It’s day three of this debilitating fatigue, and I’ve been managing okay. I’m doing the bare minimum, the most essential tasks. It is strange timing, because my monthly infusion was last Friday. My energy levels should be going up, not down. There’s a little bit of hope on the horizon however. I talked to my therapist yesterday and I think we uncovered some of the factors that could be contributing to this.
Factor #1: we are having a string of below freezing temperatures here in Michigan. I’m wearing multiple layers in the house just to stay comfortable, but I think it still zaps me of energy.
Factor #2: I’ve not been running or otherwise exercising regularly for awhile. That was intentional, after I declared it hibernation season for myself.
Factor #3: I wasn’t taking my medicine and vitamins over the Christmas break. I had no routine so I had just sort of forgotten about it. None of these meds are super crucial, and I often miss a day here and there with no issue. But a whole two weeks or more? I guess it caught up to me. So I’m back on that wagon as of yesterday, and hopefully my energy comes back to functional levels. One of the prescriptions I take is Vitamin D2, which is super important for us with MS, and especially during these winter months when sunlight is in short supply, So it was a rookie move for me to not be taking that. Slap on the wrist, won’t let it happen again. Moving on!
I got some good news recently, and that’s that I was approved for O&M training through the State of Michigan. Orientation and mobility training is something I didn’t know much about until I started looking more into using a white cane in public and unfamiliar environments. Because as I may have mentioned before, in new spaces I get *super* freaked out not being able to see and recognize what’s around me. I get so fearful it’s like my physical and mental world just shrink so that I’m in this invisible bubble. I walk slowly, staring at the ground, looking up every few steps to study my immediate surroundings. It’s a very lonely feeling. I hide it well, I think, but I got tired of feeling that anxiety. Even worse, I think I avoid going out in the world in order to avoid it, and I’m tired of that too. So after meeting with a coordinator from the State I am really hopeful that this program can help me. I think I’ve become so accustomed to the struggle, and I’m looking forward to learning how I can manage better and feel more confident out in public. Yay for me being my own advocate, right? This was a very difficult decision to make, to be sure.
That is all for now, folks. I do have some book reports rolling around in my head that I hope to get hammered out in the next couple of days (weeks?) but we’ll see. Until then, stay warm my friends.
I decided this morning that I want to do a daily post and see how long I can keep it up. Just a recap, no editing or fussing over wording or details, just stream of consciousness, talk about my day, and call it good.
So, day 1 here, December 5, 2024 started off around midnight, 1 am, waking up with a migraine. I took various pain medications throughout the night and eventually it was calmed enough to let me sleep. Hubby putting pressure on my forehead and holding my hand didn’t hurt either. I tend to get very panicky when I get these migraines, so if nothing else his gentle presence kept me from spiraling into a panic attack.
When I woke up in the morning (kids had a snow day so I was able to sleep in a little) I still had the shadow of the migraine so I took a 600 mg Motrin so that I could be comfortable for my infusion later in the morning. I had also had night sweats, which I found interesting. I haven’t had a migraine or night sweats in some time so it makes me wonder why they made a reappearance on the same night. Oh well. Onward.
I got my infusion and had zero issues with the IV – yay! – so that was a relief. I had some issues with my pickup ride running late due to the roads, but the ride home went fine and I survived it all. I’ve been having frustrations with Spec-tran because they are short on drivers and the people scheduling their routes clearly don’t know how to read a map, so getting anywhere on time can be a gamble. I’m still so thankful for that service, but I also still really miss being able to drive myself places.
This next update is long, so settle in: About a month or so ago I met with a woman from Michigan’s Bureau of Services for Blind People (BSBP) to talk about training for using a white cane, and various other O&M (orientation and mobility) training. This is new information, y’all. I’ve considered using a white cane, off and on, for as long as I’ve had low vision, and I just decided it was finally time. The majority of the time I’m out and about I do fine, but there are the handful of times where I’m out in public, in unfamiliar places, and I feel completely unsafe. Super anxious. And when I realized how much anxiety I was feeling so often, I determined that maybe I could do something about it. I’ll be honest, I was absolutely conflicted about the idea of using a cane, because it can draw a certain attention to myself (mainly fawning, which I loathe), but in the end, after much prayer and pondering, I decided to take that step. So I met with a woman from the BSBP and we are working on getting me approved for services. After talking with her for a good length of time, I was so encouraged at all the ways they can help. Ways that I didn’t even realize I could use the help. Ways I’ve adapted over time, muscled my way through, and now I’m just tired. So tired.
I have a white cane that a friend gave me to use several years ago. She is blind herself and this was one she no longer used. We are around the same height so she figured it would suit me well. And it absolutely does, but I still need proper training. I did watch some YouTube videos to learn what I could, and I’m comfortable using it, but I know training is still needed in order to get the most benefit out of it.
You guys, it’s a game changer! I took it with me on a women’s retreat and used it while we were shopping in downtown Saugatuck. Outdoor walking, lots of cracks and bumps on the sidewalk. But with the cane informing me of what was to come, I was able to walk with my head up, not staring down just past my feet. I was even able to engage in conversation with the other women and that was probably my favorite part.
I had to make it fun, so I named the cane. Casey. Casey Cane. And she is now my companion for special outings. I take her to the gym with me and she is very useful for riding the bus. When I’m holding Casey, the bus driver doesn’t rush to leave. They actually wait until I’m seated before they start moving the bus again. It’s wonderful!
Another benefit to having Casey is that when walking in crowded areas, people aren’t expecting me to get out of their way if they are walking towards me. I’ve been in busy areas before where people nearly plowed through me, and it’s quite scary because I really can’t see them coming until they are very close.
The problem with my disability is that I look completely fine to strangers. In society, we have unspoken expectations on others. So it helps that they can see Casey and know that it means I can’t see well and likely need more space and time. I have said before it would be so much easier if I just had a sign on my shirt that says, “Deaf/Blind” much like the running vest I wear. So rather than wear a bright orange Deaf/Blind vest on outings, I’m going with something a little less obnoxious, a white cane.
Oh, and the best part? ZERO people have made a fuss over it. No fawning, whatsoever. They just carry on like it’s been there all along. I absolutely love it.
Since this is just a daily recap, I’ll finish off with the dish I prepared for dinner. Chicken and broccoli alfredo. I used a rotisserie chicken, and it was my first time breaking down a chicken, so I was pretty nervous about that. Since I couldn’t really see what I was doing it was all done by feel. I felt like I did okay, but one of my husband’s first bites was a piece of gristle or bone or something. Ack! That just ruins the whole dish you know? But my portion was tasty, so hopefully that was the only piece I missed. I made the alfredo sauce from scratch because it’s super easy, and storebought alfredo is crap. Overall I thought it was a yummy dish, and my son agreed, so I’ll keep the recipe for a repeat down the road and hopefully I can do better with the chicken next time. I put notes on how it went in my recipe app (Plan to Eat), because I know I’ll forget this information.
And that’s all for my recap. I’m pretty spent from the day and looking forward to tomorrow. I have to get some lab work done because they ordered the wrong test on a crucial item last time. But I’ll leave you there because I can talk about that in tomorrow’s daily update. How about that? Good night, and we’ll talk tomorrow!
Some days we get to feel like we are winning. Not that there’s any type of contest, or reward for this “winning”. I mean the kind of day where you know you’ll be going to bed pleased that you were able to accomplish what you set out to do.
Today sort of feels like that, and I’m rereading that statement above and cringing at how pretentious it sounds. All I’m really trying to say is I’m proud of myself. And I don’t always feel that way, so it feels worth mentioning. Today I went to the gym and tried the 30 minute circuit that I had been wanting to try but had been too self-conscious to do. I was just nervous that i wouldn’t be able to see the numbers or instructions and that people would see me fumbling around or staring so long at the signs and would laugh at me. But I did it anyway! And it seems I started a trend because when I entered the room, I was alone. By the time I finished the circuit, several more people had joined in. When you finally do something that you had been avoiding for so long for fear of being laughed at, it’s a pretty incredible feeling of accomplishment. To be bold and confident when you don’t normally perceive yourself that way? Definitely feels like winning. The feeling is the reward.
Also, and this will hopefully be addressed in a later post, I traveled with my white cane today and I have to make an observation. The city bus drivers are a lot more patient with you when they know you have a disability. I found that when I have the white cane out in sight, they actually wait for me to be seated before they start moving again. I definitely appreciate that. I have so much more to say about this topic but the story is still working itself out, so it will be awhile before I can fully report on it. Stay tuned for that!
I made a note awhile back to write this post but felt stuck and left it hanging. I’ve been struggling to find my groove with writing lately. Today being the first of June, I set a goal for myself to write at least 30 minutes and run at least 2 miles a day for the entire month. Y’all, there are so many parallels between writing and running, it’s uncanny. Warming up is crucial to both. I haven’t run yet today, but I did some writing, and in the practice of writing I already feel like I’m finding my “voice” again.
Anyway, back to the subject of this post, needing a new driver. Let me explain. Healing from CPTSD has been an amazing and difficult journey, and I am so grateful to be on the other side of it. HOWEVER, it came with some downsides. I believe my constant level of anxiety was the reason I did the things I did every day. The anxiety is why I had my routines. It’s why I couldn’t leave the laundry unfolded for too long, it’s why I had to plan the meals. My routines were driven by my anxiety.
With anxiety no longer driving the car, my routines were off-roading. Wee!! It was kind of fun for awhile, liberating even. But now I’m sort of getting back to reality and realizing I need some level of routine. Because I don’t live alone, and people count on me. So if anxiety isn’t driving the routines, what is? That’s a really good question, and I think the answer had to come after a lot of soul searching. I realized that I really like having a clean home. It feels very satisfying to have laundry and dishes that are not only clean, but put away. I am able to relax when we have food in the kitchen and I have a plan for meals I can feed my family. Having this order in my home gives me a really peaceful feeling. So I’ve been reintroducing my routines bit by bit, but only after making sure it’s because I want them there, and they make sense.
This change may not be noticeable to anyone else. On the outside it looks the same to my family. The difference now is that when I have my fatigue days and can’t keep up with my routines, I am able to say to myself, “just rest, that can wait.” Or better yet, I can ask my family members to help. I don’t feel that shame and guilt that I did before. I am able to have grace for myself and this body I live in. It’s a *wonderful* thing.
This is a matter of self-care, which the culture talks a lot about and I sort of cringe at, but I do agree you need to take care of yourself first. Well, second. Jesus first, then take care of you. I am better able to take care of family now because I take care of my needs first. Only now I feel like I’m doing that because I want to, not because some invisible force told me I should. My stepmom used to say “don’t should on yourself”, and I love that saying. “Should” is a terrible driver. You may be getting things done that way, but you do it with the added baggage of guilt and shame. Find a new driver, one who gives you grace and patience. You might find, as I did, that the new driver looks a lot like you!
Let’s shake it up and start with the stats. This week I traveled a total of 9.51 miles on my feet and my banked marathon training miles are up to 499.2. If I had just gone for another short walk or run I could have hit 500! Oh well. This week.
So I had leg day at the gym on Sunday with my daughter. She’s been joining me at the gym, which has been a nice change. On weekdays we go after she gets home from school, so we have to walk to the bus stop to take the public bus. Unless we feel like walking the 2.5 miles, which on Tuesday we did not. So I counted the distance walking to and from the bus stop (0.7 mile each way) in my weekly miles because, hey, I used my legs so I figure it counts. If you disagree you can take it up with the manager. We were planning to go again to the gym on Thursday, but it was raining and neither of us felt like walking in that, so we skipped that day.
I’ve been doing my long runs on Saturday, but I had planned on volunteering for a local race Saturday morning. Sunday we had plans with family, so I knew that wasn’t going to be an option. So, I made sure to get my long run of 6 miles in on Friday instead. The weather has been cooling down here in Michigan, finally, so I was able to get my run done in the late afternoon, just before dinner time. It was a tad warm, but nothing like the hot summer days. I don’t miss those one bit. I loved this 6 mile run. I keep saying this, but I felt strong. Fast, even. And when I saw my overall average pace at the end, I realized it wasn’t just an illusion. I was speedy, relatively speaking. I’m not fast compared to a lot of other runners, but this was definitely the fastest I’ve been since I first started running. And the best part is that I wasn’t struggling to breathe, my knees weren’t screaming at me, nothing. Zero issues. I was rocking that sexy pace, Martinus!
I am super excited about this race. The taper has been really nice because I feel like it’s also freed up my brain and spirit to start really engaging more with life around me. To really relax body and soul instead of feeling like a running zombie. It’s still a little weird because you feel like if you’re not running, you are possibly losing fitness, but I know that’s not the case. Millions have gone before me in this endeavor and they swear by the taper. So I’m trusting the process. I’ll do some light running this week, maybe some easy strength exercises, and then Saturday we’ll head to the race Expo to pick up my packet. We’ll hopefully meet up with my cousin Zack, who is my guide runner for this race. We were never able to meet up for a training run together but we’ve talked through everything and I’m sure we’ll do just fine. Once I’m home from the Expo I’ll pack all my stuff, lay out Flat Marathon Mel with my clothes and bib so I can start the visualizing – I’ll take a picture to share with y’all – and then I’ll start the sleepless night before the big day!
Would you like to know what’s on my packing list? In no particular order, this is what I bring for a long race (don’t let anyone tell you running is a low maintenance sport, they are either lying or in denial):
Garmin watch
Cell phone
Arm sleeves (look ridiculous but actually quite useful)
Knee strap
Bandana
Hydration vest
Running belt
Clif Bloks (salted watermelon)
Gu Roctane energy gel (sea salt chocolate)
Protein bar (brand undecided but probably Clif)
Hat
Deaf Blind safety vest
Guide vest for Zack
Contact lenses
Shoes (duh)
Socks
Sport bra
Shorts (or pants depending on the forecast)
Tank top (unless it’s below 40 degrees Fahrenheit I’m wearing a tank. The pits need to breathe)
Deodorant
Gold Bond Friction Defense (to prevent inevitable chafing)
I’m a list gal, tried and true. This list may look long and overwhelming, but it actually puts my mind at ease, because this is how I reassure myself I’m not forgetting anything. I loathe being unprepared. I just get so much anxiety thinking what I would possibly do if I went somewhere without the things I “need”. Yes, I’m addressing this with my therapist. It’s fine. I’m fine, everything’s fine!
In 7 days I’m going to be running another f**king marathon!! And it’s going to be amazing and I’m going to have so much fun. And when I cross that finish line I’ll get that medal and my family will be there to shower me with hugs and donuts (wink wink). Stay tuned, folks! It’s gettin’ real!
So. I ran another half marathon. This is the one I was training with a friend for, only she was not able to run the race due to a foot injury. However, she was sending me cheers from home throughout the race and was surely with me in spirit! Also, the race went as well as could be expected. Would you like to hear all about it? Grab a tasty beverage and sit back.
This particular race, Bayshore, has been kind of a dream of mine ever since I heard of its existence. The race offers 3 distances, the 10k (which I ran last year), the half marathon, and the full marathon. The races are located in Traverse City, Michigan, where my dad’s family essentially called home for many years. The small city is located in northern Michigan and is home to the Old Mission Peninsula, which is flanked by the Grand Traverse Bay. My grandfather owned property on the peninsula, on the West Bay, and my cousins and I spent a week every summer there. We have so many great childhood memories from our time “up north”. We ate cherries, we hiked, we swam, we strolled along the shore searching for Petoskey stones. My husband and I honeymooned at the cottage, sharing my childhood memories and making new ones. We’ve had family reunions there. My paternal grandparents are both now buried on the peninsula. The property my grandfather owned was eventually sold and the cottage is now gone, but a big piece of my heart still lives on Old Mission. So when I learned there was a race that actually allows you to run all over the peninsula? Sign me up! I ran the 10k last year, which was satisfying but slightly disappointing because only a small portion of the race I felt like I was ON the peninsula. The half marathon distance starts at the north end of the peninsula and follows the coastline of the east bay all the way south into town. This was the race for me.
Now I want you to understand that racing for me is terrifying at moments. Not being able to see the start from far away, being unfamiliar with the terrain. It’s not like home where I’ve memorized the potholes and cracks in the roads and sidewalks. My anxiety for this race began building several days before the race. But standing in the chute among all the other runners was somewhat calming. I was finally here. And I had trained for this, I was ready to go. Until I realized I was standing near the wrong pace group, among runners way faster than me. Not to worry, I simply shuffled back until I found my people. As I stood there waiting I checked my phone and realized I had lost my Bluetooth connection to my cochlear implants. It’s a good thing because reconnecting involves taking off my hat in order to remove my left cochlear implant, remove the battery, replace the battery to make it “discoverable”, put it back on my ear, put the hat back on, etc. So I’m glad I had that time to make sure I was connected. I rely on my music playlist to keep me going throughout these long runs.
Once I was situated and connected I got back to bouncing around to keep my legs warm and as I’m bouncing I realize there’s a strange stillness all around me. It occurs to me that everyone is looking in the same direction, some with hands on their hearts. Ah! It must be the National Anthem playing. I hope I didn’t do anything disruptive or disrespectful. It wouldn’t be the first time. No worries, carry on Mel.
I wish I could remember more of the details of this race, but I’ll share with you what I do remember. Coming up the first hill, I marveled at the vineyards stretched out on each side of me, and the East Grand Traverse Bay glistening in the morning sun ahead. The road leading me forward, filled with runners. I don’t want to forget that moment. Or later, coming around a curve to an open expanse, my view filled with brilliant blue water on my left and lush green evergreens on my right. I thought about taking a picture there because it was so freaking gorgeous but it wouldn’t have done it any justice, and it would have taken away from my enjoyment of it. I would have wasted the moment fiddling with my phone, most likely unsuccessful anyway.
I continued running, soaking in the atmosphere and the majestic scenery. All the anxiety had disappeared. I was thanking God for this experience. It was incredible. I felt strong. I was at peace. It wasn’t until I was about 6 miles into the race, that I started to really feel the burn and the soreness of my legs. I still felt strong, and my legs were moving well. That’s also about the time I started to see more and more spectators. Kids giving high fives, dogs wondering why all these people are running in the street. Posters lovingly prepared: DIG DEEP – a POWER button – WORST PARADE EVER. I love these races. You think making a poster and standing at the side of the road isn’t a big deal, but it IS. Without the spectators, it’s just a grueling training run. We NEED these people.
Around the 8th mile I was starting to really struggle because the weather had warmed up quite a bit. I decided to take my shirt off during my next walk break but with the deaf/blind vest and the sweat sticking to my shirt, it took longer than I anticipated. So by the time I got reset I was running through an aid station with a gang of onlookers to my comically awkward process. It didn’t matter. There’s no shame among runners, and these people understand and have likely seen it all. In fact, later in the race I was passed by a woman carrying her shoes, running in her socks to the next aid station. You do what you have to do. So it was a bit of a chore to get that shirt off but it was so worth it to lower my temperature a few degrees. It gave me the rejuvenation I needed to keep going.
The last few miles of the race honestly felt like drudgery and I just wanted to be done but those spectators kept me going! The runners were still moving ahead of me and I just kept reminding myself what I came for, and that was to complete this race. And I did! I finished! I set a new personal record for myself, and I did not fall. Though after the finish I was struggling to walk. My left foot knew we had crossed the finish line and just refused to lift, so I hobbled along the fence line until I saw my husband and kids walking up, all smiles. They escorted me to the recovery area and found me a chair and some ice cream. It was an incredible moment, getting to share this accomplishment with my three favorite people in the world. I tear up just reliving it.
This was such a great race. It was so difficult, but I have to accept that reality because I’m signed up to run my 2nd full marathon in October. Yes, yes I did. I swore I wouldn’t run another one but it turns out I lied. I’m glad I already committed to the marathon, because I think I would have chickened out after this race. It was a sobering reminder of how difficult and painful it is to run a lot of miles, but it was also a good reminder of the immense joy I still find in running.
It’s serendipitous that my devotional this morning actually talked about how we can have joy and pain coinciding. We can feel both simultaneously, and that’s an incredibly mysterious fact of life. There will be pain. Expect it. But also we have in us what it takes to keep moving forward and find joy in the midst of it. I am so grateful that God has sustained me as I continue to run. That He has given me the inner strength to keep challenging myself and doing these ridiculous races that both terrify and thrill me.
Isaiah 40:29-31 ESV “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
I see I haven’t posted in almost a month. I keep saying I’m going to post more frequently and then… well, I guess I get caught up with life and just forget about it! I went for so long obsessing over every little detail, being hypervigilant even when it wasn’t required, and I guess you could say I’ve turned a corner. And what am I seeing around that corner? Peace. Rest. Still waters. God has freed me from the crippling anxiety I’ve suffered from for far too long. It was such a part of my life I can’t even tell you when it started. And as He has been releasing me from the anxiety, the panic, the hypervigilance, I’m having these moments where I can hardly recognize myself. I am changed. And yet, somehow, I am still ME. Praise God, thank you Jesus.
So. What was I here to chat about?
Let’s see, I’m sitting here on a Friday morning listening to the birds, enjoying my first cup of coffee. Black coffee, because I’m now an intermittent faster. I have a couple friends who are IFers, and I was curious so I read a book they recommended called “Fast, Feast, Repeat: The Comprehensive Guide to Delay, Don’t Deny” by Gin Stephens. I was so fascinated by the science behind intermittent fasting, that I decided to try it. Most people do it for the weight loss benefits, but my primary reason was to see if it did anything for my energy levels.
I’m 8 weeks into this lifestyle and I did notice a slight improvement in energy at first, but that has seemed to level back to where it was, so that may have been unrelated. My first noticeable improvement was that I had no more bloating, which has always been a huge problem for me. I would stick with this lifestyle for that reason alone, but I also love that I’m not obsessing about food all the time. What am I going to eat next, when am I going to eat, will there be food where I’m going, do I have snacks packed in case I get hungry – God forbid I get hungry!, etc. etc. All that stopped. And I love it.
Then, the icing on the cake? I’m actually getting smaller. As of my last measurements, I’ve lost almost 6 pounds and several inches all over: 1 from each thigh, 3.5 around the waist, and 2 around my chest. It’s a very slow progress but I think they say the slower it comes off the better because it’s easier to maintain. I was okay with my weight where it was, even though according to the charts I am technically overweight (don’t get me started on those stupid charts). I just know I didn’t feel good. I had gained over 15 pounds after my marathon and no matter how hard I tried, how much I ran, it wasn’t budging back down. These sound like small numbers but I’m a short woman so proportionally they make a big difference in how I feel and how my clothes fit.
Anyway, so that’s one thing that’s been going on over here. What else?
I’ve also been running. Duh. I have been training for a half marathon with my friend, and the race is two weeks away! So we are officially in taper mode, which I’m loving. She’s not even sure if she’s going to be able to run it with me however, because apparently she’s been running on a foot injury. So now that she’s getting the medical professionals involved, they are recommending lots of rest and eventually she may need surgery. So, it’s not looking good, but we are still hopeful. Because we are both overachievers and often live our lives in denial of the physical realities that attempt to hold us back. Which is one of the reasons we are such great friends, I think. When it was determined that her foot pain was something more serious, she started riding her bike along side me while I ran our long runs, and that has seemed to work out pretty well. That’s not an option for the actual race, though, so I may be running it solo. We shall see.
I could go on and on about all the books I’m reading (5 at the moment) and the podcasts that interest me, but I’m afraid I’ve already taken up all of our time today. I hope that wherever you are reading this the sun is shining and the air is fresh. Shalom, y’all.
I’ve been watching a lot of Jane the Virgin lately and in it they refer to Zen Rafael. As in, he’s only calm, cool, and collected some of the time. I’ve realized lately that I still struggle a lot with time anxiety and maybe it’s time to slay that giant. It’s time to find Zen Mindy.
I fight this anxiety daily when the kids are getting ready for school. I get so amped up worrying that they are going to miss the bus. This morning was the first time I actually didn’t feel stress about it. I showered while they got ready. I made my coffee while they ate breakfast. They both left on time. My heart rate stayed nice and slow, I was relaxed. I did not yell. It felt like victory. A battle won in this war against my anxiety over time.
But then came another challenge! I went to the neurologist today. I schedule my paratransit rides to pick me up in plenty of time after the visits. You always have to estimate how long it’s going to take, and while this is tricky, I’ve gotten better at it over time. I always give myself extra time to be on the safe side and I don’t mind waiting in case I’m done early. However, today ran a little longer than my estimate. I was still waiting at the lab to get my bloodwork at the exact time I should have been downstairs waiting for my ride. Historically, I would have sat and fidgeted, checked the time every 30 seconds. Started sweating and tensing up. Maybe called the paratransit dispatch to let them know I would be late (they always tell me to call back later when I’m actually done). This time, however, I decided to try a different approach. I asked myself, “what if I miss my ride?” and the answer was simple. I would call and get another ride. In the six or seven years I’ve been using this service, I’ve had to do that less than ten times and I have never been stranded. So, clearly this was not a situation warranting panic. So I just kept telling myself that, and I didn’t bother to look at the clock. And you know what? It worked! When I was all done at the lab I got downstairs as quickly and calmly as possible, and started to call the dispatcher as I exited the building. What did I see? My ride! It was still waiting for me! The driver said I had 22 seconds to spare, and he would have left. I don’t know if he was joking or not, but I was grateful. And just in awe that I was still feeling relaxed despite the close call.
See, when you have no control over your external circumstance, you still have control over one thing, and that’s how you react. How you react is a reflection of your thoughts and assumptions about the situation. Sometimes we find that our brains have been trained to assume the worst scenario and we don’t even realize it. All these times I’ve had anxiety and panic in relation to time – being late – it’s because my brain is reacting to something like being stranded in another town, miles from home. Which has *literally* never happened to me. So why? Why?!? Because my brain is WRONG. And I discovered today, that I can tell it that. Brain, you are wrong, you are reacting to something that has not happened and probably never will. So let’s back this train up and get on a more realistic track.
You can continue to stress about all the possibilities, realistic or not, or you can choose to come up with solutions to the most probable scenarios and move on with your day, enjoying the moment. That’s what I experienced today and it was incredibly freeing, so I just had to share. Signing off, Zen Mindy!
When I saw my primary doctor about my knee I asked her if it would be safe to stop taking my anti-depressant. I had started on a higher dose, but since have gone down to the smallest dose because it was making me too numb. But now that I’ve been feeling so good, physically and mentally, I thought it would be worth a shot at stopping it altogether. She said I was on a low enough dose that I could just stop taking it and wouldn’t have any adverse effects. So, I stopped.
Here’s how I know it was leaving my system. Last week I turned on the tv and caught a few minutes of Wife Swap. The husband did something really nice and thoughtful for the wife, and I got a little choked up. Almost shed a tear. Then, a few days later I was watching a video on Facebook of a man playing the saxophone for a herd of cows, and I kid you not, they all came to the fence to listen. Again with the lump in the throat.
Then there was the time we went up in the carousel at Cedar Point and I almost had a panic attack. It was at that moment I remembered that I was off my meds and in order to cope I had to do what I had learned to do – which is to breath slowly and tell myself what was real and true. I had to tell myself that the likelihood of anything bad happening was very minimal, or else they wouldn’t have let us on the ride in the first place. And then keep breathing, slowly, in and out.
So, these sorts of things keep happening, and it tells me that the anti-depressant that was artificially numbing my emotions is out of my system. That makes me so happy, I could *literally* cry (Sometimes people say literally when they don’t mean literally. I am not those people.). This is such a good thing. I was taking the anti-depressant because I was having anxiety attacks, but I never did like that it seemed to dull my emotions all together. You can’t pick and choose with these drugs, I guess. The upside is that while I now feel sad emotions more vibrantly, I’m also feeling the happy ones too. I’m FEELing all the FEELS. You feel me?
Deaf and half-blind runner with multiple sclerosis
Little M.S. Runner 