Category Archives: Disability

Disability, Family, Grown-up Stuff, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Running, Writing

Emerging from the fog of four weeks of fatigue

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Is there another word for emerging that starts with F? Something about alliteration soothes me. I know I’m weird. I’ve embraced it.

I’m popping my head up, finally. Happy new year! I had a good holiday season. A lot of relaxing and spending time with my family. My son was home from college for an extended period of time, so that was nice. After he went back to school his absence was almost palpable. He is the energetic extrovert of our family, so without him we resumed our antisocial ways, only peeking out occasionally from our caves to eat food and play with the dogs.

The reason for my four weeks of fatigue was an unfortunate timing of events. In mid-December, we learned my husband’s employer was switching to a new health insurance company, in order to keep it affordable for everyone. I’m not mad about the decision, I understand the necessity, but the timing of it was not ideal. Most of our medical providers participate with the new insurance, but my infusion center did not. This forced me to move to a new infusion center. Which involves getting new authorization and approval. My infusion was due on January 1st. The new insurance went into effect on January 1st. This obviously did not allow enough time to make the transition. It was a big ‘ole mess, and I spent several weeks on the phone fighting to get approval and get scheduled for my infusion. I finally pulled a “Karen” and demanded to speak to a manager. Surprisingly, that actually worked! Within 2 days of talking with this manager I had my approval and was scheduled for my infusion. It was almost 3 weeks late, which had me worried some, but aside from extremely debilitating fatigue, I had no new MS symptoms. Knock on wood. It was my usual week of fatigue I get prior to each monthly infusion, plus 3 bonus weeks. 1 + 3 = 4. FUN.

So now that I’m coming out of that fog, I’m loving the feeling of NOT dragging. Remember when you think about doing something and you just get up and do it? You don’t have to take deep breaths and talk yourself into it, one painful baby step at a time. Like showering. Remember that? It’s here! It came back! Now you have three weeks to catch up on everything before the next bout hits. But beware, you don’t want to wear yourself out so be careful. Don’t rush in. Be intentional. You’ve got this.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m so thankful to have made it through that hiccup, and just praying my health stays stable going forward. Now that my head is out of the fog, I’m refocusing on some basic yet important things, and I have a list (of course):

1) Drink 2 liters of water a day – I actually set an hourly timer on my phone to remind me to drink. We’ll see how long that lasts. :/

2) Eat more fiber – daily chia pudding or overnight oats with fruit have been my latest obsession.

3) Write memoir – I’m still plugging away at this gargantuan project. The process isn’t pretty but it’s moving forward at sloth pace. What I’ve been doing to work on this could fill a whole post of it’s own, if I get around to it. No promises, but I’ll think about it.

4) Running – yeah, I haven’t been running, but I need to. It’s good for my health, my legs, my fatigue levels. And, I have a 10k in just under 7 weeks so I need to get my tail back in gear, pronto!

That’s it for today’s update. Thanks for tuning in and I’ll see you next time!

Disability, Domestic Engineer, Exercise, Faith, Family, Health, Hobbies, Running, Writing

Brain Dump – Winter Edition

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You guys. I’m neglecting this blog. I do apologize. I’ve been hiding. Hibernating a little. But still active! Just not feeling the urge to broadcast my life. I’m still making the super slow shift from “over-sharer” to “intentional storyteller”. Finding where I want to hold boundaries with my writing and the sharing of it with others.

Part of this hesitation with writing is that I am becoming more aware of the reasons I do things. Why do I write? Why do I blog? I’ve been blogging off and on for over 20 years, and I think for the majority of those years it was just to clear my head, share funny thoughts as they came. It was a great way to add some whimsy to my dull life working in offices and crunching numbers. It was FUN.

Until it wasn’t. When I became disabled in 2013, I considered dropping it altogether. Through a series of events and gentle Holy Spirit nudges, I felt called back to it. To share what I was going through as I adjusted to a new life. So I picked it back up and stayed with it happily until 2020, when the sh** hit the fan, as they say. My long term disability insurance representative had combed through my blog, my medical records, and notes from our phone calls, then twisted all my words and used them against me to cancel my monthly benefits.

I fought to regain those benefits and eventually won, but it took over a year. I was cautioned by my attorney to be careful what I put on social media, if anything at all. It was some time before I felt safe enough to return here, and I’m still a little gun-shy about everything I post.

All of that to say, I *want* to be here. I want to post updates on my life. I want to encourage others to never give up when life knocks you down. I’m just not super awesome at the consistency of it. But I’m working on it. I haven’t forgotten you!

So here’s a running update: I haven’t been doing any running because it’s cold and icy outside and I refuse to run in the basement on the treadmill. It’s depressing, okay? However, I’ve been keeping up with small daily exercises, thanks to an online group that helps keep me accountable. I have a 10k race I’m signed up for in mid-March, so I intend on picking back up with running after the holidays.

A Writing Update: I’ve been working a lot on my memoir, again. This time it feels like it’s actually going somewhere. I went down the rabbit hole of memoir training for a while there, but I did eventually land on a method that works for me and am excited to feel like I’m making real progress. Now that I have a structure and a plan, my intention going forward is to write 500 words per day. Yesterday was my first day and I wrote twice that amount, but I don’t expect that to be the norm. I almost finished a whole chapter and that was pretty exciting. I have a note above my desk that reminds me *not* to edit while writing, because I can’t be creative and critical at the same time. I joined a writing group that meets every weekday on Zoom, and I enjoy having that time and space to focus solely on the manuscript. I’ve only been going once a week so far, but if things slow down on the homefront I may try to join more often.

Other than that, I’m just blissfully busy with my husband and kids. Taking care of the home, preparing meals, keeping us all healthy. Super mundane stuff that we all take for granted, but that I am grateful to be able to do. What are you grateful for these days?

Bible Study Fellowship, Books, Coffee, Daily Snippets, Disability, Exercise, Faith, Family, Friends, Writing

Long and Rambling, perhaps

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Oh my word, friends. I joined a challenge to do 100 push ups every day in the month of May. My sister does these challenges with a Facebook group and they have always fascinated and tempted me, but this one grabbed me because she said you could do modified versions, and you could space them out in any increment, so I thought what the hell, let’s give it a shot! I have always had super weak arms and would love to get stronger so this is proving to be good motivation. We are eight days in and I have come to love the countertop pushup. It seems to be the perfect level of challenge for me. I can’t do the 100 all at once, but even in this short number of days, my endurance is already improving.

Today I decided to head back to the gym for some elliptical time and a full body circuit workout. The bonus? A hydromassage to finish it off. The hydromassage beds at Planet Fitness are 10 minutes of pure relaxation. My muscles are thanking me.

A short walk down the street and I’m parked at the coffee shop enjoying a large Americano. I was feeling so sluggish all morning and I think it was the lack of caffeine. I really had to push through that workout at the gym. It ain’t easy folks, but it’s worth it.

The interesting thing about this morning was that I was feeling really tired, but not fatigued. It was your classic – not enough sleep, not enough caffeine, wanna go back to bed – tired. I was feeling sluggish and borderline grumpy. It was refreshing in a weird way, to feel something like “normal”. Like how I used to feel sometimes on Monday mornings, heading into the office to work. A lifetime ago.

You could say I’m still working on accepting the loss of that life. It comes in bits and pieces. I am so grateful for where I am and how God has blessed me through disability. I am able to spend days like today at the coffee shop while my husband goes to work. But there are still parts of that life I long for. I’ll always long for independence. It’s just that these days it’s a muted longing, and I’m not nearly as angry about it as I used to be.

My desire to write more is coming back. A long time ago I was introduced to a memoir coach, Wendy Dale. She does paid coaching, but she also offers free coaching on YouTube videos. I had watched all the videos and was impressed with her knowledge. She was somehow able to deliver all this info in a simple and straightforward way. I was intrigued, and thought I was going to really get going at writing more, but life sort of pushed it to the side. I was more focused on my family and running than writing. And if I’m honest, that’s probably still true. Our son, our firstborn, is graduating from high school any minute now and will be off to college in the fall. You can imagine the mental load. Also, I’m working to get back into running, because I took too big of a break over the winter and my health and energy levels took that hit pretty hard. But back to Wendy. She recently published a book, “The Memoir Engineering System”, so of course I had to read it. It was all this lovely knowledge of hers, all compiled in one place. I purchased the Kindle version and devoured it in a few short days. It will be my guide book for when I am actually ready to write that book, but for now it’s all just rolling around in my head. You guys, I have so much rolling around in my head, you have no idea. Well, you have some idea because I like to ramble on here on the blog. I mean, that’s kinda what it’s here for. To help me declutter my mind. You’re welcome.

What else? I’m still reading a lot. Watching a lot of Criminal Minds reruns. Just finished up another year of BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). We studied the book of Revelation this year. In my 40 years as a Christ follower I had never read Revelation so I was a little apprehensive about it. It went well though. I had a great discussion group. Very diverse, and as my friend Cynthia noted at Share Day yesterday, full of alpha women. It was terrific. I don’t know how it is at other locations, but our BSF here in my city does a very good job at running this program. It’s always a safe space. Some days the passages we are reading are really difficult, and I have always loved that questions are welcomed and encouraged. We don’t always walk away with the answers – almost never, to be honest – but we walk away with a broader perspective and insight. I’ll miss my BSF ladies over the summer but I look forward to seeing them again in the fall!

I think that’s the bulk of my rambling updates, for now. My coffee needs my attention. Have a beautiful day, my friends.

Deep thoughts, Disability, Domestic Engineer, Dreams, Food, Health, Kids, Marriage, Multiple Sclerosis, Parenting, Running, Stories, Writing

Velvet Hammers

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This morning I was up with the kids getting ready for school, as usual. I even stayed up after they left and worked on some grocery lists for my husband to pick up later in the week. By 10 I was exhausted so I ate a small something and went back to bed. Slept a solid 2 hours. Well, I woke up part way through but was so groggy and my legs felt like cement, so I went back to sleep for a bit longer. I had a dream where I was in an office, chatting with a coworker. She was talking about having been journaling, and how it turned into a blog post. At my request, she shared her blog with me and then I told her how much I missed writing. It was an oddly normal interaction. Usually my dreams are much stranger.

It’s true though. I miss writing. I also miss working, but not in the way I used to. Not anymore with the delusions that I will someday be able to work. Especially not after this latest wave of fatigue. This one hit hard on a Wednesday, eight days before my infusion. Have you ever heard the term, “velvet hammer”? I remember hearing it when I was young. My dad used to use it in reference to the effects of Nyquil. It’s a soft but effective blow that knocks you on your feet and prevents you from getting up. That’s the way fatigue has been acting this past week. It hits, knocks me out for awhile, I sleep, I get up and do necessary things super slowly, and then it hits again. Thankfully it hasn’t been constant, but it’s frustratingly unpredictable. This is a reminder to myself that I cannot hold a job. I can’t be counted on for much. Every commitment is always a maybe with me. My family counts on me for food and clean towels, but not a whole lot more. They can see when I’m fatiguing and hold back on the requests. I’m thankful for that.

We hosted Easter dinner yesterday for my in-laws and I was so grateful to be able to have them in my home and to feed them a delicious meal, but I’m paying for it today. It’s the price of living life.

The thing is, I do recognize I have choices. I could choose to say no to all the social functions, and I sometimes do. I can say no to the dinners with friends and family, weekly prayer and Bible studies and then I would likely not have such debilitating fatigue. But I don’t want to miss out on living my life. I don’t want to miss out on interactions with my friends and family. So if this is the price I have to pay, so be it. I’ll ride this horrific roller coaster and suffer the lows to experience the highs.

An email came through this morning from an MS newsletter asking “what is your biggest hurdle?” Fatigue. Hands down, fatigue is my biggest hurdle. All the other damage MS has caused? Vision loss, hearing loss, cognitive dysfunction. I can deal with that, I can still find a way to be me. The fatigue, however, takes me out of my body and mind and leaves me a shell of who I was. Hate is a strong word but it applies here. I hate what fatigue takes away from me. The ability to do the things I want to do. Care for my family, laugh with my friends, write for my soul. It’s as if I’m in a waking coma. When I was super sick in 2013 and sleeping 20 hours a day? It didn’t really bother me because I wasn’t conscious. It was everyone around me whose hearts were breaking. But with fatigue, I am fully aware that life is happening all around me, and I’m unable to be a part of it. That’s hard, folks.

I realize this post is dark. It definitely took a turn, and I don’t want to bring you down. But this is my blog, after all, so if you can’t deal, feel free to move along. It’s fine. I won’t be hurt. I think I’m just trying to get back to authentic writing and this felt like something worth sharing. From journal to blog. Weird, I know, but it worked for the lady in my dream. The whole point of my blog is to give you a glimpse of my life with M.S. (and running, which is kind of still happening, more on that another time) and the real truth is that I have bad days but I also have good days, and I’ll try to keep talking about both. MS has altered my life 180 degrees from where I thought it would be, but I’ve been able to find joy and strength in so many unexpected ways. So stay tuned, if you dare, and I hope to share more of those things too. Soon. But for now, I might go back for nap #2…

Anxiety, Books, Disability, Health, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Stories

Moving Forward

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It’s day three of this debilitating fatigue, and I’ve been managing okay. I’m doing the bare minimum, the most essential tasks. It is strange timing, because my monthly infusion was last Friday. My energy levels should be going up, not down. There’s a little bit of hope on the horizon however. I talked to my therapist yesterday and I think we uncovered some of the factors that could be contributing to this.

Factor #1: we are having a string of below freezing temperatures here in Michigan. I’m wearing multiple layers in the house just to stay comfortable, but I think it still zaps me of energy.

Factor #2: I’ve not been running or otherwise exercising regularly for awhile. That was intentional, after I declared it hibernation season for myself.

Factor #3: I wasn’t taking my medicine and vitamins over the Christmas break. I had no routine so I had just sort of forgotten about it. None of these meds are super crucial, and I often miss a day here and there with no issue. But a whole two weeks or more? I guess it caught up to me. So I’m back on that wagon as of yesterday, and hopefully my energy comes back to functional levels. One of the prescriptions I take is Vitamin D2, which is super important for us with MS, and especially during these winter months when sunlight is in short supply, So it was a rookie move for me to not be taking that. Slap on the wrist, won’t let it happen again. Moving on!

I got some good news recently, and that’s that I was approved for O&M training through the State of Michigan. Orientation and mobility training is something I didn’t know much about until I started looking more into using a white cane in public and unfamiliar environments. Because as I may have mentioned before, in new spaces I get *super* freaked out not being able to see and recognize what’s around me. I get so fearful it’s like my physical and mental world just shrink so that I’m in this invisible bubble. I walk slowly, staring at the ground, looking up every few steps to study my immediate surroundings. It’s a very lonely feeling. I hide it well, I think, but I got tired of feeling that anxiety. Even worse, I think I avoid going out in the world in order to avoid it, and I’m tired of that too. So after meeting with a coordinator from the State I am really hopeful that this program can help me. I think I’ve become so accustomed to the struggle, and I’m looking forward to learning how I can manage better and feel more confident out in public. Yay for me being my own advocate, right? This was a very difficult decision to make, to be sure.

That is all for now, folks. I do have some book reports rolling around in my head that I hope to get hammered out in the next couple of days (weeks?) but we’ll see. Until then, stay warm my friends.



Coffee, Daily Snippets, Disability, Exercise, Faith, God speaks, Multiple Sclerosis, Prayer, Writing

Habit Reset

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Hey! We are officially on Christmas break! That means I can sleep in a little. Sleeping in was a lot more fun when I was younger. These days I tend to still wake up fairly early, and in pain so that staying in bed is not enjoyable. So I get up, make my coffee, get my mental work done, and then, depending on how I’m feeling, go back to bed for a morning nap.

I had a good morning at church today. God and I are working on some things. He’s tugging at my heart and helping me to let go of some of my idols. Getting back into a healthier routine. Every day is an opportunity for a fresh start. Today was that for me. A reset, for sure. My fluctuating hormones and energy levels have really made it hard for me to feel balanced, and I think that by getting back to some basic daily routines, I will start to feel more steady.

The routines I’m trying to work back into my daily life include drinking 64 ounces of water, reading, spending time in prayer and Bible study, and exercise. The idols I’m working to eliminate are binge watching television and the coloring app on my phone (which has since been removed… again.). These two things are not only big time sucks, but they aren’t great for my mental health and clarity. They’ve got to go.

Daily exercise may be my biggest challenge. I don’t have much energy these days, so it’s a matter of talking myself into it. Every day. The vicious cycle is that the less I exercise, the more my energy levels drop, and the more my energy drops, the less likely I am to exercise. So I just need to resolve to do it. And that is starting tomorrow.

I also want to get my writing mojo back; I miss it. I am journaling daily, so I am still writing. I don’t think that will ever change with me. I’ve journaled since I could hold a crayon. But part of getting that mojo back is why I’m posting more here, even if it’s mindless drivel. I’m hoping to write more content that I can be excited about. Writing wakes up parts of my soul that have gone dormant, but it takes a bit of work sometimes to chip away at the crusty covered up parts.

So that is what I’ve been hammering out today, new habits. Writing, reading, hydrating, praying, studying, and exercising. Hoping for the start of a new phase. I’m getting really bored of the current one. So here’s to new days and new habits. Until next time, shalom!

Bible Study Fellowship, Cochlear implant, Daily Snippets, Disability, Friends, Kids, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Visually Impaired

Daily Post #7 – December 11, 2024

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It’s bedtime, folks, and I almost forgot to post! My head is all squirrely today. Trying to set up new phone and learn necessary features is such fun. I mean, not really. It’s exhausting, but I’m getting there. I had some trouble last night getting it properly connected to my cochlear implants via Bluetooth, but I handed it over to my daughter and she was able to get it working. Teenagers, you gotta love ’em!

Today was a fun day filled with great conversation with beautiful people. First, at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and then later with two of my besties. Three days in a row spending time with awesome women. I am feeling super blessed this week.

Tomorrow and Friday the plan is to wind down and regroup. I have an early morning online meeting with someone from the kids’ school – nothing major, just some routine business to take care of. Hopefully it will be quick and painless lol I had thought about going to the gym afterwards but I decided to postpone that for Friday or Saturday because not being home much for three days in a row leaves me wondering what is needing my attention. The kitchen, fridge, our personal finances. All of it needs some TLC so that’s what I’m looking at. I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading all about that after the fact, right?

I’m enjoying these quick daily updates. One thing I should mention before I go – just to keep it M.S. related for all those who may be curious – setting up this new phone, finding all the features, reading the screen, etc. is utterly exhausting on my eyes. It’s legit work, for real. I find I need to take super frequent breaks to rest my eyes. When they start acting all stabby and bouncing around, I know I’ve overdone it. It’s slow work, and I’m really trying hard to stay thankful that I still have some vision and it’s remained stable all these years.

And that is all, I’ll let you go now. Sleep well, my friends!

Anxiety, Daily Snippets, Disability, Driving, Food, Kids, Low vision, Marriage, Multiple Sclerosis

Daily Post #1

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I decided this morning that I want to do a daily post and see how long I can keep it up. Just a recap, no editing or fussing over wording or details, just stream of consciousness, talk about my day, and call it good.

So, day 1 here, December 5, 2024 started off around midnight, 1 am, waking up with a migraine. I took various pain medications throughout the night and eventually it was calmed enough to let me sleep. Hubby putting pressure on my forehead and holding my hand didn’t hurt either. I tend to get very panicky when I get these migraines, so if nothing else his gentle presence kept me from spiraling into a panic attack.

When I woke up in the morning (kids had a snow day so I was able to sleep in a little) I still had the shadow of the migraine so I took a 600 mg Motrin so that I could be comfortable for my infusion later in the morning. I had also had night sweats, which I found interesting. I haven’t had a migraine or night sweats in some time so it makes me wonder why they made a reappearance on the same night. Oh well. Onward.

I got my infusion and had zero issues with the IV – yay! – so that was a relief. I had some issues with my pickup ride running late due to the roads, but the ride home went fine and I survived it all. I’ve been having frustrations with Spec-tran because they are short on drivers and the people scheduling their routes clearly don’t know how to read a map, so getting anywhere on time can be a gamble. I’m still so thankful for that service, but I also still really miss being able to drive myself places.

This next update is long, so settle in:
About a month or so ago I met with a woman from Michigan’s Bureau of Services for Blind People (BSBP) to talk about training for using a white cane, and various other O&M (orientation and mobility) training. This is new information, y’all. I’ve considered using a white cane, off and on, for as long as I’ve had low vision, and I just decided it was finally time. The majority of the time I’m out and about I do fine, but there are the handful of times where I’m out in public, in unfamiliar places, and I feel completely unsafe. Super anxious. And when I realized how much anxiety I was feeling so often, I determined that maybe I could do something about it. I’ll be honest, I was absolutely conflicted about the idea of using a cane, because it can draw a certain attention to myself (mainly fawning, which I loathe), but in the end, after much prayer and pondering, I decided to take that step. So I met with a woman from the BSBP and we are working on getting me approved for services. After talking with her for a good length of time, I was so encouraged at all the ways they can help. Ways that I didn’t even realize I could use the help. Ways I’ve adapted over time, muscled my way through, and now I’m just tired. So tired.

I have a white cane that a friend gave me to use several years ago. She is blind herself and this was one she no longer used. We are around the same height so she figured it would suit me well. And it absolutely does, but I still need proper training. I did watch some YouTube videos to learn what I could, and I’m comfortable using it, but I know training is still needed in order to get the most benefit out of it.

You guys, it’s a game changer! I took it with me on a women’s retreat and used it while we were shopping in downtown Saugatuck. Outdoor walking, lots of cracks and bumps on the sidewalk. But with the cane informing me of what was to come, I was able to walk with my head up, not staring down just past my feet. I was even able to engage in conversation with the other women and that was probably my favorite part.

I had to make it fun, so I named the cane. Casey. Casey Cane. And she is now my companion for special outings. I take her to the gym with me and she is very useful for riding the bus. When I’m holding Casey, the bus driver doesn’t rush to leave. They actually wait until I’m seated before they start moving the bus again. It’s wonderful!

Another benefit to having Casey is that when walking in crowded areas, people aren’t expecting me to get out of their way if they are walking towards me. I’ve been in busy areas before where people nearly plowed through me, and it’s quite scary because I really can’t see them coming until they are very close.

The problem with my disability is that I look completely fine to strangers. In society, we have unspoken expectations on others. So it helps that they can see Casey and know that it means I can’t see well and likely need more space and time. I have said before it would be so much easier if I just had a sign on my shirt that says, “Deaf/Blind” much like the running vest I wear. So rather than wear a bright orange Deaf/Blind vest on outings, I’m going with something a little less obnoxious, a white cane.

Oh, and the best part? ZERO people have made a fuss over it. No fawning, whatsoever. They just carry on like it’s been there all along. I absolutely love it.

Since this is just a daily recap, I’ll finish off with the dish I prepared for dinner. Chicken and broccoli alfredo. I used a rotisserie chicken, and it was my first time breaking down a chicken, so I was pretty nervous about that. Since I couldn’t really see what I was doing it was all done by feel. I felt like I did okay, but one of my husband’s first bites was a piece of gristle or bone or something. Ack! That just ruins the whole dish you know? But my portion was tasty, so hopefully that was the only piece I missed. I made the alfredo sauce from scratch because it’s super easy, and storebought alfredo is crap. Overall I thought it was a yummy dish, and my son agreed, so I’ll keep the recipe for a repeat down the road and hopefully I can do better with the chicken next time. I put notes on how it went in my recipe app (Plan to Eat), because I know I’ll forget this information.

And that’s all for my recap. I’m pretty spent from the day and looking forward to tomorrow. I have to get some lab work done because they ordered the wrong test on a crucial item last time. But I’ll leave you there because I can talk about that in tomorrow’s daily update. How about that? Good night, and we’ll talk tomorrow!

Anxiety, Disability, Exercise, Low vision, Multiple Sclerosis, Partial Blindness, Visually Impaired

Good Day

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Some days we get to feel like we are winning. Not that there’s any type of contest, or reward for this “winning”. I mean the kind of day where you know you’ll be going to bed pleased that you were able to accomplish what you set out to do.

Today sort of feels like that, and I’m rereading that statement above and cringing at how pretentious it sounds. All I’m really trying to say is I’m proud of myself. And I don’t always feel that way, so it feels worth mentioning. Today I went to the gym and tried the 30 minute circuit that I had been wanting to try but had been too self-conscious to do. I was just nervous that i wouldn’t be able to see the numbers or instructions and that people would see me fumbling around or staring so long at the signs and would laugh at me. But I did it anyway! And it seems I started a trend because when I entered the room, I was alone. By the time I finished the circuit, several more people had joined in. When you finally do something that you had been avoiding for so long for fear of being laughed at, it’s a pretty incredible feeling of accomplishment. To be bold and confident when you don’t normally perceive yourself that way? Definitely feels like winning. The feeling is the reward.

Also, and this will hopefully be addressed in a later post, I traveled with my white cane today and I have to make an observation. The city bus drivers are a lot more patient with you when they know you have a disability. I found that when I have the white cane out in sight, they actually wait for me to be seated before they start moving again. I definitely appreciate that. I have so much more to say about this topic but the story is still working itself out, so it will be awhile before I can fully report on it. Stay tuned for that!

Books, Coffee, Disability, Domestic Engineer, Exercise, Faith, Family, Food, Friends, God speaks, Health, Kids, Marriage, Stories

My very brief “75 Hard” journey and what I learned

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I don’t know if any of you have heard of “75 Hard” but it’s this bazonkers challenge that some guy made up a few years ago, and it seems to have quite the following.

The challenge is this: For 75 consecutive days you must complete the following tasks:
1) Drink one gallon of water
2) Follow a diet of your choosing, no cheat days!
3) Read 10 pages of a nonfiction book
4) Complete two non-consecutive 45-minute workouts, 1 of which must be outdoors
5) Take a progress picture

If you miss any of the tasks even once, you have to start all over again on Day One. Oof.

A good friend of mine completed this challenge a couple years ago, and she is now working the challenge once again. When she did it the first time, I seriously gave it some thought but never did anything with it. This second time I felt compelled to hop on and give it a shot.

Now a couple of these things were easy for me. I have been intermittent fasting since March of 2023 so following a diet wasn’t a big deal. I would just be more intentional about sticking with my chosen eating and fasting “windows”. No problem.

Reading 10 pages of nonfiction? I’m a huge reader, and 90% of what I enjoy reading is nonfiction. Again, no problem.

Taking a progress picture is a simple enough task, and thankfully no one would have to see it but me, so the trick was just to remember to do it. Easy peasy.

It’s the gallon of water and 2 daily exercises that were the real challenge for me. I don’t mind drinking water, but I prefer coffee, and that doesn’t count. So I just had to be intentional about sipping from and refilling my water bottle throughout the day. I even bought myself a larger bottle (half gallon) so I would only need to refill once during the day. However, since I had just been coming off training for the Sleeping Bear half marathon, I was already in the habit of daily hydrating so this wasn’t a huge deal.

For the exercising I was doing an outdoor walk and indoor Fitbod workout each day. That was going very well, and with all the water I was drinking, my muscles were recovering well every day. I would feel a bit of soreness but it never stuck around for long. I was feeling really good!

Y’all, I lasted 8 days. That 9th day I had a super busy day morning to night. Doctor appointment for me, orthodontist for both kids, and having to use paratransit to get everywhere means every trip takes awhile and has zero flexibility. But that wasn’t what killed the challenge for me. I had been out of town the weekend prior and the day before I came back, my husband left for a 3 day work trip. So on that bonkers day with all the appointments, that evening I just wanted to spend time with my husband. I had to make a decision – stay home and complete my workouts (because all the appointments prevented me from getting them done earlier) or ride with my husband to take our daughter to her horse riding lesson. I chose the latter, ending my 75 Hard challenge streak, and I have no regrets.

I may try again some other time, but I don’t know. I strongly felt like God had been leading me to that challenge, so I had to really ponder why. I think He was trying to show me how much my daily life had been lacking in discipline. And while 75 Hard was very much an all or nothing thing, installing discipline into your life doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to be intentional. So now I’ve been thinking a lot more about how I can maintain that intentionality but in a way that fits with my impairments and my daily life. I’m being humbled here. I need to cut out a lot of things in my life for awhile that were distracting me. I would spend hours on Facebook or Netflix or the stupid coloring app on my phone, and before I knew it, I had lost most of the day. Since I’m not working, I don’t have anyone telling me what or when things need to be done. I am the boss of my life, and I had been doing a shoddy job of it.

So I decided to make my own list:
1) Read 10 pages of a book
2) Exercise for 30 minutes
3) Drink a half gallon of water
4) Pray/study the Bible for 30 minutes
5) Write for 30 minutes

The times listed are just minimums of course. I just list them that way so I have measurable goals. I found a habit tracking app so I can keep the list in front of me and check things off as I go. It will be satisfying to see streaks of habits, but I’m allowing myself the ability to skip days if necessary. Some days my body and mind need rest, and I’m going to honor that. But I’m working really hard to not slip back into bad habits. While binging on Netflix seems like it would be restful, it’s really not. And it’s discouraging when you come off of a session of 6 episodes of Reba and realize you’ve lost your whole day, and you still need to put away that laundry you washed last Tuesday, and you have no idea what you are going to feed your people for dinner.

So yeah. I’m working on some healthy habits. I was gonna say “new” healthy habits, but then caught myself. These are not new. I’m working on some healthy habits – again. And I should say, it feels pretty damn good.

Moving forward!