The other morning I was reading my devotional and the writer shared that in Paul’s writings to the Galatians, it was as if he was holding up a sign that said on one side: “Don’t fall from grace by living under the Law”, and on the other: “Walk in the Spirit”. This resonated with me because over these past several years I’ve been discovering this freedom in walking with the Spirit. I love this, because as we walk in the Spirit, we know we will sometimes fall flat on our face, but we also know we can get up and continue moving forward.
As I was journaling this thought, I was immediately reminded of the time I fell flat on my face while running to train for my first half marathon. It had happened so fast I wasn’t even sure how it happened. However, after I was able to stand up and assess the damage, I came to realize that I had tripped on the sidewalk, propelling me forward. I really wanted to continue that run that day, but upon seeing my reflection and my quickly swelling lip, I decided it was better to rest and pick the run back up another time. I’ve never tripped on that patch of sidewalk again, even though I’ve run that route several times since.
You see, falling is not failure. When we are walking with the Spirit, when we are looking to Him for guidance, we may still fall. We may still scrape our knees and cut open our lips, but because of His grace and mercy we have the space and time to heal. To stand up, dress our wounds, learn from our mistakes, and get back out there. Maybe in the same direction, maybe not. What I’m encouraged by is the knowledge that I am never alone in the moving forward.
So. I ran another half marathon. This is the one I was training with a friend for, only she was not able to run the race due to a foot injury. However, she was sending me cheers from home throughout the race and was surely with me in spirit! Also, the race went as well as could be expected. Would you like to hear all about it? Grab a tasty beverage and sit back.
This particular race, Bayshore, has been kind of a dream of mine ever since I heard of its existence. The race offers 3 distances, the 10k (which I ran last year), the half marathon, and the full marathon. The races are located in Traverse City, Michigan, where my dad’s family essentially called home for many years. The small city is located in northern Michigan and is home to the Old Mission Peninsula, which is flanked by the Grand Traverse Bay. My grandfather owned property on the peninsula, on the West Bay, and my cousins and I spent a week every summer there. We have so many great childhood memories from our time “up north”. We ate cherries, we hiked, we swam, we strolled along the shore searching for Petoskey stones. My husband and I honeymooned at the cottage, sharing my childhood memories and making new ones. We’ve had family reunions there. My paternal grandparents are both now buried on the peninsula. The property my grandfather owned was eventually sold and the cottage is now gone, but a big piece of my heart still lives on Old Mission. So when I learned there was a race that actually allows you to run all over the peninsula? Sign me up! I ran the 10k last year, which was satisfying but slightly disappointing because only a small portion of the race I felt like I was ON the peninsula. The half marathon distance starts at the north end of the peninsula and follows the coastline of the east bay all the way south into town. This was the race for me.
Now I want you to understand that racing for me is terrifying at moments. Not being able to see the start from far away, being unfamiliar with the terrain. It’s not like home where I’ve memorized the potholes and cracks in the roads and sidewalks. My anxiety for this race began building several days before the race. But standing in the chute among all the other runners was somewhat calming. I was finally here. And I had trained for this, I was ready to go. Until I realized I was standing near the wrong pace group, among runners way faster than me. Not to worry, I simply shuffled back until I found my people. As I stood there waiting I checked my phone and realized I had lost my Bluetooth connection to my cochlear implants. It’s a good thing because reconnecting involves taking off my hat in order to remove my left cochlear implant, remove the battery, replace the battery to make it “discoverable”, put it back on my ear, put the hat back on, etc. So I’m glad I had that time to make sure I was connected. I rely on my music playlist to keep me going throughout these long runs.
Once I was situated and connected I got back to bouncing around to keep my legs warm and as I’m bouncing I realize there’s a strange stillness all around me. It occurs to me that everyone is looking in the same direction, some with hands on their hearts. Ah! It must be the National Anthem playing. I hope I didn’t do anything disruptive or disrespectful. It wouldn’t be the first time. No worries, carry on Mel.
I wish I could remember more of the details of this race, but I’ll share with you what I do remember. Coming up the first hill, I marveled at the vineyards stretched out on each side of me, and the East Grand Traverse Bay glistening in the morning sun ahead. The road leading me forward, filled with runners. I don’t want to forget that moment. Or later, coming around a curve to an open expanse, my view filled with brilliant blue water on my left and lush green evergreens on my right. I thought about taking a picture there because it was so freaking gorgeous but it wouldn’t have done it any justice, and it would have taken away from my enjoyment of it. I would have wasted the moment fiddling with my phone, most likely unsuccessful anyway.
I continued running, soaking in the atmosphere and the majestic scenery. All the anxiety had disappeared. I was thanking God for this experience. It was incredible. I felt strong. I was at peace. It wasn’t until I was about 6 miles into the race, that I started to really feel the burn and the soreness of my legs. I still felt strong, and my legs were moving well. That’s also about the time I started to see more and more spectators. Kids giving high fives, dogs wondering why all these people are running in the street. Posters lovingly prepared: DIG DEEP – a POWER button – WORST PARADE EVER. I love these races. You think making a poster and standing at the side of the road isn’t a big deal, but it IS. Without the spectators, it’s just a grueling training run. We NEED these people.
Around the 8th mile I was starting to really struggle because the weather had warmed up quite a bit. I decided to take my shirt off during my next walk break but with the deaf/blind vest and the sweat sticking to my shirt, it took longer than I anticipated. So by the time I got reset I was running through an aid station with a gang of onlookers to my comically awkward process. It didn’t matter. There’s no shame among runners, and these people understand and have likely seen it all. In fact, later in the race I was passed by a woman carrying her shoes, running in her socks to the next aid station. You do what you have to do. So it was a bit of a chore to get that shirt off but it was so worth it to lower my temperature a few degrees. It gave me the rejuvenation I needed to keep going.
The last few miles of the race honestly felt like drudgery and I just wanted to be done but those spectators kept me going! The runners were still moving ahead of me and I just kept reminding myself what I came for, and that was to complete this race. And I did! I finished! I set a new personal record for myself, and I did not fall. Though after the finish I was struggling to walk. My left foot knew we had crossed the finish line and just refused to lift, so I hobbled along the fence line until I saw my husband and kids walking up, all smiles. They escorted me to the recovery area and found me a chair and some ice cream. It was an incredible moment, getting to share this accomplishment with my three favorite people in the world. I tear up just reliving it.
This was such a great race. It was so difficult, but I have to accept that reality because I’m signed up to run my 2nd full marathon in October. Yes, yes I did. I swore I wouldn’t run another one but it turns out I lied. I’m glad I already committed to the marathon, because I think I would have chickened out after this race. It was a sobering reminder of how difficult and painful it is to run a lot of miles, but it was also a good reminder of the immense joy I still find in running.
It’s serendipitous that my devotional this morning actually talked about how we can have joy and pain coinciding. We can feel both simultaneously, and that’s an incredibly mysterious fact of life. There will be pain. Expect it. But also we have in us what it takes to keep moving forward and find joy in the midst of it. I am so grateful that God has sustained me as I continue to run. That He has given me the inner strength to keep challenging myself and doing these ridiculous races that both terrify and thrill me.
Isaiah 40:29-31 ESV “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
I see I haven’t posted in almost a month. I keep saying I’m going to post more frequently and then… well, I guess I get caught up with life and just forget about it! I went for so long obsessing over every little detail, being hypervigilant even when it wasn’t required, and I guess you could say I’ve turned a corner. And what am I seeing around that corner? Peace. Rest. Still waters. God has freed me from the crippling anxiety I’ve suffered from for far too long. It was such a part of my life I can’t even tell you when it started. And as He has been releasing me from the anxiety, the panic, the hypervigilance, I’m having these moments where I can hardly recognize myself. I am changed. And yet, somehow, I am still ME. Praise God, thank you Jesus.
So. What was I here to chat about?
Let’s see, I’m sitting here on a Friday morning listening to the birds, enjoying my first cup of coffee. Black coffee, because I’m now an intermittent faster. I have a couple friends who are IFers, and I was curious so I read a book they recommended called “Fast, Feast, Repeat: The Comprehensive Guide to Delay, Don’t Deny” by Gin Stephens. I was so fascinated by the science behind intermittent fasting, that I decided to try it. Most people do it for the weight loss benefits, but my primary reason was to see if it did anything for my energy levels.
I’m 8 weeks into this lifestyle and I did notice a slight improvement in energy at first, but that has seemed to level back to where it was, so that may have been unrelated. My first noticeable improvement was that I had no more bloating, which has always been a huge problem for me. I would stick with this lifestyle for that reason alone, but I also love that I’m not obsessing about food all the time. What am I going to eat next, when am I going to eat, will there be food where I’m going, do I have snacks packed in case I get hungry – God forbid I get hungry!, etc. etc. All that stopped. And I love it.
Then, the icing on the cake? I’m actually getting smaller. As of my last measurements, I’ve lost almost 6 pounds and several inches all over: 1 from each thigh, 3.5 around the waist, and 2 around my chest. It’s a very slow progress but I think they say the slower it comes off the better because it’s easier to maintain. I was okay with my weight where it was, even though according to the charts I am technically overweight (don’t get me started on those stupid charts). I just know I didn’t feel good. I had gained over 15 pounds after my marathon and no matter how hard I tried, how much I ran, it wasn’t budging back down. These sound like small numbers but I’m a short woman so proportionally they make a big difference in how I feel and how my clothes fit.
Anyway, so that’s one thing that’s been going on over here. What else?
I’ve also been running. Duh. I have been training for a half marathon with my friend, and the race is two weeks away! So we are officially in taper mode, which I’m loving. She’s not even sure if she’s going to be able to run it with me however, because apparently she’s been running on a foot injury. So now that she’s getting the medical professionals involved, they are recommending lots of rest and eventually she may need surgery. So, it’s not looking good, but we are still hopeful. Because we are both overachievers and often live our lives in denial of the physical realities that attempt to hold us back. Which is one of the reasons we are such great friends, I think. When it was determined that her foot pain was something more serious, she started riding her bike along side me while I ran our long runs, and that has seemed to work out pretty well. That’s not an option for the actual race, though, so I may be running it solo. We shall see.
I could go on and on about all the books I’m reading (5 at the moment) and the podcasts that interest me, but I’m afraid I’ve already taken up all of our time today. I hope that wherever you are reading this the sun is shining and the air is fresh. Shalom, y’all.
I titled this as if I do “end of week” updates regularly. Y’all know… I do not. I’m far from regular. But, I just put a cheesecake in the oven and felt like kicking back and writing about some of the exciting things that have been going on with regards to MS and running. I may have mentioned, I’m training for another half marathon. It’s at the end of May, and I’m running it with one of my best friends. It’s been challenging getting our training runs in during the winter but since we are both committed to this race, we are able to hold each other accountable (though, I’ll admit, it’s mostly her keeping me accountable. If I had my way we would be doing far fewer long runs.)
Anyway, during this training I was noticing, and my friend was able to see as well, that my left leg had become increasingly “lazy”. Lots of scuffing of the toe, slapping of the foot as it landed, etc. I think this had started a long time ago, but I hadn’t bothered with it since I wasn’t doing as much running. I talked to my neurologist about it at my last regular check up and she recommended I get some physical therapy to help strengthen those lagging muscles. So I’ve been going to physical therapy for a couple weeks and already I have noticed improvements. The first was that the PT noticed my stride when I run is very short, and she recommended lengthening that stride to get more use of my hamstrings and quads. I tell you, it’s definitely harder to run with that longer stride, but even with that I’m seeing my pace come up. I’ve shaved almost a minute off my short distance pace since beginning our training, without really trying.
Another improvement I’ve seen is that my left leg seems to be getting more involved in the walking process. See, normally I swing my body a little to give that left leg some extra momentum. Since doing these PT exercises, that’s changing. The PT has hooked my leg up a couple times to a stim machine to activate those muscles and I know that’s helping to get them working properly again. I’m having to retrain my brain to talk to those nerves that operate my leg and foot. It’s fascinating and exciting at the same time.
I’m still struggling with fatigue; that hasn’t changed a whole lot. However, I’m learning to change my mindset and be kinder to myself about it. I remind myself that it comes and goes, and that when it comes, I just need to rest, enjoy the slow down period, and ask for help when needed. My teenagers have been real troopers with that, so I’m grateful to have them around.
We’ve had a lot of illness and health issues going around our family for what feels like forever, but with spring comes sunshine and warm weather and I have hope that healthy days are right around the corner. I also hope that for you, dear reader, that you have healthy days and sunshine. May God bless you! Until next time…
Half marathon training is in full swing! Between winter weather, sickness, and just plain busy lives, it’s been a challenge to get these weekly long runs done, but we’re still at it! We’re up to 7 miles and are keeping a pretty decent average pace. To be honest, we are trying not to care about the pace. Just want to focus on building up that mileage without injuring ourselves. I have some hip and knee pain that’s lingering after a short run last week, where I know I ran too fast, so I need to be more careful about that.
My left leg is still an issue that I’m not sure there’s a solution for. It’s weak, yes, but I don’t know if making it stronger would make a lot of difference. Because when it’s tired, it simply doesn’t respond. At the end of most of these long runs I’ve had to lift my leg to get into my friends van. So I suppose I should count myself lucky I haven’t fallen during a run **knock on wood**. I do hear my left toe scrape sometimes and I can definitely hear how my left foot slaps on the ground when it lands each step. Over all these years of running I seem to have found a running form that works for me, but I always wonder if I could improve.
We had to switch the days we do our long runs so it just worked out that I also had my monthly Tysabri infusion this morning. I wore my running clothes to the infusion and had my friend pick me up when I was done and we headed straight to the trails to get our 7 miles in. It made for a long day and my Garmin says i only got 5 hours of sleep, so you can bet I’ll be napping as soon as I finish this post!
I have a 5k coming up that I’m excited about! It’s for pi day, math nerds know… 3.14. And guess what you get at the finish line? Pie! I love me some pie, especially after running 3.14 miles (yes, they adjusted the length of the race, gotta keep with the theme, of course). I have a couple other friends running so it should be a fun time.
Well, that’s all I have to say about running… for now. Peace out, homies.
This is just getting really old, so I thought I would tell you all about what it’s like, while I’m in the thick of it. I know it’s not going to be like this every day forever and ever, based on my history with MS, but Damn. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees right now. Is that the right phrase? I don’t know, my brain’s low on gas right now…
The most common symptom among MS sufferers is fatigue, and that is what I suffer from the most. I’ve learned to adapt and live with the hearing loss and the vision loss, and the weakness in my left leg, but the fatigue is the Beast I can’t seem to tame. It causes the most trouble the week before my monthly infusion, presumably because my body is running out of the medicine coursing through my veins. The problem is, once I get that infusion, I don’t get some magical burst of energy back. It just sort of slowly creeps back to a manageable level.
I have recently started charting my daily fatigue levels to see 1) if that fourth week after my infusion truly is when I’m at my highest level of fatigue and 2) how long does it usually take to get back to a functional energy level. I’ve just started charting, so it’s way too soon to have any usable data, but I’m hopeful that after a couple months I’ll be able to use what I’ve learned to plan my days better. If I can have more reasonable expectations on myself, than I can stop getting so frustrated.
Today, for example, I started out the day at about a fatigue level 6, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being plenty of energy for everything and 10 being flat out, unable to move. I went to Bible study, ran a quick errand, and came home and took a two-hour nap. Caffeine has almost no effect on me, so coffee is purely for looks. When I woke up from my nap the fatigue was actually worse, at an 8, so I went back to sleep for another hour. Not because sleep helps, but because what else is there to do when it’s such a struggle to move? I could watch tv or read but even my brain is fatigued so I would really just sit there feeling like a vegetable. The beautiful unconsciousness of sleep shields me from falling into depression.
I feel like I let down my family when I have to back out of activities or delay promises I’ve made, but they have yet to complain. In all honesty, I think I’m the only one bothered by this fatigue. My family and friends are always extremely gracious and understanding of me. I need to be just as gracious and understanding of myself. Because this is just a string of bad fatigue days, and they’ll be behind me soon enough. Until they are back again, of course.
***After I’ve had some time to think about this day, it occurred to me that maybe going back for that second nap was the wrong move. Maybe it would have been better if I had gone for a crappy run instead. I was scheduled to run 1.5 miles according to my current training plan, so I had every good reason to do it. After we had dinner tonight (a late, late dinner because my son had wrestling), I bit the bullet and got my miles in on the treadmill. It was hard to start but I kept with it and I’m glad I did. So, I’m going to try to remember that next time this beast rears its ugly head.
Oh! And speaking of my current training plan, I have another big race I’m signed up for, with a fellow friend who is crazy enough to run it with me. It’s a half marathon, and it’s happening at the end of May (because we’re only half crazy, get it??). This week is our first week of training, and so far, she’s doing better at staying on task than I am, but I feel like I gained a little momentum by squeaking out that treadmill run this evening. So here we go, wish me luck!
I ran another race! This one was kind of special because my plan was to run it solo. Back in May I had a nice conversation with the race director and she made me feel really confident that it was something that I could pull off. And that if anything were to happen to me along the course, I would be well taken care of. The Capital City River Run is a race right here in my hometown. They offer a couple different distances, with the longest being the half marathon. That’s what I ran this weekend. The people involved in this race are incredible and there’s just something magical about running around this city that holds so many memories of my life over the past 25 years.
Hanging out with the back of the pack, waiting for the countdown. I am super grateful for the enthusiastic and supportive pacers.
To be honest, right now, four hours after I finished running, I’m wondering why I even do this to my body. I ran a strong race, my legs were holding up well, but a short time after it was over, I started feeling really ill. Stomach upset, nauseated, and lightheaded. I’m feeling a lot better now after a nap and a shower, but my body is still questioning my life choices.
The bottom line is, I had FUN. And I’m so glad my husband reminded me of that when he dropped me off that morning because I was so nervous and scared that I was forgetting the whole reason I was there in the first place. To have fun. Running is fun. People who run are fun. And when those inevitable hard days come, it helps to remember you ran some really awesome races that were hard to do but you ran them. You set goals and you didn’t give up on those goals. You met people along the way who cheered you on even as they were battling their own struggles, fighting to finish their own races.
And fast forward; it’s now Tuesday. I had to pause writing this post on Sunday because I was just so tired. And I didn’t finish it on Monday because Fatigue. Level 10 fatigue, all day Monday. I wasn’t in so much pain as I had expected to be in. Just a bit of hip pain on the right side, but I was definitely feeling more fatigued than I had anticipated. Y’all, I could barely hold my head up sitting at the kitchen table to eat my breakfast. All day I was struggling to move. Fatigue is the most common symptom of MS, and I’ve learned to avoid it most of the time by keeping up with regular running. This race, however, kicked me right in the rear. Leading up to the day of the race I had already decided to dial it back on the long races, because I had so much trouble keeping up with the training, but Monday, that decision was cemented in my mind. I am super proud of my accomplishment, but I need to take it easy for awhile. My body made that glaringly obvious – the debilitating fatigue that keeps me from doing basic, simple tasks is just not worth it right now. Maybe down the road I’ll set my sights on another pie in the sky goal, but for now I am ready to do some serious resting.
This was Sunday, post-nap. I ran 13.1 miles and did not die!!
Trauma. It sounds like an alarmist word. Until you find that it’s exactly the right word to describe what you’ve been through. You didn’t know it at the time, because you were a child and the adults in your life were telling you this was normal. That you had a good life. That you were just overreacting. It was probably just those teenage hormones lying to you about how bad things were. But hormones don’t lie. People do.
And children grow up and start remembering. Often not in clear memories, but in physical responses to situations bearing resemblance to what you went through. That part of your brain remembers, and it’s trying to protect you. Don’t ignore it. Get help. Because while the danger is no longer out there, it is now within you, internalized and threatening to repeat all the same behaviors that were normalized for you growing up. The rage attacks, the love bombing, the blame shifting, the gaslighting, the confusing and conflicting messages. You’ve got to end the cycle. Work on you. You are the only one you have control over.
All these terms, these are buzzwords. But what they are to me are light bulbs and with them someone finally turned the lights on when I’ve been stumbling around in the dark for years, decades even. The lights are on and now I’m standing in this maze and trying to find my way out. It’s not easy. But I have cheerleaders, faithful supporters standing to the side shouting directions, whispering life giving encouragement. I’m going to get out of this maze. I must. I am a trauma survivor.
All of that I wrote, previously. But I feel it needs a little more explanation. See I’ve been living in a constant state of anxiety for as long as I can remember. And late last year I discovered that wasn’t normal. The racing heartbeat, the tremors, the cold sweats, the nightmares, the panic attacks. These were symptoms of complex ptsd. I sought help from a trauma therapist back in November and I’ve been seeing her ever since. Twice a week, sometimes three, to work through and properly process the trauma I’ve lived through. My therapist uses a method called EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, and it’s fascinating. I had stumbled across it while doing my initial research into what I was experiencing and it’s turned out to be exactly what I needed. Because traditional talk therapy is difficult when you have trouble with your memory. I won’t go in to the specifics of it, because you can look it up for yourself, but I will say it has worked it’s magic rather quickly. In four short months I am far less triggered by every day stressors. I’m finding it easier to relax my shoulders. I’m sleeping through the night (most of the time). The nightmares have waned considerably. I’m getting better at responding as opposed to reacting.
So we’ve stopped the bleeding, so to speak, but I still have a lot of healing to do. My mind is still replaying toxic messaging, I’m still doubting my every decision, my self-worth. I’m still desperately seeking validation every where I go. But I am on the mend, I’m getting the help, and that’s what matters most.
This is a big reason why I have not posted here on the blog since January. Other reasons are related to my physical health. Some of it covid related, some of it related to being a pre-menopausal woman. I think I’ve been anemic for some time, who knows how long it’s been building, but it ended with a trip to the ER the day after my birthday and my first ever blood transfusion, hurray! So I’m seeing doctors, I’m taking medications, I’m on the mend. However, this has all wreaked havoc on my energy levels and my ability to run, which *KILLS* my pride and frustrates me to no end, but I’m trying to remember this is just a season and it won’t last forever. I will get back to running, and I’ll update y’all when that happens (which I hope will be soon, since I have races on the calendar calling my name).
I have the house to myself on a cold but sunny winter Saturday, for 2 hours. So naturally, I’m snuggled on the couch with a cup of coffee and cookies, jamming out to Lauryn Hill, Nas, and Tupac while I prepare our tax returns. I am living The Life, people. (This is not a joke. Preparing tax returns relaxes me. I am THAT nerd.)
I would be out running (or on the treadmill) but my lungs are still recovering from Covid and I am trying to give them more time to heal up. That and I’m super fatigued so it would be a massive struggle anyway. Sometimes your body just screams “Rest!!” and you are better off listening to it. Even when you would rather be out there doing everything.
Yep, Covid. This Omicron variant is spreading like wildfire around these parts, and our family was hit with it earlier this month. The rest of the fam had really mild symptoms but I was pretty wrecked for several days. My doctors had me go in to get a monoclonal infusion to treat it. I was actually starting to feel better by that time, but they wanted me to have it as a precaution because I guess they are seeing a lot of people improve but then get worse again, and because I have MS they didn’t want me taking any chances. I’m still a little fatigued, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary for me. My throat is still a tad scratchy and I’m coughing a little, but I would say I’m almost back to full strength.
Welp. I’m going to get back to my taxes but perhaps later this week I’ll update again with other news and ramblings. Perhaps?! We’ll see…
Well, it’s a week post-marathon and I’ve put this off long enough. I was hoping to write a beautifully elegant recap of the marathon, but you’ll just have to settle for my jumbled thoughts and memories. Keep in mind this was written in spurts throughout the week, if that tells you anything about how my recovery was going.
I’m still processing the reality of what I accomplished by finishing a marathon. I mostly feel relief and post race pain. Maybe when I’ve physically healed it will start to hit me. I want to tell you all about it, I really do, but I’m honestly just tired and sore. I need to rest and recover.
****Here is the pause while I am recovering****
Okay. Still fatigued but my brain is feeling much better. So, I finished in just under 7 hours. That’s nowhere near the time I had been hoping for. However, it occurred to me this morning that the number 7 is Biblically symbolic of completion. And this race was certainly that. Not just a completion of 26.2 miles, but the completion of the goal I set to prove to myself that MS hasn’t won.
Running was never my thing. Running was what my brother and sister did. However, there was a point along the way, along this journey with MS, that I discovered I could run. And I remember sitting at that table with Brett and Kari, out for a drink to celebrate one of our birthdays, when I told them both – “I think I want to try running a 5k.” That was six years ago, and here I am running a marathon. Incredible.
“One step. One punch. One round at a time.” This was the mantra Kari and I kept repeating in the last several miles of the race, in order to keep me going. (It’s from one of the Rocky movies but we weren’t sure we got all the words right.) I was losing motivation quickly. My legs were failing me in ways I had only partially anticipated. I had developed a mysterious lean to the right, my vision was even more foggy than usual. It was clear I was not going to finish anywhere near my time goal, well after the official race had closed down. But I set this goal, I decided back in the spring I was going to do it, so quitting was not an option. Kari reminded me of that. My son, Luke, ran the last 5 miles with us, cheering me on. My brother, Brett, was there for the last 2, lending an arm on the left side to keep me steady. There was a whole group of family and friends waiting for me at the finish line.
As the four of us (Kari, Brett, Luke, and myself) rounded the corner towards the finish, Brett and Luke snuck away and Kari moved further to the right. They knew this was my race and were gracious enough to let me finish on my own. Stubborn me, I did not want to be carried to the finish. I wanted it to be clear I could cross that line on my own two feet. And maybe that’s a little selfish of me but I had to know I could do it.
My sister and I were crying as I hobbled toward the end. I’m sure many others were crying too. I crossed that makeshift finish line and fell into my friend Sarah’s arms. Oh, Sarah. Let me break for a minute to tell you a bit about her. We’ve been friends for a couple decades. She’s the one who helped me get the job where I met my husband. She’s also the amazing woman who cared for me daily when I had my most devastating relapse in 2013. She has fed me, clothed me, even helped bathe me, when I was at my very worst. She has never shown me pity, but always strength and courage. She brings out the best in people when they can’t see it for themselves. She is an incredible human being and I’m so grateful she came to support me at this monumental race.
There’s so much more I could tell. My daughter, Natalie, smiling at me and reminding me, “you were in a walker!”. She knows this was big. She’s proud of her mom, yes, but my hope for her is that this memory will be a constant reminder that she also can do hard things.
And my husband, Mike. Sarah handed me off to him at that finish line. By this time my legs were collapsing and he wrapped his strong arms around me and wouldn’t let me fall (literally and figuratively!). He knew all along that I would finish this race because he knows me. He knows my stubborn determination and he knows how much this meant to me.
I guess all this is to say that running a marathon was not just about the running. This was an experience I’ll never forget. Yes, I may forget the pain, and the lost toenails, and the weeklong fatigue I felt after it was done. I may forget all the long training runs and the miles I put in each week. But I will never forget all the people who supported me along the way. There were lots of people at this race to cheer me on, but there were so many more back at home who have been rooting for me to slay this giant. And I couldn’t do life without any of them. Thank you all, for walking by my side and for carrying me when needed. My hope now that this crazy race is over is that I can put all my energy into giving back to you. I’m truly grateful.
Deaf and half-blind runner with multiple sclerosis
Little M.S. Runner 