getting out of bed for that second time is significantly more difficult for me, and it takes a good amount of willpower to do it. Usually it’s my bladder that urges me up. Today it was the mental reminder that I needed to put a grocery order in for my daughter to pick up after school.
I got out of bed, put on my cochlear processors, and queued up a 90s music station to pep me up a little. The song that played first was R.E,M., “Everybody Hurts”. Not really the motivator I was looking for, but at least now I feel seen! Michael Stipe always gets me. If you know, you know.
Anyhoo, I’m up. Not super peppy, but I’m ready to work. Coffee in hand, I’m gonna go knock out that grocery list!
You guys. I’m neglecting this blog. I do apologize. I’ve been hiding. Hibernating a little. But still active! Just not feeling the urge to broadcast my life. I’m still making the super slow shift from “over-sharer” to “intentional storyteller”. Finding where I want to hold boundaries with my writing and the sharing of it with others.
Part of this hesitation with writing is that I am becoming more aware of the reasons I do things. Why do I write? Why do I blog? I’ve been blogging off and on for over 20 years, and I think for the majority of those years it was just to clear my head, share funny thoughts as they came. It was a great way to add some whimsy to my dull life working in offices and crunching numbers. It was FUN.
Until it wasn’t. When I became disabled in 2013, I considered dropping it altogether. Through a series of events and gentle Holy Spirit nudges, I felt called back to it. To share what I was going through as I adjusted to a new life. So I picked it back up and stayed with it happily until 2020, when the sh** hit the fan, as they say. My long term disability insurance representative had combed through my blog, my medical records, and notes from our phone calls, then twisted all my words and used them against me to cancel my monthly benefits.
I fought to regain those benefits and eventually won, but it took over a year. I was cautioned by my attorney to be careful what I put on social media, if anything at all. It was some time before I felt safe enough to return here, and I’m still a little gun-shy about everything I post.
All of that to say, I *want* to be here. I want to post updates on my life. I want to encourage others to never give up when life knocks you down. I’m just not super awesome at the consistency of it. But I’m working on it. I haven’t forgotten you!
So here’s a running update: I haven’t been doing any running because it’s cold and icy outside and I refuse to run in the basement on the treadmill. It’s depressing, okay? However, I’ve been keeping up with small daily exercises, thanks to an online group that helps keep me accountable. I have a 10k race I’m signed up for in mid-March, so I intend on picking back up with running after the holidays.
A Writing Update: I’ve been working a lot on my memoir, again. This time it feels like it’s actually going somewhere. I went down the rabbit hole of memoir training for a while there, but I did eventually land on a method that works for me and am excited to feel like I’m making real progress. Now that I have a structure and a plan, my intention going forward is to write 500 words per day. Yesterday was my first day and I wrote twice that amount, but I don’t expect that to be the norm. I almost finished a whole chapter and that was pretty exciting. I have a note above my desk that reminds me *not* to edit while writing, because I can’t be creative and critical at the same time. I joined a writing group that meets every weekday on Zoom, and I enjoy having that time and space to focus solely on the manuscript. I’ve only been going once a week so far, but if things slow down on the homefront I may try to join more often.
Other than that, I’m just blissfully busy with my husband and kids. Taking care of the home, preparing meals, keeping us all healthy. Super mundane stuff that we all take for granted, but that I am grateful to be able to do. What are you grateful for these days?
I have had an aversion to sand and flour for as long as I can remember. I love to bake, so I have always avoided recipes that call for rolling and kneading. If I had to touch the flour with my hands, it was a deal breaker. Drop cookies and batter breads were the lanes I stayed in.
This changed in 2020, after a trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula when I stepped into the sand and surprised myself by uttering, “oh, that feels nice”. I know, I was just as shocked as you. Ever since then, I’ve been playing around with recipes that were formerly taboo. Cinnamon rolls, pizza dough, breadsticks, and my latest favorite: calzones.
I made calzones for the family last week, but my pizza dough recipe was more than we needed, so I left it in the fridge to use later. A day later my sister texted me and my husband with a picture of a menu item that strongly resembled a treat she had made for us many years ago: beer nuggets. Now, this wasn’t her invention. This was something my husband had told her about, and she recreated it for us. His stepbrother went to college in Dekalb, Illinois, and this is where they were born (according to a quick internet search I spent no energy in verifying). All I remember is that he would talk about these beer nuggets as if they were the best thing since sliced bread. So when we received this text I started asking if there was a recipe, because as we all know I’m an expert with dough and can make these sorts of things now. Apparently, it’s just deep fried pizza dough. Which I had in my fridge!! Hot diggity dog, we’re having beer nuggets for dinner, folks. No beer required. I think they just call them that because I’m sure in a college town like Dekalb the nuggets were always consumed with beer.
So, lacking only one ingredient for this dish – a crap ton of vegetable oil – I sent the hubster to the store. I filled a pot half-full with the oil and started heating it up while I fashioned my dough into nuggets. Once my oil was up to 350, I started dropping the little guys into the oil and watched them cook. This was so much fun! I wasn’t sure how long to keep them in but I kept watch on the color (what I could see) and followed my gut instinct before pulling one out to check for doneness. The first one was a teensy bit underdone, but no worries, I’ll just leave the rest in a bit longer.
Easy peasy, within minutes I had a dozen beer nuggets hot and ready for consumption. I prepared a simple green salad because seriously, we can’t just eat pizza dough and call that a meal, can we? Warmed up some leftover pizza sauce from calzone night and announced, “Time for dinner!”
These beer nuggets were so easy to make and turned out so delicious, in the following days my brain went down some rabbit holes. What more can I do with this newfound super power? What else can I fry? I’ll be honest, I didn’t have to go far down the rabbit hole to arrive at my next planned adventure: fried donut holes. Stay tuned!!
I was listening to a podcast interview with an author awhile back. The author talked about her writing as a relationship, and that stuck with me. I feel similarly. I’ve always had a relationship to writing. A relationship *with* writing. Some days we are close, spending all our time together. Other days not so much. We haven’t been all that close the last few years. With all the running and trauma therapy, it sort of took a backseat. Sorry, Writing. I miss you!!
I am working to be more intentional in a couple areas of my life, and writing is at the top of the list. I am working on writing a book length memoir. I have talked about and considered it for years, but now I’m actually taking tiny baby steps every day, every week, to slowly move towards that goal. I have a small group of friends who have graciously agreed to receive regular updates. Sort of an accountability group, if you will. They are also great cheerleaders when I need the encouragement.
There have been lots of moments along this journey where I have needed encouragement. This is not an easy project I have taken on. First of all, the craft of writing is something I have zero training in. Second of all, I’m bumping into areas of yet unprocessed trauma as I am working to craft the story. So I’m having to go gently and that takes time. Third of all, I still have all the other areas of life I need to remember to give attention to!
I have a tendency to get a little obsessive with writing, and the side effect is that all other areas of life get shoved to the side. I’m working on that. I’m trying to stay intentional with fitness. Running and strength training, specifically. I talked to the staff at my gym today and have plans to sign up for weekly classes and meet with the personal trainer to go over my goals. Looking for more accountability. It’s a step.
So, full disclosure. I feel like my relationship with writing got a little dysfunctional, and this blog post is my step #1 to getting back to a normal, healthy (aka not obsessive) relationship with it. No more pouring over memoir methods, coaches, videos, books, podcasts, etc. I’m scaling WAY back on that, and am going to try to be intentional about blogging here again. Short blurbs, stories that pop into my head and beg to be put down in words. EVEN IF they aren’t well-written stories. I still want to tell them. That is what I feel like God has put on my heart and held there for the longest time. Months, years perhaps? He has given me a desire and I need to stop ignoring it. The nagging hasn’t stopped, so I might as well see what happens if I finally give in to it.
Oh! And so I don’t forget, I need to tell you about my recent trip to the Abbey with my sister. So if you don’t see that post come across in the next couple weeks, bug me will ya? I wrote half of it but need to finish it. Also, I’d love to tell you what I’ve been learning in the kitchen. I could talk all day about food but sometimes it’s harder to get it down in words. So there are lots of stories to come through here, if I do what I say I’m gonna do. Stay tuned. *Shalom, Mel*
I was standing at the coffee counter at the back of the church one Sunday, chatting. Clay came up to get a cup of coffee and was asked which kind he preferred, dark roast or regular. Clay answered, “Either one. To me, they both taste the same.” But I started chuckling, because what I heard – with these amazing but fallible cochlear implants – was, “They both taste like shame.” I told him what I had heard and we shared a laugh.
He was still laughing about it while trying to deliver the welcome message to the congregation.
When they offered communion, as they do every week, I quietly walked up to get my bread and juice. When I sat back down to pray, all I could think about was, “this does not taste like shame.” And when I turned around and shared that snippet with Clay, he said “No! It tastes like mercy.”
Mercy, indeed. I love the constant reminders that I am offered this gift of hope and freedom that I 100% do not deserve. I mess up on the daily, and yet Christ is always in my corner. Through my faith in Him, my relationship with my Creator through prayer and studying the Bible, I have peace. So much peace. I didn’t for a very long time, y’all. I’ll admit that. Like any relationship, it’s had it’s ups and downs. But God never changes. He is steady when I am not. He does not taste like shame. He offers mercy. So much mercy.
Fair warning: Today I’m gonna talk about running. I’m not obsessed or anything. It’s just a hobby I’ve become quite passionate about. Not an obsession. Seriously.
I get emails from our local running store about sales and new items. I recently received a notification that the particular model of running shoe I wear, Saucony Kinvara, were on sale. It had been many years since I had been fitted for shoes so I was more than overdue. Also, one of my current pair of running shoes (I rotate between 2 pair) has well over 300 miles on them and need to be retired.
My tiny left foot.
Now, I have been wearing a size 7.5 normal shoe, and an 8 in running shoes. It’s always good to go up half a size with running shoes because your feet swell. I ran for years in a 7.5 and it caused so many blisters. However, at this trip to the store they sized my feet and it turns out I am now an 8, but only the right foot. The left foot is a 6.5. I took pictures because I couldn’t believe this fact, but it’s true. I went home with a fresh pair of size 8.5 running shoes.
My new shoes, newly laced for maximum comfort
After getting some fresh orthotic inserts to accommodate my pronation, I was good to go. Or so I thought. I went on a long run last weekend and halfway through my run the top of my left foot was feeling some serious pain. Yikes. I’ve experienced this before. I forgot to relace my new shoes. See, there are different methods for lacing your shoes. If your shoes are hurting you – try changing up the lacing. It can make a world of difference. I’ve learned so much about this through trial and error and it’s quite fascinating. I always thought running was a simple sport. Just throw on some sneakers and go. Nope. There is so much more to it. But, I always love the learning, and seeing myself improve with every tweak in my training and gear.
Back in May I was part of a challenge to do 100 push-ups every day. I only joined because my sister said they could be any variation of push-ups in any increment. You could tailor it to fit your fitness level. So I did. I started out the month doing 10 countertop push-ups at a time, 10 times throughout the day. And when that got too easy I increased the number of reps and then moved to a lower surface. I finished the month being able to do 5 sets of 20 push-ups using my fireplace cabinet. When the month ended I vowed to continue the daily habit, and I’m now at 3 sets of 33 at the fireplace. I’m hoping to progress to using the ottoman, and eventually I want to be able to do your traditional on the floor push-ups.
The thing that has amazed me though, is that since doing this daily habit, my run pace has increased significantly, without much increased effort on my part. Also, I can sense that my core is stronger. I notice when I’m walking up and down my stairs that my balance is somewhat better. Now, none of this is concrete. I could just be imagining the improvements. Heck, maybe my Garmin is old and not accurately tracking my speed. I don’t know, but I do think the push-ups are helping in more ways than I had anticipated. And it always feels good to feel stronger.
I have been training for a 10k at the end of this month, and am really hoping to be able to beat my 10k PR that I set in 2020, when I ran a virtual race with my sister. I’ve run several 10ks since, and none of them have been close to catching that time of 1 hour, 18 minutes, so I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic. But I do think this core strengthening with my daily push-ups will help. Fingers crossed!
That is all for now. I still have some books to recap (I think?) and I’m working steadily on writing my memoir, so like I said I’m not obsessed with the running. Just passionate. Reading and writing help to keep me balanced. Oh, and food. I think it’s time for lunch 🙂
Hope Fights Back: Fifty Marathons and a Life or Death Race Against ALS by Amanda Lytle Peet and Meredith Atwood.
Against my strong Type A sensibilities, I’m going out of order with these books. The thing is, I finished this one and it was so good I just don’t want to forget it, so I’m jumping the line and posting it now. Last year I caught an interview with Amanda Lytle Peet and immediately added her memoir to my TBR (to be read) list. When it came available via audiobook, I snagged it right away and finished it within a matter of days.
Amanda’s story is one of incredible grace, courage, tenacity, and even humor. *After* she found out she had ALS, she set out to complete 50 marathons, one in each state. She cannot run due to the ALS, but she is still able to ride a recumbent trike, and she lobbied with race directors for permission to participate in all these races. Even on wheels, she was still only moving at a “back of the pack” pace like 13 minutes per mile, so that didn’t seem to be an issue for most race directors.
Even though Peet and I are living entirely different lives, I felt like her story held so many parallels to mine. She had to give up a successful career as her ALS was quickly progressing. She has a husband who takes care of her but does not coddle, and is walking with her in this journey arm in arm. She continues to push her limits and squeeze the most she can out of life. She does not wallow in pity at her circumstances. She’s become one of my heroes.
She had help writing the book (by co-author Meredith Atwood) but I don’t think that detracted from her voice shining through. I loved her sense of humor and snarky and stubborn attitude. In the bonus material she stated that in order to know what she thinks about something, she has to write it down, and that is me 100%. Same here, same. I think if we lived near each other, we would be great friends. I learned a lot about the ins and outs of her experience with ALS, and was encouraged and inspired in my own life to keep moving and challenging myself to fight against my own struggles with MS. It was a great book to read, and I rated it 5 out of 5 on Goodreads. I would purchase and reread this book without hesitation. Go check it out!!
The Queen of Sugar Hill: A Novel of Hattie McDaniel by ReShonda Tate
I started reading this book a couple months ago, but didn’t finish in time for the digital book to be returned to the library. I picked it back up with the audio version recently because that’s what was available. I was able to find my place and pick up where I left off.
This was a work of fiction, but was based on true events. Hattie McDaniel was an actress in the early 1900’s, with the bulk of her work in the 30s and 40s. She was probably best known as the first African American actress to win an Oscar, for her role as Mammy in Gone with the Wind. She fought hard against segregation, and for equal rights for black Americans. I think the author succeeded at taking on the challenge of honoring Hattie’s McDaniel’s true accomplishments, while fictionalizing events along with the way. It made for a really fun and interesting read. I felt like I learned a lot more about history that I’ll retain. It wasn’t so much about collecting facts, but more about living McDaniel’s experience as a black actress struggling to not be pigeon-holed into stereotypical roles. Also, the audiobook portion I listened to was pretty outstanding.
I gave this book a 4 out of 5 on Goodreads. I would recommend it to anyone looking for a good fiction read with a healthy dose of history!
I love memoirs. I love getting that glimpse into other people’s lives. Especially when it’s a famous (and likeable) actor like Matthew McConaughey! So I was happy when the digital version of his book, Greenlights, became available from my local library.
The title is in reference to the moments in life when things just sort of work out for you, or give you a strong hint that you are headed in the “right” direction. I would not say McConaughey has had an easy life full of greenlights, but he’s definitely made the best with what he was given. His attitude towards life is overall positive, but with a healthy dose of pragmatism. He’s also lived a *very* interesting life, which kept me intrigued. The way he writes did get a bit intense at times, but I enjoyed reading it. He kept me laughing at times, and pondering at others. I highly recommend this book and I’d give it a 9 out of 10, just because some sections did require a lot of brain power and some of his poetry was visually difficult to read. All in all, a fun and thought-provoking read.
I have so many books to recap, so I’m going to try to knock them out today and get caught up!
I recently finished reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Mel Robbins is a fairly well known motivational speaker and author, and I often enjoy her tidbits of wisdom here and there. Also, did you know she’s from Michigan?! When I heard she published this book I was interested. The book didn’t disappoint. The idea is nothing new. It’s about being in control of what you can control (which is very limited) and letting go of the rest (the really difficult part). It felt like a rebranded take on overcoming codependency, but I liked her straightforward approach. She did not sugarcoat the message, and I appreciated that. She lost me a bit towards the end of the book when she talked about dating (I am not, I have been happily married for 26 years) but I skimmed through that in case there were any nuggets I could glean.
Overall, I think I would give this one a 7.5 out of 10. Good stuff I could immediately learn from and apply to my daily life but probably not one I would include in my mental health “toolbox”. To be fair, I have some heavy hitters that hold that space. Even so, this is one I could see myself revisiting at some point down the road for a refresher, had I purchased it. I could easily revisit these concepts by rewatching her video clips online.
More recaps to come but it feels good to check one off the list. Stay tuned!
Deaf and half-blind runner with multiple sclerosis
Little M.S. Runner 