Category Archives: Running

Disability, Family, Grown-up Stuff, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Running, Writing

Emerging from the fog of four weeks of fatigue

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Is there another word for emerging that starts with F? Something about alliteration soothes me. I know I’m weird. I’ve embraced it.

I’m popping my head up, finally. Happy new year! I had a good holiday season. A lot of relaxing and spending time with my family. My son was home from college for an extended period of time, so that was nice. After he went back to school his absence was almost palpable. He is the energetic extrovert of our family, so without him we resumed our antisocial ways, only peeking out occasionally from our caves to eat food and play with the dogs.

The reason for my four weeks of fatigue was an unfortunate timing of events. In mid-December, we learned my husband’s employer was switching to a new health insurance company, in order to keep it affordable for everyone. I’m not mad about the decision, I understand the necessity, but the timing of it was not ideal. Most of our medical providers participate with the new insurance, but my infusion center did not. This forced me to move to a new infusion center. Which involves getting new authorization and approval. My infusion was due on January 1st. The new insurance went into effect on January 1st. This obviously did not allow enough time to make the transition. It was a big ‘ole mess, and I spent several weeks on the phone fighting to get approval and get scheduled for my infusion. I finally pulled a “Karen” and demanded to speak to a manager. Surprisingly, that actually worked! Within 2 days of talking with this manager I had my approval and was scheduled for my infusion. It was almost 3 weeks late, which had me worried some, but aside from extremely debilitating fatigue, I had no new MS symptoms. Knock on wood. It was my usual week of fatigue I get prior to each monthly infusion, plus 3 bonus weeks. 1 + 3 = 4. FUN.

So now that I’m coming out of that fog, I’m loving the feeling of NOT dragging. Remember when you think about doing something and you just get up and do it? You don’t have to take deep breaths and talk yourself into it, one painful baby step at a time. Like showering. Remember that? It’s here! It came back! Now you have three weeks to catch up on everything before the next bout hits. But beware, you don’t want to wear yourself out so be careful. Don’t rush in. Be intentional. You’ve got this.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m so thankful to have made it through that hiccup, and just praying my health stays stable going forward. Now that my head is out of the fog, I’m refocusing on some basic yet important things, and I have a list (of course):

1) Drink 2 liters of water a day – I actually set an hourly timer on my phone to remind me to drink. We’ll see how long that lasts. :/

2) Eat more fiber – daily chia pudding or overnight oats with fruit have been my latest obsession.

3) Write memoir – I’m still plugging away at this gargantuan project. The process isn’t pretty but it’s moving forward at sloth pace. What I’ve been doing to work on this could fill a whole post of it’s own, if I get around to it. No promises, but I’ll think about it.

4) Running – yeah, I haven’t been running, but I need to. It’s good for my health, my legs, my fatigue levels. And, I have a 10k in just under 7 weeks so I need to get my tail back in gear, pronto!

That’s it for today’s update. Thanks for tuning in and I’ll see you next time!

Disability, Domestic Engineer, Exercise, Faith, Family, Health, Hobbies, Running, Writing

Brain Dump – Winter Edition

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You guys. I’m neglecting this blog. I do apologize. I’ve been hiding. Hibernating a little. But still active! Just not feeling the urge to broadcast my life. I’m still making the super slow shift from “over-sharer” to “intentional storyteller”. Finding where I want to hold boundaries with my writing and the sharing of it with others.

Part of this hesitation with writing is that I am becoming more aware of the reasons I do things. Why do I write? Why do I blog? I’ve been blogging off and on for over 20 years, and I think for the majority of those years it was just to clear my head, share funny thoughts as they came. It was a great way to add some whimsy to my dull life working in offices and crunching numbers. It was FUN.

Until it wasn’t. When I became disabled in 2013, I considered dropping it altogether. Through a series of events and gentle Holy Spirit nudges, I felt called back to it. To share what I was going through as I adjusted to a new life. So I picked it back up and stayed with it happily until 2020, when the sh** hit the fan, as they say. My long term disability insurance representative had combed through my blog, my medical records, and notes from our phone calls, then twisted all my words and used them against me to cancel my monthly benefits.

I fought to regain those benefits and eventually won, but it took over a year. I was cautioned by my attorney to be careful what I put on social media, if anything at all. It was some time before I felt safe enough to return here, and I’m still a little gun-shy about everything I post.

All of that to say, I *want* to be here. I want to post updates on my life. I want to encourage others to never give up when life knocks you down. I’m just not super awesome at the consistency of it. But I’m working on it. I haven’t forgotten you!

So here’s a running update: I haven’t been doing any running because it’s cold and icy outside and I refuse to run in the basement on the treadmill. It’s depressing, okay? However, I’ve been keeping up with small daily exercises, thanks to an online group that helps keep me accountable. I have a 10k race I’m signed up for in mid-March, so I intend on picking back up with running after the holidays.

A Writing Update: I’ve been working a lot on my memoir, again. This time it feels like it’s actually going somewhere. I went down the rabbit hole of memoir training for a while there, but I did eventually land on a method that works for me and am excited to feel like I’m making real progress. Now that I have a structure and a plan, my intention going forward is to write 500 words per day. Yesterday was my first day and I wrote twice that amount, but I don’t expect that to be the norm. I almost finished a whole chapter and that was pretty exciting. I have a note above my desk that reminds me *not* to edit while writing, because I can’t be creative and critical at the same time. I joined a writing group that meets every weekday on Zoom, and I enjoy having that time and space to focus solely on the manuscript. I’ve only been going once a week so far, but if things slow down on the homefront I may try to join more often.

Other than that, I’m just blissfully busy with my husband and kids. Taking care of the home, preparing meals, keeping us all healthy. Super mundane stuff that we all take for granted, but that I am grateful to be able to do. What are you grateful for these days?

Books, Exercise, Food, Hobbies, Photos, Running

New Shoes and Push-ups

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Fair warning: Today I’m gonna talk about running. I’m not obsessed or anything. It’s just a hobby I’ve become quite passionate about. Not an obsession. Seriously.

I get emails from our local running store about sales and new items. I recently received a notification that the particular model of running shoe I wear, Saucony Kinvara, were on sale. It had been many years since I had been fitted for shoes so I was more than overdue. Also, one of my current pair of running shoes (I rotate between 2 pair) has well over 300 miles on them and need to be retired.

My tiny left foot.

Now, I have been wearing a size 7.5 normal shoe, and an 8 in running shoes. It’s always good to go up half a size with running shoes because your feet swell. I ran for years in a 7.5 and it caused so many blisters. However, at this trip to the store they sized my feet and it turns out I am now an 8, but only the right foot. The left foot is a 6.5. I took pictures because I couldn’t believe this fact, but it’s true. I went home with a fresh pair of size 8.5 running shoes.

My new shoes, newly laced for maximum comfort

After getting some fresh orthotic inserts to accommodate my pronation, I was good to go. Or so I thought. I went on a long run last weekend and halfway through my run the top of my left foot was feeling some serious pain. Yikes. I’ve experienced this before. I forgot to relace my new shoes. See, there are different methods for lacing your shoes. If your shoes are hurting you – try changing up the lacing. It can make a world of difference. I’ve learned so much about this through trial and error and it’s quite fascinating. I always thought running was a simple sport. Just throw on some sneakers and go. Nope. There is so much more to it. But, I always love the learning, and seeing myself improve with every tweak in my training and gear.

Back in May I was part of a challenge to do 100 push-ups every day. I only joined because my sister said they could be any variation of push-ups in any increment. You could tailor it to fit your fitness level. So I did. I started out the month doing 10 countertop push-ups at a time, 10 times throughout the day. And when that got too easy I increased the number of reps and then moved to a lower surface. I finished the month being able to do 5 sets of 20 push-ups using my fireplace cabinet. When the month ended I vowed to continue the daily habit, and I’m now at 3 sets of 33 at the fireplace. I’m hoping to progress to using the ottoman, and eventually I want to be able to do your traditional on the floor push-ups.

The thing that has amazed me though, is that since doing this daily habit, my run pace has increased significantly, without much increased effort on my part. Also, I can sense that my core is stronger. I notice when I’m walking up and down my stairs that my balance is somewhat better. Now, none of this is concrete. I could just be imagining the improvements. Heck, maybe my Garmin is old and not accurately tracking my speed. I don’t know, but I do think the push-ups are helping in more ways than I had anticipated. And it always feels good to feel stronger.

I have been training for a 10k at the end of this month, and am really hoping to be able to beat my 10k PR that I set in 2020, when I ran a virtual race with my sister. I’ve run several 10ks since, and none of them have been close to catching that time of 1 hour, 18 minutes, so I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic. But I do think this core strengthening with my daily push-ups will help. Fingers crossed!

That is all for now. I still have some books to recap (I think?) and I’m working steadily on writing my memoir, so like I said I’m not obsessed with the running. Just passionate. Reading and writing help to keep me balanced. Oh, and food. I think it’s time for lunch 🙂

Books, Running, Trauma, Writing

Book Review: The Longest Race

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Kara Goucher is a professional runner, now retired from competing. She is still very active in the running world as a track and field analyst for NBC, and she hosts a podcast with another favorite running rockstar, Des Linden. I had heard of Goucher but not known much about her story. I like to learn about these professional female distance runners because it inspires me to keep running. The Longest Race is Goucher’s memoir about her life with running. She has a long list of awards and accolades, but I won’t list them here. You can look her up. If you do, you might find her described as a whistleblower of the doping and sexual abuse that was going on at Nike. This is what she talks about in this memoir and I was both intrigued and mortified. The abuse she endured was awful, but she was able to rise above it and hold accountable the people who abused her.

I was able to relate to her story of abuse only in a broad way, because those on the other side of trauma often speak a lot of the same language. Even if the details are different, we all get it on one level or another. So that was refreshing to read and I found myself wanting to reach into the book and hug her.

I was also inspired by the way she talked about running. It helped revive a bit of my desire to run more. When she was training for competition it sounded brutal, but when she was able to run for fun, I could definitely relate, and it brought back warm memories of when I was training for my marathons and half marathons. Some of what running brought Goucher – freedom, confidence, courage – are what running has brought me as well. Throughout the book I felt like I could relate to her, and it inspired and encouraged me. I think that’s the whole point of a memoir, so I would say she nailed it! I would recommend this book, 10/10.

Books, Domestic Engineer, Food, Marriage, Multiple Sclerosis, Running

Recovery from fatigue, and running

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I had my monthly infusion today! Also, it’s my 26th wedding anniversary. I was telling my infusion nurse that I should probably be more excited about the latter, but it’s hard to feel like celebrating when you can barely move your legs. So celebration will just have to wait until my energy returns. Thankfully my husband is very understanding, and also not super into these types of annual celebrations anyway. He’s just happy to be able to spend any time with me, and it doesn’t have to be on the exact day. What can I say? We just aren’t romantic people. It works for us.

When I came home from my infusion I considered all the things that need to be done: laundry, cleaning bathrooms, clerical household tasks – told them all they can wait – and then ate a robust and delicious salad and took a solid nap. The weather was beautiful today and I really wanted to go for a run but that has to wait too. Because the effects from the infusion aren’t immediate. I’m hoping I feel up for running tomorrow. Even if it’s at a turtle’s pace, that’s fine because that happens to be my specialty.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading to keep me occupied while dealing with this damn fatigue. I have a really hard time sitting still, so reading makes me feel like I’m “doing” something, even if I’m not always fully comprehending what I’m reading. I finished a couple books this past week and am onto a few more. One of the books was about running – Let Your Mind Run by Deena Kastor – and I absolutely loved hearing about what goes through her head while training for and running major races. I’m a big fan of all of the female professional runners and have read several others’ memoirs. I was surprised that I actually felt a kinship with Deena as I read her stories of dealing with fatigue and injury. I felt like I’ve learned a lot of those same lessons while dealing with MS, and maybe that’s why I’ve come to love running so much. Even though I’ll never be considered fast, the challenge of running with MS will always drive me. I have a 10k coming up in June that I definitely need to start getting ready for, and I’m hoping to run a half marathon in the fall. Reading Deena’s book brought back my own memories of training, and I realized how much I miss it. I’m just praying that my health and legs can remain stable and allow me to continue.

Deep thoughts, Disability, Domestic Engineer, Dreams, Food, Health, Kids, Marriage, Multiple Sclerosis, Parenting, Running, Stories, Writing

Velvet Hammers

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This morning I was up with the kids getting ready for school, as usual. I even stayed up after they left and worked on some grocery lists for my husband to pick up later in the week. By 10 I was exhausted so I ate a small something and went back to bed. Slept a solid 2 hours. Well, I woke up part way through but was so groggy and my legs felt like cement, so I went back to sleep for a bit longer. I had a dream where I was in an office, chatting with a coworker. She was talking about having been journaling, and how it turned into a blog post. At my request, she shared her blog with me and then I told her how much I missed writing. It was an oddly normal interaction. Usually my dreams are much stranger.

It’s true though. I miss writing. I also miss working, but not in the way I used to. Not anymore with the delusions that I will someday be able to work. Especially not after this latest wave of fatigue. This one hit hard on a Wednesday, eight days before my infusion. Have you ever heard the term, “velvet hammer”? I remember hearing it when I was young. My dad used to use it in reference to the effects of Nyquil. It’s a soft but effective blow that knocks you on your feet and prevents you from getting up. That’s the way fatigue has been acting this past week. It hits, knocks me out for awhile, I sleep, I get up and do necessary things super slowly, and then it hits again. Thankfully it hasn’t been constant, but it’s frustratingly unpredictable. This is a reminder to myself that I cannot hold a job. I can’t be counted on for much. Every commitment is always a maybe with me. My family counts on me for food and clean towels, but not a whole lot more. They can see when I’m fatiguing and hold back on the requests. I’m thankful for that.

We hosted Easter dinner yesterday for my in-laws and I was so grateful to be able to have them in my home and to feed them a delicious meal, but I’m paying for it today. It’s the price of living life.

The thing is, I do recognize I have choices. I could choose to say no to all the social functions, and I sometimes do. I can say no to the dinners with friends and family, weekly prayer and Bible studies and then I would likely not have such debilitating fatigue. But I don’t want to miss out on living my life. I don’t want to miss out on interactions with my friends and family. So if this is the price I have to pay, so be it. I’ll ride this horrific roller coaster and suffer the lows to experience the highs.

An email came through this morning from an MS newsletter asking “what is your biggest hurdle?” Fatigue. Hands down, fatigue is my biggest hurdle. All the other damage MS has caused? Vision loss, hearing loss, cognitive dysfunction. I can deal with that, I can still find a way to be me. The fatigue, however, takes me out of my body and mind and leaves me a shell of who I was. Hate is a strong word but it applies here. I hate what fatigue takes away from me. The ability to do the things I want to do. Care for my family, laugh with my friends, write for my soul. It’s as if I’m in a waking coma. When I was super sick in 2013 and sleeping 20 hours a day? It didn’t really bother me because I wasn’t conscious. It was everyone around me whose hearts were breaking. But with fatigue, I am fully aware that life is happening all around me, and I’m unable to be a part of it. That’s hard, folks.

I realize this post is dark. It definitely took a turn, and I don’t want to bring you down. But this is my blog, after all, so if you can’t deal, feel free to move along. It’s fine. I won’t be hurt. I think I’m just trying to get back to authentic writing and this felt like something worth sharing. From journal to blog. Weird, I know, but it worked for the lady in my dream. The whole point of my blog is to give you a glimpse of my life with M.S. (and running, which is kind of still happening, more on that another time) and the real truth is that I have bad days but I also have good days, and I’ll try to keep talking about both. MS has altered my life 180 degrees from where I thought it would be, but I’ve been able to find joy and strength in so many unexpected ways. So stay tuned, if you dare, and I hope to share more of those things too. Soon. But for now, I might go back for nap #2…

Cochlear implant, Exercise, Family, Food, Health, Kids, Photos, Running, Stories

Goals, and a bit of honesty

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So. For the month of March I had attempted to go without sugar. The processed stuff of course; I did not abstain from eating fruit. Girl needs her fiber, you know? I made it 3 weeks, and here’s why. It really didn’t seem to make that big of a difference! I had been warned that I would go through a brief period of withdrawal, headaches, mood swings, etc. I had none of that. I expected to lose some weight. That didn’t happen either. My conclusion? Maybe I don’t really eat that much sugar. So after 3 weeks of this mild deprivation, I gave up the experiment. And again, nothing really changed. The only thing I really learned is to be more aware of what foods contain added sugars and how much. And I will continue to try and avoid those things as much as possible, but I don’t think I’ll go completely cold turkey again. I love donuts too much.

My new goal, for the month of April, is to complete some sort of exercise every single day. I’m 5 days in, and I’ve only missed one day, but I got right back on track the next day. This missed day was Friday. I just couldn’t will myself to do anything, I was so tired. However, upon reflection I realized the reason I was so tired was because on Thursday I went for a run during the day, and that night I went swing dancing and then to karaoke. So couple a late night with two forms of exercise, and I think I earned that pass for Friday. It’s my game, so I’m going to allow it. Moving on.

Today I ran two miles to the convenience store to buy myself a belated birthday donut (my birthday was in March, the no sugar month, which in hindsight was not very well thought out). While on the way I decided I would also buy donuts for my kids and then just walk the 2 miles back. I did not feel like running while holding a bag of donuts. So I completed 4 miles, half running, half walking. Decent workout. My legs will thank me tomorrow. And the kids were pleasantly surprised about the treats.

So, I need to be real honest here. I went most of the winter without much running. I didn’t do much strength training either. However, I have been slowly starting to get back to the gym for strength training, and I occasionally get out there for a run. Michigan has really been struggling to let spring in, because even when the temps are reasonable, the wind brings them right back down. One, I don’t like wind because my cochlear implants make it extremely loud and that’s just annoying. Two, it’s cold man!! Running helps my body warm up in most places, but my face and fingers and toes still end up chilled to the bone and it just makes me grumpy. It does not make for enjoyable running. Of course, I’m still grateful to be able to run but I seem to remember having more joy with it, and I can’t seem to find that yet. I need a race on my calendar to get excited about. I’m working on it. All my runs have been short, 2-3 miles, and that doesn’t really get me out of my neighborhood. I want to be free! I want to explore the trails! Get me away from the road, I want to run by some people walking their adorable dogs! I’m reminiscing my marathon training days, and longing for that feeling again. Not that I have plans to run another marathon anytime soon. A half, maybe. We’ll see. I definitely want to do more 5ks and 10ks, but only if they involve fun swag. I’ll never win these races, and I can run at home for free, so good swag is a must for me.

So yeah, goals. Limiting sugar and exercising regularly are two things I’ve really been working at to keep myself as healthy as possible. It’s what I’ve gotta do to fight disease progression, and I think it’s going pretty well. Most days I feel pretty good. I still tire super quickly and take a long time to recover, but at least I’m having those moments where I’m able to be more present with the people I love. These are good things. While I’ll never say I’m thankful to have M.S., I’m always grateful for what I’ve learned from the challenges it throws at me every day.

Coffee, Daily Snippets, Domestic Engineer, Family, Housekeeping, Multiple Sclerosis, Running

Weekly Post #9 – December 13, 2024

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Tired of my daily updates yet? I am, a little, but I’m going to keep it up for awhile. Today was mostly uneventful, but we had some wins. I slept late, until 10:30, because I’m still recovering from three consecutive days of full activity. I was feeling really sore, and my legs were hurting a little from the cold weather outside, but I took a shower and that warmed me up a bit, so it relieved the pain. Nerve pain is no fun, but I’m glad that heat and movement are two things that help.

After my shower I went downstairs to make my coffee and loaded the dishwasher. If you see me going to bed with a stack of dirty dishes left in the sink, that’s a clear signal that I’m dealing with fatigue. I am really bothered by dirty dishes and will usually take care of them as soon as I can, so when I don’t there’s usually something wrong. But, I tend to have a bit more energy in the mornings, so this morning I just took care of them while my coffee brewed.

And then! Then, I started a movie on my laptop and started wrapping Christmas presents. This is not a fun project, ever, but it is one that feels great to have done. I finished after four hours, right as my daughter was coming home from school. Also this evening we finally decorated the tree that’s been sitting bare in our living room for the last 6 days. I guess this means I’m ready for Christmas. Next week I’ll wrap the last of the presents, make batches of puppy chow and roasted pecans.

With me being so busy and it being so cold outside, I haven’t done any running in a bit, but it’s not for lack of thinking about it. I’m sure once it slows down a bit I’ll get back out there. Cold weather runs are really difficult to get yourself out for, but they are always exhilarating and rewarding. Hopefully next week.

Anyway, that’s my update. I’m off to bed!

Daily Snippets, Funny story, Low vision, Photos, Running

Where are my glasses?

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The other day I went for a run. Just before I left the house I was looking for my reading glasses in order to choose the music to stream from my phone. When I wear contacts it makes me far-sighted, so reading glasses are a necessity. When I run I often can’t read my Garmin watch well because I don’t have magic telescoping arms. I couldn’t find the glasses but I was able to manage without, so I left the house knowing I would surely find them later. I ran an easy 2.2 miles around the neighborhood. When I came back I grabbed my giant water bottle and went out on the deck with the dogs – our usual post-run routine. When I set my phone and water bottle down on the ledge of the deck I happened to glance down just enough to notice… my glasses were hanging from my collar. They had been there all along! I was surprised they hadn’t fallen off while I ran and chuckled to myself. Then obviously went back inside and snapped this selfie so I could show you how obvious and ridiculous it was that they were hiding in plain sight the whole time.

Running is going well. I’m taking it easy and focusing more on consistency and speed rather than piling on the miles. Only one race officially on the books, and that isn’t until March. It’s a 5k so my aim is to see if I can break my personal record (PR) from the 2019 Turkey Trot. That time was 34:03, which is ridiculous fast for me. I ran the whole thing terrified of tripping or getting knocked over, so I’m sure adrenaline played a huge role in my speed. That was before I had purchased the deaf/blind vest and to be honest, that was probably the reason I got the vest in the first place. I knew I would feel a lot safer with that information displayed for other runners. I’m currently in the process of getting trained to use a white cane for very similar reasons, but that’s a whole other post. I’m sure you’ll hear about that from me later.

I’ve got some other stuff rolling around in my head to write about so until then, shalom y’all…