Category Archives: Family

Exercise, Family, Food, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running

Sleeping Bear Training Week 11 of 14

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So. This week was all sorts of upside down as far as training goes. I only had two runs planned. A “short” run of 4 miles and a long run of 12. I also had hoped to do strength training, but it did not happen the way I expected.

Instead of doing boring Fitbod exercises, I helped my husband sand and restain our deck! He had done a bunch of prep work over the weekend while I was out galivanting over sand dunes with my girlfriends, so what was left was sanding and spraying the new stain on. The first day we sanded and I got a really good arm workout. The second day was staining, which he did with a sprayer (pictured left) while I followed as much as I could with a paintbrush and smoothed it out. This second day was more fun for me than it was for him. It turned out great, but we are still waiting for it to dry completely so I don’t have any after pictures to share.

Working on the deck took up Tuesday and Wednesday, and I was ridiculously worn out from all that manual labor, so Thursday I rested. By Friday I was ready to shake out my arms and legs with a 4 mile run, so that’s what I did! All my muscles were feeling sore and stiff, so it actually felt really good to move. Check me out here in my neighborhood, sporting my nerdy clip-on shades. I left a little late in the morning and the sun was in full force, so I was glad to have worn them.

I made the executive decision to postpone my Saturday 12 mile run so that I could attend my son’s tennis tournament. I don’t get a lot of chances to see him play, so I had to take this opportunity. I can always run another day. At this point I stil don’t know when I’ll do that 12 mile run, but it’s looking good for Tuesday. Fingers crossed!

I’ve been taking my stairs at home two at a time, trying to work those hill climbing muscles, and I imagine it is helping. We’ll see when I actually get out there. I feel good. Strong even. I’ve also been trying to eat better, increasing my healthy carbs, decreasing my processed foods as much as possible. Lots of fruits and veggies. That seems to be helping me too. Not just with physical health, but emotional and hormonal health as well. Just a theory, so it may not be true but it helps me sleep at night. Ha!

I hope you are doing well out there where you are. I wish you all health and peace. Shalom, friends!

Family, Food, Kids, Photos, Piper, Punky, Running

Sleeping Bear Training Week 8 of 14

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Okay, here’s the recap of week 8 (I feel like I’m really slipping on getting these out in time):

Sunday – Rest and stuff

Monday – Some medical stuff, helping prep kids for school starting on Wednesday. Basically all the family management tasks that wear me out. But it was a good day. Lots of steps (Also there may have been a donut or two).

Tuesday – 5 mile run, all the hills in my neighborhood and the one north of us. I need to kick up the hill training cuz these hills are getting too easy for me. Might mean a trip out of the neighborhood!

Wednesday – school started! I had the whole house to myself all morning (it was a half day). I did a 35 minute Fitbod workout: quadriceps, hamstrings, glutes, and abs.

Thursday – I ran 2 beautiful, glorious miles. It was the first full day with kids at school, so I’m sure that was a factor in my enjoyment lol
I’m pictured here with my two doggies. They love to greet me after every run and love running around in the yard while I stretch and rehydrate.

Friday – I ran 11 miles! I decided to move the long run from Saturday because the weather looked better (cooler) and also I had some afternoon plans on Saturday I didn’t want to be feeling half-dead for. This second try at a selfie near the “Trail Ends” sign was successful. The trail ends, but the low traffic side street begins, so I continued on.

Until that road ended, and you’ll see another selfie here of me being slightly disappointed I had to turn around sooner than I anticipated. It was fine, I still got my miles in. And I still might find a way to go farther. Hubby says we can take a look at it from Google Earth and see how it might connect because he’s pretty sure there’s more trail to run.

Can I just say though, how *aware* I am of the muscles in my legs when I’m running? Wednesday’s workout was short but effective, and I was feeling the burn, for sure. But also, I could really sense that those muscles are getting stronger and it really is helping add more ease to my running. On my long run this week I chose to play my 180 beat playlist so it would keep me on a steady pace while I focused on my form and breathing. I’m still amazed at what the human body is capable of. Focused breathing really helped with my stamina, especially with those later miles on the long run. It’s nice to have these good runs to remind me on the harder days that it’s still worth it.

Saturday & Sunday – These two days I just really focused on resting and visiting with friends. It was a wonderful respite for both my body and soul. I was ready to hit the ground running come Monday, and you’ll hear all about that in next week’s update! Have a great day y’all! Shalom…

Domestic Engineer, Exercise, Family, Food, Funny story, Health, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Multiple Sclerosis, Music, Parenting, Photos, Running, Stories

Sleeping Bear Training Week 7

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This week, I’m pretty sure *I* was the sleeping bear. I’m gonna warn you right here, this is more than a running post. I’m gonna detour and touch on family matters and a little on perimenopause. If you can’t handle that, please move along. Thank you very much. If you’re game, please continue.

Sunday – I slept 8 hours, 43 minutes the night before. Not a lot of activity. I think I went to church. Yes, yes I did and I went to Planet Fitness afterwards to use the hydromassage beds. That was needed. I was still in a lot of pain from last week.

Me and the husband, hanging out in the parking garage like a couple of dorks in love. Scene behind us overlooks Detroit: Little Caesar’s Arena, Ford Field, etc.

Monday – Slept 9 hours, 36 minutes. I had planned to do strength training but according to my records, I did not. I did take a wicked nap in the afternoon in preparation for taking our daughter to her first concert. She was going with a friend to see Pierce the Veil and Blink 182, and hubs and I had a dinner date while we waited. I got a little teary eyed seeing her walk off towards the venue, knowing how much this meant to her. It was a good day. My babies are growing up so fast (more on that to come).

Cornfield behind me, this is one of the dead-ends in my neighborhood. This was just after I hit 4 miles and I so badly wanted to quit early and go straight home.

Tuesday – Slept 7 hours, 44 minutes. Ran 5 miles with hills. We’ve got a couple gnarly hills around our neighborhood and I was very pleased to see that my lungs and legs are handling them much better! This is growth, and great progress. It can only get better from here, if I stay consistent with the strength and hill training.

Wednesday – Slept 10 hours, 30 minutes. Took my daughter to the doctor for a well child visit. She’s doing well. Very healthy. Could use some improvements in her diet, which I’m sure is true of most teenagers (she’s 14). Right after getting a mom-requested lecture from the doctor about getting more fruits and veggies into her diet, she stood up and a package of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes fell out of her pocket. And, thank you for making my point, my dear! It was quite comical.

Thursday – Slept 9 hours, 40 minutes. I guess I didn’t do any training on this day. Probably more napping. I know I did have a lot of family management stuff I was working on so that’s probably what took all my time and energy. That and we took my daughter (Zebra Cake girl) shopping for some back to school clothes. I don’t remember what time we got home but I remember going straight to bed.

Friday – Slept 10 hours, 13 minutes. More family management stuff most of the day. Fitbod workout, 58 minutes. Triceps, shoulders, chest and lower back.

Saturday – Went to bed just before 8 pm the night before, which put my total sleep at 11 hours and 37 minutes. I was so tired. I did wake up around 4 am, read a book for about 10 minutes before going back to sleep. Because why not? This has been the pattern, and I believe it’s why I can “sleep” so many hours and still be tired the next day. It’s not great. I am blaming hormones and perimenopause, and have plans to see my ob/gyn doctor about it, eventually.

I say eventually, because I’ve been super preoccupied with managing my family’s schedules and clerical needs lately. I have one teenager just about to start driving and the other one entering his senior year of high school. And yes, the older is fully capable of doing many things on his own, but he is still living here and still in school and can always use some guidance. That and many things still require parental approval because he’s under 18. I don’t talk about my kids much here mostly because they have become their own people and they don’t need mom blabbing about their lives. They have social media, if they want to blab about their lives they can. But I will say that I am super proud of both of them.

My son is growing and maturing so fast I can’t keep up. Between his sports, friendships, and various jobs, he moves through this house like a hurricane and I barely get a chance to sit down and have chats with him. But when I do, I’m always blown away at who he is becoming and I’m excited to see where he goes in life.

My daughter is almost the polar opposite of her brother. She is an introverted homebody, and we always know where she is. I suspect that may change when she starts driving and working, but I’m enjoying having her around while I can. We have the best conversations, and I love hearing how her mind works. She is confident in who she is and I love that. I wish I had that at her age.

As we look to starting another school year, I’m reflecting on how far we’ve come as a family. We’ve been through so many challenges over the years. What I am proud of is the fact that we fought through all of our challenges as a unit. When one of us was falling, the other three were around to catch them. We work together to support each other, lend a hand, and let each other know we are not alone. Sure, we argue from time to time but overall we know we are loved no matter what. I hope we never lose that.

And that concludes my weekly training/life update. I imagine once the kids are back in school I’ll put more effort into writing more frequently. But still, I make no promises.

“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human, are created, strengthened and maintained.”
― Winston S. Churchill

Family, Kids, Multiple Sclerosis, Running

Sleeping Bear Training Week 5

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~ Sunday – You will not believe this. This was supposed to be a rest day but I woke up at 6 am and could not get back to sleep. I had just woken up from a dream in which I was running, and so that’s where my mind went. I thought to myself, maybe I could just run a couple miles around the block. I would still have plenty of time before church. And then once I got dressed I figured, I have more than two hours, why don’t I just run the 8 miles I skipped yesterday? And so I did. I ran 8 miles and then showered and went to church. What?! I don’t even know who this woman is.

~ Monday – Fitbod workout, 56 minutes. Hamstrings, quadriceps, glutes and abs.

~ Tuesday – 4 miles. Decided about a mile in that I would detour to the local Rite-Aid to check out the closing sale and picked up a small notebook to keep in my purse. Rite-aid is just over 2 miles from our house so it worked out perfectly. Of course, I had to run the remaining 2 miles holding the notebook, but it wasn’t much of an inconvenience. And miraculously, this run erased all the soreness I was experiencing from yesterday’s Fitbod workout. It’s kind of like fighting fire with fire, I guess.

~ Wednesday – Fitbod workout, 35 minutes: Shoulders, triceps, and lower back. This one was a test to see how my right shoulder would do. I skipped the pushups but I did the arm raises with 3 pound weights and though there was some pain still, I was able to do them. I hope I didn’t overdo it. It felt fine the next day, so that was a good sign.

~ Thursday – Cross training – Rode bikes with my daughter! We had a couple errands we wanted to run, and the husband and son (aka my drivers) were both at work so we took the trike and bike out of the shed and rode the 2 miles into town. We hit the bank first, to open up a new checking/debit account for her. Second stop was the local Rite-Aid because they are closing the store and I wanted to buy up all of the hair dye my daughter uses for 40% off. That stuff adds up, especially as her thick hair is growing longer. And finally, last stop was Quality Dairy to get a cold beverage and donuts (my trike has a large basket for holding all the precious cargo). It felt great to get so much done. Errands plus cross training is always a win. I forgot to track with my Garmin but Google maps says it was a 4.4 mile round trip, so we’re going with that.

Post treadmill run, sweaty selfie. The incline kicked my butt!!

~ Friday – Hill training day! This race I’m training for is super hilly, so I have incorporated hill training into my plan, every other week. On this day though, I slept in too long and missed my window for cooler outdoor running. Temps around here have been in the upper 80s (Fahrenheit) and with humidity it gets pretty nasty. So I did my hill training in the basement, on the treadmill. I set the incline to 5% and walked/ran 2 miles. It took me so long to go that distance with the added incline! But it was a good workout for strengthening those hill running muscles, and I’ll have to keep this in mind as an option when I can’t get outside for it. I am excited about this race and don’t want to show up unprepared.

~ Saturday – Long run day. I was scheduled to run 9 miles today but I opted to make it a rest day. I had been diligent at hitting the rest of my training plan this week so I felt like the rest day would not hurt me. And in a way, I think I needed it. I spent the day lounging, drinking coffee, reading books, and ran a couple errands with the hubby. I hadn’t felt like I had a “day off” in awhile so this really was a sweet relief.

This coming week 6 I have three medical appointments, and it’s my “fatigue week” so I will try to do as much of my planned training as possible but as usual, I’m going to work at listening to my body and be careful not to burn out. We’ll see how that goes! And let’s hope I have gas in the tank on Saturday so I can actually complete my long run of 9 miles. I think temps may be coming down a little here in Michigan so that should help. Stay tuned!

Coffee, Family, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Vacation

Sleeping Bear Training Week 4

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Week four! We are just moving along, folks. This week was interrupted by a quick family trip to Chicago but it didn’t hurt my fitness in any way because we walked everywhere. And you bet I’m including that walking into my week 4 recap. So here goes:

~ Sunday – 10,869 steps. A good chunk of this was a brisk half mile walk to Wrigley Field and then another half mile to the site of my mother-in-law’s old house, and then the mile back to the apartment we rented. We kind of took the long way, and determined the whole trip was closer to 3 miles. And since it was continuous walking, I counted it as a “base run”. Close enough, right?

~ Monday – 16,661 steps walking around Chicago. Some near Wrigleyville but most was after taking the L downtown. We explored Millenium Park and then took the L back to our rental to rest up before the Cubs game later that night. (The Chicago trip really deserves it’s own post but I don’t know if I’ll get around to it.)

~ Tuesday – 5,059 steps because this was our last day in the city. We did most of our walking around the Chicago History Museum before heading home.

~ Wednesday – 2,425 steps. Did you read the first three days? You can’t blame me, admit it. We were all toast.

~ Thursday – 13,161 steps. This was primarily a 4 mile walk. I’ve been walking on Thursdays with a friend so that’s been nice to have the accountability. Otherwise Thursday would have looked a lot like Wednesday.

~ Friday – 2,416 steps. To be honest, this lack of movement was less about Chicago and more about the 4 mile walk on Thursday. I can’t make sense of it, but my legs just don’t do as well with walking. Running seems to make them the happiest.

This adorable kitty was rambunctious! Loved to get down on the floor and play.

~ Saturday – 2,118 steps. This was supposed to be an 8 mile long run day. I had everything packed up and ready to go the night before, but when my alarm went off at 6 am my body was really making it clear it still needed more rest. So I laid there in bed and thought about it, whether I would regret skipping this week’s long run or not, and decided I would stay in bed. It was a good move, because that extra rest gave me the energy I needed later that day to take my daughter to the cat cafe and hang out with some cute kitties. My husband and son are allergic, so this is our way of getting some feline cuddles in. And coffee too!

Overall it was a good week for training, even if it was quite different than what I had planned. It was no running or strength training, but I did a lot of walking and stayed active, resting when my body required it. One thing to recognize is that all the walking we had to do in Chicago, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do if it weren’t for my regular running. At 46, I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been and it’s an amazing feeling. Sure, I still needed some assistance walking around the city (my husband held my hand the whole time and kept me from falling no less than 3 times) but I was able to do it on my own two feet. No wheelchair required. When I was first diagnosed with M.S., I pictured a future in a wheelchair, and I’m grateful every day that I still don’t require that.

Week 5 is already off to a really strong start and I’m excited to tell you all about it once it’s completed! Stay tuned…

Family, Food, Friends, Multiple Sclerosis, Music, Photos, Running

Trail Town 10k Report

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I ran a 10k on Saturday that I only half-heartedly trained for, but I had a blast. The weather was threatening thunderstorms all week, so the days leading up to it I wasn’t sure whether to be excited or bummed or nervous. The whole time I waffled between all these emotions I was kicking myself for not securing a guide runner for myself. The race was in my hometown, and 100% on trails I’ve trained on with a friend, so I just didn’t think I would need a guide. But adding rain to the mix would change the game a bit. I can’t see puddles well, or fallen branches. Also, my cochlear implants are not waterproof, and I did not want to have to remove them and run completely deaf.

I reached out to Facebook the day before, for encouragement and advice. My Facebook friends did not disappoint. I made a plan to wear my waterproof rain hat, and bring ziploc baggies to hold my cochlear processors if the hat didn’t keep them dry. With everyone’s encouragement, and the added benefit of having my husband present for the entirety of the race, I felt confident that I could do this.

The morning of the race I had a dream I was running a half marathon, and I was killing it. Seriously kicking ass and having fun. So that was my mindset when my Garmin watch buzzed at 7:30 am. I opened my eyes and said to myself, let’s do this! I looked at the sky and the morning’s weather forecast and was pleased to see that they only expected rain up until 9 or so. No storms! I was pleased at that, for sure, but my stomach was still in knots. I was excited and nervous, as usual. My husband and I got in the truck to head to the race and I just kept focusing on my breathing, hoping to settle my stomach. As we pulled out of our neighborhood Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir came on the radio (one of my favorites) and Mike and I looked at each other with impish smiles. I said, “This is my good luck running song.” In my head I was saying “Let’s f**king go. You’ve got this.”

As predicted, it did rain for the first couple miles of the race but then it cleared up for the remainder. There are lots of wooden bridges on our local trails, and they can get pretty slick when they are wet, so I did a lot of walking on the bridges. I normally run with intermittent 30 second walk breaks, Jeff Galloway style (if you know, you know), and my Garmin watch alerts me with vibrations when it’s time to run or walk. The problem is that I didn’t verify my watch was on the correct setting before starting the race, and about a half mile into the race I realized I wasn’t getting my alerts. It was still on the walk setting. I was feeling pretty strong with the running though, and knew I would have to do all the walking over the bridges, so I decided to go with it. I would just run the whole thing, with the exception of walking on the bridges.

My last-minute strategy worked out wonderfully and I felt strong the whole race. My left leg was of course threatening to drag towards the end, but not in the way it has in the past. Certainly not as bad as the last 10k, where for the last mile I needed to maintain a constant clutch on my guide runner’s arm to keep from falling. That was the Rivertown 10k in April, and I forgot to post about it, but it was a really fun race. In spite of the leg trouble at the end. Shout out to my guide and friend Mandy for making that race way more awesome than it should have been.

I finished this race with both hands held high and a smile on my face. I searched the crowd for Mike but I couldn’t find him so I just walked unsteadily toward a clearing, and then kept walking sort of in circles to keep from falling. I was unsteady, for sure, but I was able to stay upright this time, without any assistance. I may be getting stronger, folks! As I completed a circle and was facing the finish line, I saw Mike walking towards me. He had been on the other side, so I had a 50/50 chance of seeing him, I guess. We hugged, and then walked over to the pavilion to get a banana and granola bar. A race employee came over and asked me how it went, and I blabbed that I think this was my new favorite race. And even now, I think that’s true. I know I can run those trails for free, but it’s a whole different experience when you are surrounded by other runners, you are cheering each other on, and you get a pretty sweet medal at the end.

And of course, a free banana.

Riding home post race with my medal and my favorite chauffeur, my husband Mike.

Anxiety, Disability, Domestic Engineer, Faith, Family, Running, Stories, Writing

I need a new driver

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I made a note awhile back to write this post but felt stuck and left it hanging. I’ve been struggling to find my groove with writing lately. Today being the first of June, I set a goal for myself to write at least 30 minutes and run at least 2 miles a day for the entire month. Y’all, there are so many parallels between writing and running, it’s uncanny. Warming up is crucial to both. I haven’t run yet today, but I did some writing, and in the practice of writing I already feel like I’m finding my “voice” again.

Anyway, back to the subject of this post, needing a new driver. Let me explain. Healing from CPTSD has been an amazing and difficult journey, and I am so grateful to be on the other side of it. HOWEVER, it came with some downsides. I believe my constant level of anxiety was the reason I did the things I did every day. The anxiety is why I had my routines. It’s why I couldn’t leave the laundry unfolded for too long, it’s why I had to plan the meals. My routines were driven by my anxiety.

With anxiety no longer driving the car, my routines were off-roading. Wee!! It was kind of fun for awhile, liberating even. But now I’m sort of getting back to reality and realizing I need some level of routine. Because I don’t live alone, and people count on me. So if anxiety isn’t driving the routines, what is? That’s a really good question, and I think the answer had to come after a lot of soul searching. I realized that I really like having a clean home. It feels very satisfying to have laundry and dishes that are not only clean, but put away. I am able to relax when we have food in the kitchen and I have a plan for meals I can feed my family. Having this order in my home gives me a really peaceful feeling. So I’ve been reintroducing my routines bit by bit, but only after making sure it’s because I want them there, and they make sense.

This change may not be noticeable to anyone else. On the outside it looks the same to my family. The difference now is that when I have my fatigue days and can’t keep up with my routines, I am able to say to myself, “just rest, that can wait.” Or better yet, I can ask my family members to help. I don’t feel that shame and guilt that I did before. I am able to have grace for myself and this body I live in. It’s a *wonderful* thing.

This is a matter of self-care, which the culture talks a lot about and I sort of cringe at, but I do agree you need to take care of yourself first. Well, second. Jesus first, then take care of you. I am better able to take care of family now because I take care of my needs first. Only now I feel like I’m doing that because I want to, not because some invisible force told me I should. My stepmom used to say “don’t should on yourself”, and I love that saying. “Should” is a terrible driver. You may be getting things done that way, but you do it with the added baggage of guilt and shame. Find a new driver, one who gives you grace and patience. You might find, as I did, that the new driver looks a lot like you!

Deafness, Disability, Exercise, Family, Friends, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Stories, Visually Impaired

Running with Guides

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A few months ago I signed up for a new-to-me 10k. The entire race event is set up to raise funds and awareness for pulmonary hypertension (PH) and multiple sclerosis (MS), and it offered multiple distance options. The name of the 10k distance was “Melinda’s 10k”, which is my full name so you know I just HAD to sign up. I did not look at the course map, and I had no friends who were running it but I wasn’t worried about it. I would wear my DeafBlind vest and be extra careful, and it would be fine. I signed up, and then forgot all about it.

A month ago I received a message from United in Stride, which is an online database that helps pair blind runners with guides. The company was founded in 2015, so it hasn’t been around for long, but I do believe it’s growing. I signed up with them several years ago, when I realized I was getting serious about running, but at that time there weren’t any guide runners in my area so I just forgot about it. Then comes this message from Allison, who wants to know if I need a guide runner for any upcoming races. At first I told her no, because I had forgotten about Melinda’s 10k, but then immediately came back and said yes, actually I do have a race I need a guide for. She was immediately on board! Not only that, she was eager to run a couple training runs with me, which was a great way for us to get to know each other ahead of the race, and for us to practice running side by side.

Me & Allison before the race. Lots of sun! All smiles.

We ran this race together, and it was a good thing I had her with me. For several reasons, much of the course we were the only ones in sight (or at least in my sight): it was a small-town race, not a lot of 10k participants, not a lot of spectators, and I’m pretty slow so I hang at the back of the “pack”. There were several spots in the course where I could have easily made a wrong turn and gotten lost. I was super grateful to have her with me. I had been hoping to beat my previous 10k PR (personal record) from 2020, but that wasn’t meant to be. Not only was it really warm this day, but my fatigue this past month was pretty gnarly and prevented me from doing the amount of training I needed. I was happy to finish though, and I wasn’t too far off my goal, so I’ve got something to work towards for the next one.

Me & Allison after the race, holding up our medals. Still smiling!

The best part about this for me, what I’m really excited about, is that it opens up more options for racing. Up until now I’ve only ever entertained the idea of running races local to me, where I could easily get a ride from my family or friends, and not have to worry about inconveniencing them. The couple I have done outside of our area, my family and friends graciously took me to because they knew they were important to me, but I’ve run out of those bucket list type races. Now I just want to keep racing for the fun of it. It’s hard to ask someone to bring you to an out-of-town race when there’s nothing in it for them but standing around waiting for you to drag your sweaty ass over the finish line (thank you a million times over to my dear husband who does this without complaint, and is always more than willing to hug me and hold me up at the end, despite my level of stink).

So. All that to say, I am stoked to have yet another running buddy. Allison and I have been talking about what other races we could run together, and I love her enthusiasm. I’m old enough to be her mom, which took some getting used to at first, but I think her energy helps to motivate me so it’s a great thing. She made us matching bracelets that say “Unstoppable”, and I’m looking forward to wearing mine at all our future races.

The finisher’s medal and the bead bracelet Allison made for me.

As I was writing this it occurred to me that I don’t think I ever posted about my race from last month, so I’ll get that one started for you too. It will be another great opportunity to talk about my invaluable guide runners. I couldn’t do this crazy stuff without them!

Family, Food, Multiple Sclerosis, Running, Stories, Writing

Shall we chat about food and writing?

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Well, I spoke too soon about the dysesthesia (the burning sensation) on my back. I had a day’s reprieve, but it returned today. So that was kind of disappointing, but it’s fine. It just requires some wardrobe adjustments and limiting my upper body movement until it settles down. No biggie.

With my increase in energy I was able to make more meals at home this week! One of the downsides of my fatigue is that I’m not making meals for my family. This means they are eating crap processed food from the freezer, or Ramen (my daughter’s personal favorite), or fast food. So this week it has been really nice to get back to some better meals. Wednesday I made BLTs and onion rings. Thursday I made shredded chicken for tacos in the crockpot and it was so good (and plentiful) we had it again for dinner tonight. Tomorrow I’m planning to make pulled pork for sandwiches with coleslaw, and Sunday, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Most would probably not call any of these meals healthy, but compared to what we eat when we are in mom’s-fatigued-crisis-mode, it’s a nice change. Also, it’s mostly been food my picky family all enjoys, so that’s always satisfying.

In addition to returning to healthy habits, I’m trying to get back to writing and working on my memoir. I had been plugging along pretty steadily on that when the fatigue hit. I knew writing a memoir would be challenging, but I’m finding it challenging in ways I didn’t expect. Through the magic of the interwebs I’ve connected with a lot of other memoir writers, however, and I am learning a ton. It’s been really great to bounce ideas off other people who can relate directly to the challenges I’m facing. They offer advice that they’ve learned along the way, and hopefully I’m able to offer them helpful feedback as well. I joined a weekly writer’s group to help keep me motivated. Just being a member of the group keeps me accountable and encouraged to not give up on the process.

You might find this interesting: I’ve read in several books on how to write memoirs, that writing a memoir is akin to training for a marathon. Which is humorous to me. I’ve trained for two marathons, and writing this memoir is by far the most challenging. At least with the marathons I had cut and dried plans to follow. But while “how to write a memoir” isn’t so cut and dried and that is frustrating to me, it means there’s a lot of room for creativity and I’m learning how fun that can be. For example, this past week in my writing group I took a stab at a “quick and dirty” shortened version of what I *think* the book will end up being about. I read it to the rest of the group and it was a lot of fun! It felt silly and free, and like it had sort of gotten me “unstuck” from where I was in the process. I still have so far to go, but I at least feel like I’m headed in a (mostly) forward direction. I will include my quick and dirty short version at the end here, in case you are curious. Keep in mind, it’s not to be read for critique, it was only written as an exercise in searching for a skeleton or outline to the book, which has been one of my ginormous struggles up to this point. I have a plethora of life experiences and stories in my head as well as on the page, and needed to find a way to filter out what actually belongs in this book.

Here is what I wrote this week:

Once upon a time there was a woman. She sat at home alone, feeling helpless and hopeless. She considered swallowing a bottle of Xanax to put an end to her suffering. (They said I should start with my lowest point.)

But! A desperate cry into the interwebs resulted in a friend coming over to save her from herself. She vowed never again to give up fighting.

Why was she so hopeless? What was she fighting? Multiple sclerosis yes, but more recently deafness, permanent vision loss. How will she come back from all this? What will rehabilitation look like?

She decides to start with the basics. Cleaning, cooking, connecting with family and friends. She developed new routines, and as things were scary or feeling new to her, her friends and family helped her to adapt. She overcame fears of boiling water and cutting apples, for example. She began walking around the block with her walker, and eventually walking with her cane to take her kids to the bus stop for school. She eventually was able to give up the cane until one day, she decided to see what would happen if she jogged for a couple of sidewalk squares.

Incredibly, she did not fall!! Bolstered by her victory, she worked and worked at building up the strength in her legs, taking solo trips around the neighborhood. When news came of a local 5k race happening, she decided to sign up to run it. (And here’s where we could write more about all the races she’s run and how she had to adapt, not ever having been a runner previously, and certainly never one with physical impairments.) Five years later, we see a woman running alone in the street, leaning hard to the left, hobbling her way to a makeshift finish line. As she sobs, she breaks through the caution tape and collapses into her husband’s arms. She has just run her first marathon, 26.2 miles, in just under 7 hours. She is elated, ecstatic to have finished on her feet, but vows never to run another one.

That ending is obviously incomplete, but it was a timed exercise so that’s where I had to leave it. I’ve always struggled with endings, so I still don’t know where to go with it, but I’ll figure that out (for those who know my story, if you have suggestions, I’d love to hear them!). If you could see the mess of chapters and paragraphs I’ve collected so far, you would appreciate that writing this quick and dirty tale is a major step forward in creating a plotline for my memoir. Beginnings seem to come naturally to me when I’m writing, but I get a little lost in my head through the middle and by the end I just don’t know how to “land the plane”. So that’s something I’m accepting about myself and working on. This writing project is proving to be a great lesson in grace and patience with oneself! For real.

And that is all, folks. It’s after 9, my brain has officially shut down. No more editing. This is what you get. Have a fabulous weekend!

Cochlear implant, Coffee, Disability, Domestic Engineer, Family, Friends, Grief, Health, Housekeeping, Kids, Multiple Sclerosis

Health Update (Warning: this is a long one)

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I have great news. My fatigue levels have been going steadily down, my left leg has become way more responsive, and as of today, I am feeling zero nerve pain on my back! I can cautiously say I am back to my previous “normal”.

I first noticed the energy levels coming back a few days ago. I had been walking around the house, originally for accomplishing only necessary tasks like using the restroom and drinking coffee. But somehow along the way I realized I was *also* picking things up and putting them away, cleaning small problem areas in various rooms. It was only when my daughter said to me, “you need to sit down”, that I realized I had been doing anything extra. I thought she was telling me to sit down so I wouldn’t spill my coffee (as I often do), but she said it because she noticed I was audibly out of breath from walking up the stairs.  That was the moment it dawned on me. I had been cleaning, and that walk up the stairs to my bedroom was the last straw for my lungs, apparently.

Let me just pause the update right here and share with you the poignant realization that came to me at this time. What dawned on me was this: I am not a lazy person. I do the things that need to be done, when I am able. Even more surprising, I don’t often have to think about it; I just do it. This realization gave me such pause because one of the things I’ve been struggling with over these several weeks of constant fatigue is the feeling like I’m not measuring up because I’m not doing the things I normally do. I was feeling like an unproductive and lazy person. I don’t know why the voices in my head tell me such awful lies, but they do. So while I was happy to have some energy creeping back, I was also sad to think that all that time when I could have been resting peacefully and allowing my body to heal from this wretched attack on my nerves, instead I was beating myself up for not being more productive. I think we like to call this, “stinkin’ thinkin'”, and it’s got to stop.

So I’m putting this here for two reasons. One – so that I can come back to it when those awful thoughts inevitably come back to haunt me and two – so that you can learn from my mistakes and be kinder to yourself as well.

Now back to my health update…

When I realized all these symptoms that had crept up weren’t going away, I had reached out to my neurologist’s office. They ordered lab tests, which all came back normal. They would have liked to see current MRIs to check for active lesions on my brain and spine, but since I have cochlear implants that’s not an option for me. Some newer cochlear implants are safe for certain MRI machines, but not mine. I would have to have them surgically removed first. Not happening, that’s overkill. So, since they couldn’t get updated MRIs, we just moved forward with treating my symptoms. The nurse practitioner talked with me for over an hour in her office, discussing diet, exercise, sleep, stress levels. Through our discussion I think we landed on two possible culprits, poor sleep and high stress.

We’ve addressed my poor sleep quality with a small nightly dose of gabapentin. I have taken this in the past at a higher dose for nerve pain in my legs, but never on a consistent basis. She wanted me to take a small dose every night to let it build up in my system, knowing it would help me sleep but also may help with the nerve pain in my back (the technical term is dysesthesia, if you care to look it up.) The gabapentin did not have a noticeable effect on the dysesthesia. However, it is absolutely improving my sleep quality and I think that has been the #1 factor in the abatement of all my symptoms.

Sleep is an easier fix than the second factor. One of the first questions the neurologist’s assistant had asked me was, “Have you had an increase in stress level?”. Big Fat Sigh. You could say that. I told her we had recently lost a close friend to cancer. Our friend Dave passed away in January, after fighting an aggressive cancer for five months. Five months that felt like both an eternity and a blink of an eye. Dave had been like a brother to us for 25 years. His family is our family. He was only 47, and he’s left behind a beautiful and amazing wife and two grown children. He was my husband’s best friend. His wife Sarah, one of my best friends. His absence is still felt daily in our home.

I shared with Sarah shortly after his passing that I didn’t feel like I had the right to be so sad because he wasn’t MY husband. He wasn’t MY best friend. But she – so graciously and that’s why I love her so much – told me we all had the right to grieve. We all grieve in different ways, and that’s okay.

I didn’t intend for this post to be about anything other than my health update, but it has taken this turn and I’m going with it. What I’m acknowledging is that Dave’s illness and passing was more stressful than I realized. Prior to this I was fortunate to say I hadn’t dealt a whole lot with death. I hadn’t lost a lot of people I was very close with. My immediate family and close friends are all still living. But Dave was close, and I know this because his absence is still felt here in our home. Reminders of him are everywhere. When we were searching for old photos of him for his memorial service, my husband and I joked that we had more pictures of his kids than ours. We have so many great stories, memories of time spent with him. We will never forget him. We are sad, heartbroken, but we know he is now at peace and no longer suffering. And if he were reading this he would say let’s move on Mel, this is depressing.

Okay? Okay. Back to the health update…

So, externally, I can acknowledge that my grief changed the way I was eating, drinking, sleeping, exercising. All the normal, healthy habits I had worked to establish went out the window. And internally, I was holding in a lot of emotional pain. I still am somewhat, but I’m working through all that with prayer, journaling, therapy, connecting with friends and family. My heart is healing.

I have been getting back to my healthy habits, but the reality is that my body tends to delay in its reactions to stress. I am generally a slow processor – “don’t rush me!” – and this translates neurologically as well. In fact, when I had the BIG relapse in 2013 that left me deaf and half blind, it all started one week after I completed my last college class to complete my bachelor’s degree. I had been under a lot of stress, and my body held that in until after it was over. So I think that’s kind of what has been happening now. I was holding in a lot of that stress and grief and when I started to let go of it, my body reacted. Stress and M.S. are a really bad combo. I need to remember that moving forward and be more mindful of my stress levels. Know better, do better. Be kind to yourself, and rest when you need it. That lesson is for both me and you. Do you hear me? It’s for all of us. Shalom, my friends. Shalom.