Fun fact – I cannot read normal computer screens. I cannot navigate filling out forms on paper without significant difficulty (and inevitably leaving a lot of fields blank). My visual impairment is unique in that a good portion of my visual field is covered in fog. That’s the best way I am able to describe it. When I look at a “normal” screen (i.e. white background) I can’t see most of what is there. This means that a lot of the apps I use on a regular basis are very difficult for me to use. Over the years I’ve learned to be patient and allow myself more time to complete tasks.
But when I open an app and discover they have added the dark mode feature? Oooh boy, I can’t tell you how relieved I feel! I remember the first time this happened was with Facebook, and while I was elated, it didn’t add much value to my life. Cuz you know, it’s Facebook. But then, much later, I opened up my recipe app, which I use a ton for preparing meals and snacks for my family – something I strive to do well at, whether my family really cares or not – and it was in dark mode!! Let me tell you, that made my whole week.
Then awhile back I had another pleasant surprise when I opened the Android app for Goodreads to find my next book to read and it was in dark mode. I could have cried. I am an avid reader and it’s been so frustrating to not be able to really navigate that app for so long.
My third win for dark mode happened when I finally dug around the interwebs and found tape for my label maker in “white on black”. Guys, I’m having so much fun with this! I am a label nerd, for sure, and the first thing I did with my new readable labels is to tag my leftovers. Because once I put the dishes in the fridge, I never really know what’s there. Not without taking each dish out and opening it up, and even then sometimes I can’t tell without actually sniffing or tasting the food inside, and that’s I think mostly due to the atypical colorblindness. So labels have been a game changer. I’m a very happy woman over here.
For the record, these are my favorite apps that I am able to view in dark mode: Plan to Eat (my recipe app!) Goodreads (books!) Facebook (no explanation needed) YNAB (my awesome budgeting app!) VRBO (trip planning) Booking.com (trip planning)
Now it would be great to have my banks get on board. Out of all the banks we bank with, NONE of them have a dark mode option. So I keep doing my banking on the computer, where I have extensions to view those web pages in dark mode. Tell your programmer friends… we want more dark mode!
I don’t know if any of you have heard of “75 Hard” but it’s this bazonkers challenge that some guy made up a few years ago, and it seems to have quite the following.
The challenge is this: For 75 consecutive days you must complete the following tasks: 1) Drink one gallon of water 2) Follow a diet of your choosing, no cheat days! 3) Read 10 pages of a nonfiction book 4) Complete two non-consecutive 45-minute workouts, 1 of which must be outdoors 5) Take a progress picture
If you miss any of the tasks even once, you have to start all over again on Day One. Oof.
A good friend of mine completed this challenge a couple years ago, and she is now working the challenge once again. When she did it the first time, I seriously gave it some thought but never did anything with it. This second time I felt compelled to hop on and give it a shot.
Now a couple of these things were easy for me. I have been intermittent fasting since March of 2023 so following a diet wasn’t a big deal. I would just be more intentional about sticking with my chosen eating and fasting “windows”. No problem.
Reading 10 pages of nonfiction? I’m a huge reader, and 90% of what I enjoy reading is nonfiction. Again, no problem.
Taking a progress picture is a simple enough task, and thankfully no one would have to see it but me, so the trick was just to remember to do it. Easy peasy.
It’s the gallon of water and 2 daily exercises that were the real challenge for me. I don’t mind drinking water, but I prefer coffee, and that doesn’t count. So I just had to be intentional about sipping from and refilling my water bottle throughout the day. I even bought myself a larger bottle (half gallon) so I would only need to refill once during the day. However, since I had just been coming off training for the Sleeping Bear half marathon, I was already in the habit of daily hydrating so this wasn’t a huge deal.
For the exercising I was doing an outdoor walk and indoor Fitbod workout each day. That was going very well, and with all the water I was drinking, my muscles were recovering well every day. I would feel a bit of soreness but it never stuck around for long. I was feeling really good!
Y’all, I lasted 8 days. That 9th day I had a super busy day morning to night. Doctor appointment for me, orthodontist for both kids, and having to use paratransit to get everywhere means every trip takes awhile and has zero flexibility. But that wasn’t what killed the challenge for me. I had been out of town the weekend prior and the day before I came back, my husband left for a 3 day work trip. So on that bonkers day with all the appointments, that evening I just wanted to spend time with my husband. I had to make a decision – stay home and complete my workouts (because all the appointments prevented me from getting them done earlier) or ride with my husband to take our daughter to her horse riding lesson. I chose the latter, ending my 75 Hard challenge streak, and I have no regrets.
I may try again some other time, but I don’t know. I strongly felt like God had been leading me to that challenge, so I had to really ponder why. I think He was trying to show me how much my daily life had been lacking in discipline. And while 75 Hard was very much an all or nothing thing, installing discipline into your life doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to be intentional. So now I’ve been thinking a lot more about how I can maintain that intentionality but in a way that fits with my impairments and my daily life. I’m being humbled here. I need to cut out a lot of things in my life for awhile that were distracting me. I would spend hours on Facebook or Netflix or the stupid coloring app on my phone, and before I knew it, I had lost most of the day. Since I’m not working, I don’t have anyone telling me what or when things need to be done. I am the boss of my life, and I had been doing a shoddy job of it.
So I decided to make my own list: 1) Read 10 pages of a book 2) Exercise for 30 minutes 3) Drink a half gallon of water 4) Pray/study the Bible for 30 minutes 5) Write for 30 minutes
The times listed are just minimums of course. I just list them that way so I have measurable goals. I found a habit tracking app so I can keep the list in front of me and check things off as I go. It will be satisfying to see streaks of habits, but I’m allowing myself the ability to skip days if necessary. Some days my body and mind need rest, and I’m going to honor that. But I’m working really hard to not slip back into bad habits. While binging on Netflix seems like it would be restful, it’s really not. And it’s discouraging when you come off of a session of 6 episodes of Reba and realize you’ve lost your whole day, and you still need to put away that laundry you washed last Tuesday, and you have no idea what you are going to feed your people for dinner.
So yeah. I’m working on some healthy habits. I was gonna say “new” healthy habits, but then caught myself. These are not new. I’m working on some healthy habits – again. And I should say, it feels pretty damn good.
These weekly posts are getting to be less about the training and more about how life attempts to interfere. Ah, well. Life happens. You adjust and move on!
So this week I completed one task on my training plan, and that was a 12 mile run. I had originally scheduled this long run for the previous Saturday, but I opted instead to watch my son play tennis. So I had looked at the weather for the week and Tuesday looked like a good enough alternate. And then Allison, my guide runner, texted wanting to see if she could join me for a run. We had talked about doing another long run together, but with her schedule thus far we weren’t able to make a weekend work. Luckily she was free on Tuesday, so we made it happen!
I love showing off these trails. Allison hadn’t run them before (at least I don’t think so), so it was fun to show them off to her. I’m very proud of “my” trails 😉 We had great weather. I could have done with a few degrees cooler, but I’m not complaining because it beats running in the rain. Most of the miles were uneventful, but I could tell during the last couple that my left leg was dragging. I made sure to let her know so she would stay close enough for me to grab her arm if needed. I did trip once or twice but I did not fall (just call me Weeble).
Since the Tuesday long run got me off schedule (and I spent a second Saturday watching my son play tennis) I don’t know when I’ll do my final long run. The race is only 12 days away, so maybe it’s too late to be doing long runs, and I should just lean into the taper? When you are trying to fit training into your schedule *and* work around Michigan’s unpredictable weather, it gets tricky. So I think this week I’ll do some shorter runs to keep up the mileage and extra step-ups and stair climbs to keep those hill climbing muscles ready.
I have to say I’m a little concerned about my readiness for this race. I keep hearing about the gnarly hills/dunes, and I’ve been increasingly slacking on both my short runs and my strength training. Hopefully my early commitment to the training left me with some strength I can draw from during the race. I don’t have a time goal, so I really am just hoping to enjoy myself and the incredible views. I heard that Good Morning America voted Sleeping Bear Dunes the Most Beautiful Place in America. That’s high praise. I mean, what about the Grand Canyon? The entire state of Alaska? Hawaii? But no, our little ole Sleeping Bear Dunes ranked #1. And I’m gonna have the privilege of running through it. I can’t wait!
So. This week was all sorts of upside down as far as training goes. I only had two runs planned. A “short” run of 4 miles and a long run of 12. I also had hoped to do strength training, but it did not happen the way I expected.
Instead of doing boring Fitbod exercises, I helped my husband sand and restain our deck! He had done a bunch of prep work over the weekend while I was out galivanting over sand dunes with my girlfriends, so what was left was sanding and spraying the new stain on. The first day we sanded and I got a really good arm workout. The second day was staining, which he did with a sprayer (pictured left) while I followed as much as I could with a paintbrush and smoothed it out. This second day was more fun for me than it was for him. It turned out great, but we are still waiting for it to dry completely so I don’t have any after pictures to share.
Working on the deck took up Tuesday and Wednesday, and I was ridiculously worn out from all that manual labor, so Thursday I rested. By Friday I was ready to shake out my arms and legs with a 4 mile run, so that’s what I did! All my muscles were feeling sore and stiff, so it actually felt really good to move. Check me out here in my neighborhood, sporting my nerdy clip-on shades. I left a little late in the morning and the sun was in full force, so I was glad to have worn them.
I made the executive decision to postpone my Saturday 12 mile run so that I could attend my son’s tennis tournament. I don’t get a lot of chances to see him play, so I had to take this opportunity. I can always run another day. At this point I stil don’t know when I’ll do that 12 mile run, but it’s looking good for Tuesday. Fingers crossed!
I’ve been taking my stairs at home two at a time, trying to work those hill climbing muscles, and I imagine it is helping. We’ll see when I actually get out there. I feel good. Strong even. I’ve also been trying to eat better, increasing my healthy carbs, decreasing my processed foods as much as possible. Lots of fruits and veggies. That seems to be helping me too. Not just with physical health, but emotional and hormonal health as well. Just a theory, so it may not be true but it helps me sleep at night. Ha!
I hope you are doing well out there where you are. I wish you all health and peace. Shalom, friends!
Okay, here’s the recap of week 8 (I feel like I’m really slipping on getting these out in time):
Sunday – Rest and stuff
Monday – Some medical stuff, helping prep kids for school starting on Wednesday. Basically all the family management tasks that wear me out. But it was a good day. Lots of steps (Also there may have been a donut or two).
Tuesday – 5 mile run, all the hills in my neighborhood and the one north of us. I need to kick up the hill training cuz these hills are getting too easy for me. Might mean a trip out of the neighborhood!
Wednesday – school started! I had the whole house to myself all morning (it was a half day). I did a 35 minute Fitbod workout: quadriceps, hamstrings, glutes, and abs.
Thursday – I ran 2 beautiful, glorious miles. It was the first full day with kids at school, so I’m sure that was a factor in my enjoyment lol I’m pictured here with my two doggies. They love to greet me after every run and love running around in the yard while I stretch and rehydrate.
Friday – I ran 11 miles! I decided to move the long run from Saturday because the weather looked better (cooler) and also I had some afternoon plans on Saturday I didn’t want to be feeling half-dead for. This second try at a selfie near the “Trail Ends” sign was successful. The trail ends, but the low traffic side street begins, so I continued on.
Until that road ended, and you’ll see another selfie here of me being slightly disappointed I had to turn around sooner than I anticipated. It was fine, I still got my miles in. And I still might find a way to go farther. Hubby says we can take a look at it from Google Earth and see how it might connect because he’s pretty sure there’s more trail to run.
Can I just say though, how *aware* I am of the muscles in my legs when I’m running? Wednesday’s workout was short but effective, and I was feeling the burn, for sure. But also, I could really sense that those muscles are getting stronger and it really is helping add more ease to my running. On my long run this week I chose to play my 180 beat playlist so it would keep me on a steady pace while I focused on my form and breathing. I’m still amazed at what the human body is capable of. Focused breathing really helped with my stamina, especially with those later miles on the long run. It’s nice to have these good runs to remind me on the harder days that it’s still worth it.
Saturday & Sunday – These two days I just really focused on resting and visiting with friends. It was a wonderful respite for both my body and soul. I was ready to hit the ground running come Monday, and you’ll hear all about that in next week’s update! Have a great day y’all! Shalom…
This week, I’m pretty sure *I* was the sleeping bear. I’m gonna warn you right here, this is more than a running post. I’m gonna detour and touch on family matters and a little on perimenopause. If you can’t handle that, please move along. Thank you very much. If you’re game, please continue.
Sunday – I slept 8 hours, 43 minutes the night before. Not a lot of activity. I think I went to church. Yes, yes I did and I went to Planet Fitness afterwards to use the hydromassage beds. That was needed. I was still in a lot of pain from last week.
Me and the husband, hanging out in the parking garage like a couple of dorks in love. Scene behind us overlooks Detroit: Little Caesar’s Arena, Ford Field, etc.
Monday – Slept 9 hours, 36 minutes. I had planned to do strength training but according to my records, I did not. I did take a wicked nap in the afternoon in preparation for taking our daughter to her first concert. She was going with a friend to see Pierce the Veil and Blink 182, and hubs and I had a dinner date while we waited. I got a little teary eyed seeing her walk off towards the venue, knowing how much this meant to her. It was a good day. My babies are growing up so fast (more on that to come).
Cornfield behind me, this is one of the dead-ends in my neighborhood. This was just after I hit 4 miles and I so badly wanted to quit early and go straight home.
Tuesday – Slept 7 hours, 44 minutes. Ran 5 miles with hills. We’ve got a couple gnarly hills around our neighborhood and I was very pleased to see that my lungs and legs are handling them much better! This is growth, and great progress. It can only get better from here, if I stay consistent with the strength and hill training.
Wednesday – Slept 10 hours, 30 minutes. Took my daughter to the doctor for a well child visit. She’s doing well. Very healthy. Could use some improvements in her diet, which I’m sure is true of most teenagers (she’s 14). Right after getting a mom-requested lecture from the doctor about getting more fruits and veggies into her diet, she stood up and a package of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes fell out of her pocket. And, thank you for making my point, my dear! It was quite comical.
Thursday – Slept 9 hours, 40 minutes. I guess I didn’t do any training on this day. Probably more napping. I know I did have a lot of family management stuff I was working on so that’s probably what took all my time and energy. That and we took my daughter (Zebra Cake girl) shopping for some back to school clothes. I don’t remember what time we got home but I remember going straight to bed.
Friday – Slept 10 hours, 13 minutes. More family management stuff most of the day. Fitbod workout, 58 minutes. Triceps, shoulders, chest and lower back.
Saturday – Went to bed just before 8 pm the night before, which put my total sleep at 11 hours and 37 minutes. I was so tired. I did wake up around 4 am, read a book for about 10 minutes before going back to sleep. Because why not? This has been the pattern, and I believe it’s why I can “sleep” so many hours and still be tired the next day. It’s not great. I am blaming hormones and perimenopause, and have plans to see my ob/gyn doctor about it, eventually.
I say eventually, because I’ve been super preoccupied with managing my family’s schedules and clerical needs lately. I have one teenager just about to start driving and the other one entering his senior year of high school. And yes, the older is fully capable of doing many things on his own, but he is still living here and still in school and can always use some guidance. That and many things still require parental approval because he’s under 18. I don’t talk about my kids much here mostly because they have become their own people and they don’t need mom blabbing about their lives. They have social media, if they want to blab about their lives they can. But I will say that I am super proud of both of them.
My son is growing and maturing so fast I can’t keep up. Between his sports, friendships, and various jobs, he moves through this house like a hurricane and I barely get a chance to sit down and have chats with him. But when I do, I’m always blown away at who he is becoming and I’m excited to see where he goes in life.
My daughter is almost the polar opposite of her brother. She is an introverted homebody, and we always know where she is. I suspect that may change when she starts driving and working, but I’m enjoying having her around while I can. We have the best conversations, and I love hearing how her mind works. She is confident in who she is and I love that. I wish I had that at her age.
As we look to starting another school year, I’m reflecting on how far we’ve come as a family. We’ve been through so many challenges over the years. What I am proud of is the fact that we fought through all of our challenges as a unit. When one of us was falling, the other three were around to catch them. We work together to support each other, lend a hand, and let each other know we are not alone. Sure, we argue from time to time but overall we know we are loved no matter what. I hope we never lose that.
And that concludes my weekly training/life update. I imagine once the kids are back in school I’ll put more effort into writing more frequently. But still, I make no promises.
“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human, are created, strengthened and maintained.” ― Winston S. Churchill
~ Sunday – You will not believe this. This was supposed to be a rest day but I woke up at 6 am and could not get back to sleep. I had just woken up from a dream in which I was running, and so that’s where my mind went. I thought to myself, maybe I could just run a couple miles around the block. I would still have plenty of time before church. And then once I got dressed I figured, I have more than two hours, why don’t I just run the 8 miles I skipped yesterday? And so I did. I ran 8 miles and then showered and went to church. What?! I don’t even know who this woman is.
~ Tuesday – 4 miles. Decided about a mile in that I would detour to the local Rite-Aid to check out the closing sale and picked up a small notebook to keep in my purse. Rite-aid is just over 2 miles from our house so it worked out perfectly. Of course, I had to run the remaining 2 miles holding the notebook, but it wasn’t much of an inconvenience. And miraculously, this run erased all the soreness I was experiencing from yesterday’s Fitbod workout. It’s kind of like fighting fire with fire, I guess.
~ Wednesday – Fitbod workout, 35 minutes: Shoulders, triceps, and lower back. This one was a test to see how my right shoulder would do. I skipped the pushups but I did the arm raises with 3 pound weights and though there was some pain still, I was able to do them. I hope I didn’t overdo it. It felt fine the next day, so that was a good sign.
~ Thursday – Cross training – Rode bikes with my daughter! We had a couple errands we wanted to run, and the husband and son (aka my drivers) were both at work so we took the trike and bike out of the shed and rode the 2 miles into town. We hit the bank first, to open up a new checking/debit account for her. Second stop was the local Rite-Aid because they are closing the store and I wanted to buy up all of the hair dye my daughter uses for 40% off. That stuff adds up, especially as her thick hair is growing longer. And finally, last stop was Quality Dairy to get a cold beverage and donuts (my trike has a large basket for holding all the precious cargo). It felt great to get so much done. Errands plus cross training is always a win. I forgot to track with my Garmin but Google maps says it was a 4.4 mile round trip, so we’re going with that.
Post treadmill run, sweaty selfie. The incline kicked my butt!!
~ Friday – Hill training day! This race I’m training for is super hilly, so I have incorporated hill training into my plan, every other week. On this day though, I slept in too long and missed my window for cooler outdoor running. Temps around here have been in the upper 80s (Fahrenheit) and with humidity it gets pretty nasty. So I did my hill training in the basement, on the treadmill. I set the incline to 5% and walked/ran 2 miles. It took me so long to go that distance with the added incline! But it was a good workout for strengthening those hill running muscles, and I’ll have to keep this in mind as an option when I can’t get outside for it. I am excited about this race and don’t want to show up unprepared.
~ Saturday – Long run day. I was scheduled to run 9 miles today but I opted to make it a rest day. I had been diligent at hitting the rest of my training plan this week so I felt like the rest day would not hurt me. And in a way, I think I needed it. I spent the day lounging, drinking coffee, reading books, and ran a couple errands with the hubby. I hadn’t felt like I had a “day off” in awhile so this really was a sweet relief.
This coming week 6 I have three medical appointments, and it’s my “fatigue week” so I will try to do as much of my planned training as possible but as usual, I’m going to work at listening to my body and be careful not to burn out. We’ll see how that goes! And let’s hope I have gas in the tank on Saturday so I can actually complete my long run of 9 miles. I think temps may be coming down a little here in Michigan so that should help. Stay tuned!
Week four! We are just moving along, folks. This week was interrupted by a quick family trip to Chicago but it didn’t hurt my fitness in any way because we walked everywhere. And you bet I’m including that walking into my week 4 recap. So here goes:
~ Sunday – 10,869 steps. A good chunk of this was a brisk half mile walk to Wrigley Field and then another half mile to the site of my mother-in-law’s old house, and then the mile back to the apartment we rented. We kind of took the long way, and determined the whole trip was closer to 3 miles. And since it was continuous walking, I counted it as a “base run”. Close enough, right?
~ Monday – 16,661 steps walking around Chicago. Some near Wrigleyville but most was after taking the L downtown. We explored Millenium Park and then took the L back to our rental to rest up before the Cubs game later that night. (The Chicago trip really deserves it’s own post but I don’t know if I’ll get around to it.)
~ Tuesday – 5,059 steps because this was our last day in the city. We did most of our walking around the Chicago History Museum before heading home.
~ Wednesday – 2,425 steps. Did you read the first three days? You can’t blame me, admit it. We were all toast.
~ Thursday – 13,161 steps. This was primarily a 4 mile walk. I’ve been walking on Thursdays with a friend so that’s been nice to have the accountability. Otherwise Thursday would have looked a lot like Wednesday.
~ Friday – 2,416 steps. To be honest, this lack of movement was less about Chicago and more about the 4 mile walk on Thursday. I can’t make sense of it, but my legs just don’t do as well with walking. Running seems to make them the happiest.
This adorable kitty was rambunctious! Loved to get down on the floor and play.
~ Saturday – 2,118 steps. This was supposed to be an 8 mile long run day. I had everything packed up and ready to go the night before, but when my alarm went off at 6 am my body was really making it clear it still needed more rest. So I laid there in bed and thought about it, whether I would regret skipping this week’s long run or not, and decided I would stay in bed. It was a good move, because that extra rest gave me the energy I needed later that day to take my daughter to the cat cafe and hang out with some cute kitties. My husband and son are allergic, so this is our way of getting some feline cuddles in. And coffee too!
Overall it was a good week for training, even if it was quite different than what I had planned. It was no running or strength training, but I did a lot of walking and stayed active, resting when my body required it. One thing to recognize is that all the walking we had to do in Chicago, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do if it weren’t for my regular running. At 46, I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been and it’s an amazing feeling. Sure, I still needed some assistance walking around the city (my husband held my hand the whole time and kept me from falling no less than 3 times) but I was able to do it on my own two feet. No wheelchair required. When I was first diagnosed with M.S., I pictured a future in a wheelchair, and I’m grateful every day that I still don’t require that.
Week 5 is already off to a really strong start and I’m excited to tell you all about it once it’s completed! Stay tuned…
I ran a 10k on Saturday that I only half-heartedly trained for, but I had a blast. The weather was threatening thunderstorms all week, so the days leading up to it I wasn’t sure whether to be excited or bummed or nervous. The whole time I waffled between all these emotions I was kicking myself for not securing a guide runner for myself. The race was in my hometown, and 100% on trails I’ve trained on with a friend, so I just didn’t think I would need a guide. But adding rain to the mix would change the game a bit. I can’t see puddles well, or fallen branches. Also, my cochlear implants are not waterproof, and I did not want to have to remove them and run completely deaf.
I reached out to Facebook the day before, for encouragement and advice. My Facebook friends did not disappoint. I made a plan to wear my waterproof rain hat, and bring ziploc baggies to hold my cochlear processors if the hat didn’t keep them dry. With everyone’s encouragement, and the added benefit of having my husband present for the entirety of the race, I felt confident that I could do this.
The morning of the race I had a dream I was running a half marathon, and I was killing it. Seriously kicking ass and having fun. So that was my mindset when my Garmin watch buzzed at 7:30 am. I opened my eyes and said to myself, let’s do this! I looked at the sky and the morning’s weather forecast and was pleased to see that they only expected rain up until 9 or so. No storms! I was pleased at that, for sure, but my stomach was still in knots. I was excited and nervous, as usual. My husband and I got in the truck to head to the race and I just kept focusing on my breathing, hoping to settle my stomach. As we pulled out of our neighborhood Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir came on the radio (one of my favorites) and Mike and I looked at each other with impish smiles. I said, “This is my good luck running song.” In my head I was saying “Let’s f**king go. You’ve got this.”
As predicted, it did rain for the first couple miles of the race but then it cleared up for the remainder. There are lots of wooden bridges on our local trails, and they can get pretty slick when they are wet, so I did a lot of walking on the bridges. I normally run with intermittent 30 second walk breaks, Jeff Galloway style (if you know, you know), and my Garmin watch alerts me with vibrations when it’s time to run or walk. The problem is that I didn’t verify my watch was on the correct setting before starting the race, and about a half mile into the race I realized I wasn’t getting my alerts. It was still on the walk setting. I was feeling pretty strong with the running though, and knew I would have to do all the walking over the bridges, so I decided to go with it. I would just run the whole thing, with the exception of walking on the bridges.
My last-minute strategy worked out wonderfully and I felt strong the whole race. My left leg was of course threatening to drag towards the end, but not in the way it has in the past. Certainly not as bad as the last 10k, where for the last mile I needed to maintain a constant clutch on my guide runner’s arm to keep from falling. That was the Rivertown 10k in April, and I forgot to post about it, but it was a really fun race. In spite of the leg trouble at the end. Shout out to my guide and friend Mandy for making that race way more awesome than it should have been.
I finished this race with both hands held high and a smile on my face. I searched the crowd for Mike but I couldn’t find him so I just walked unsteadily toward a clearing, and then kept walking sort of in circles to keep from falling. I was unsteady, for sure, but I was able to stay upright this time, without any assistance. I may be getting stronger, folks! As I completed a circle and was facing the finish line, I saw Mike walking towards me. He had been on the other side, so I had a 50/50 chance of seeing him, I guess. We hugged, and then walked over to the pavilion to get a banana and granola bar. A race employee came over and asked me how it went, and I blabbed that I think this was my new favorite race. And even now, I think that’s true. I know I can run those trails for free, but it’s a whole different experience when you are surrounded by other runners, you are cheering each other on, and you get a pretty sweet medal at the end.
And of course, a free banana.
Riding home post race with my medal and my favorite chauffeur, my husband Mike.
I made a note awhile back to write this post but felt stuck and left it hanging. I’ve been struggling to find my groove with writing lately. Today being the first of June, I set a goal for myself to write at least 30 minutes and run at least 2 miles a day for the entire month. Y’all, there are so many parallels between writing and running, it’s uncanny. Warming up is crucial to both. I haven’t run yet today, but I did some writing, and in the practice of writing I already feel like I’m finding my “voice” again.
Anyway, back to the subject of this post, needing a new driver. Let me explain. Healing from CPTSD has been an amazing and difficult journey, and I am so grateful to be on the other side of it. HOWEVER, it came with some downsides. I believe my constant level of anxiety was the reason I did the things I did every day. The anxiety is why I had my routines. It’s why I couldn’t leave the laundry unfolded for too long, it’s why I had to plan the meals. My routines were driven by my anxiety.
With anxiety no longer driving the car, my routines were off-roading. Wee!! It was kind of fun for awhile, liberating even. But now I’m sort of getting back to reality and realizing I need some level of routine. Because I don’t live alone, and people count on me. So if anxiety isn’t driving the routines, what is? That’s a really good question, and I think the answer had to come after a lot of soul searching. I realized that I really like having a clean home. It feels very satisfying to have laundry and dishes that are not only clean, but put away. I am able to relax when we have food in the kitchen and I have a plan for meals I can feed my family. Having this order in my home gives me a really peaceful feeling. So I’ve been reintroducing my routines bit by bit, but only after making sure it’s because I want them there, and they make sense.
This change may not be noticeable to anyone else. On the outside it looks the same to my family. The difference now is that when I have my fatigue days and can’t keep up with my routines, I am able to say to myself, “just rest, that can wait.” Or better yet, I can ask my family members to help. I don’t feel that shame and guilt that I did before. I am able to have grace for myself and this body I live in. It’s a *wonderful* thing.
This is a matter of self-care, which the culture talks a lot about and I sort of cringe at, but I do agree you need to take care of yourself first. Well, second. Jesus first, then take care of you. I am better able to take care of family now because I take care of my needs first. Only now I feel like I’m doing that because I want to, not because some invisible force told me I should. My stepmom used to say “don’t should on yourself”, and I love that saying. “Should” is a terrible driver. You may be getting things done that way, but you do it with the added baggage of guilt and shame. Find a new driver, one who gives you grace and patience. You might find, as I did, that the new driver looks a lot like you!
Deaf and half-blind runner with multiple sclerosis
Little M.S. Runner 