Category Archives: Multiple Sclerosis

Books, Multiple Sclerosis, Running

Week 11 Marathon Training 2.0

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Week 11! Right? I feel like I’m losing track. I am keeping notes, however, so you’re getting that at least. This week was not a lot of running. Looking at the calendar, I realized next week is my Tysabri infusion, so the fatigue was not unexpected. Not welcome either, but this week I seemed to be better emotionally about accepting it as a part of my life. I did a lot more walking than running, and when I did run I was encouraged that my legs still knew what to do and I still feel strong. Here’s your recap:

>Sunday: 0.38 mile walk with the dogs

>Monday: 0.76 mile walk with the dogs AND leg day at the gym. I happily use the seated leg press, calf extension, seated leg curl, hip abduction, hip adduction, and glute machines.

>Tuesday: Treadmill walk for 55 minutes (2.24 miles)

>Thursday*: Treadmill run/walk for 80 minutes (4.10 miles)

>Friday: 2.24 full loop around the ‘hood. Great weather this day, 70 and sunny. My only frustration is that the nozzle on my new water bottle fell off while I was running, but I survived without it.

>Saturday: 5 miles around the neighborhood. Since my new, larger water bottle was now busted (and on its way back to Amazon), I had to use my smaller one and stop at home to refill part way through, but again, I survived. I absolutely loved my pace on this run and I’m encouraged that the strength training I’ve been doing seems to be helping with my running.

*Thursday was rough. Usually I struggle to get started, but once I start I’m great at continuing until I reach my goal time or distance. On this day I was struggling to continue. I messaged my mom and sister to get “permission” to quit after 20 minutes or so. I’m so thankful they wouldn’t give it to me. My sister challenged me to take a break, refuel, and then get back on the treadmill. So that’s what I did! I ate a delicious sweet potato, loaded up the audiobook I was in the middle of listening to (one of my Sasha McCandless legal thrillers) and got back to walking. While walking at one point I looked at my timer to check how much time I had left to walk/run, and I had 33 minutes to go. Then I glanced at the audiobook and saw I had exactly 33 minutes left in the book! How awesome is that? It was exactly the motivation I needed to keep me on track to reach my goal of 80 minutes on my feet.

If this post feels a little choppy and disorganized, I apologize. Fatigue is both physical and mental. And it sucks. When I have weeks like this one, I get so scared that I’m not going to be ready for this race, or that I’ll lose some of the fitness and function I’ve built up so far. I didn’t become a runner until after I had M.S., so I don’t know what’s “normal” for running. Not only was I not a runner, I wasn’t any sort of athlete. But as I chat with others in the running community, I’m encouraged that most of my worries and hiccups are indeed very normal, and not exclusive to someone with M.S. But also, I do still have the added challenge of that diagnosis, and training for this race is teaching me more and more to respect my body and it’s capabilities. So there’s that. I just hope it returns the favor on race day.

That’s all for this (last?) week’s update. When I get some energy back maybe I’ll ramble on about all my foot issues. Doesn’t that sound fun? Maybe not, lol. For now, here are the stats: 12.48 miles traveled this week, 174.46 total miles marathon training. Add that to the 193 miles ran for the half marathon and you have 367.46 miles I’ve banked to get ready for the full in October. Yee. Ha.

Disability, Exercise, Family, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Music, Photos, Running, Stories

Week #10 Marathon Training 2.0

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This week, again, did not go as planned. But I still made a lot of progress and I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished over all these years of running. Over the past 10 years I’ve gone from barely walking to not only becoming a runner but also running ridiculously long distances. I’ve had to really bring the memories of my major MS relapses to mind in order to motivate myself to keep going, despite being unable to follow the plan to the letter. I tend to forget why I signed up for this marathon, why I committed to all this training. I wonder if I’ll be able to continue, if I’m physically capable. And then I get out there and run and I’m reminded of how strong I’ve become and how important this has become.

So here’s the recap.

Strength training: I did not have a chance to get to the gym for leg workouts, but I managed to get a lot of squats in at home in between scanning old documents. I’m on a decluttering kick since getting my hutch refurbished. Creativity wins!

Run #1: I ran on Monday, just a quick lap around the neighborhood. I went down every cul-de-sac and street, which turns out is a total distance of 2.24 miles. Handy information to have sometimes. When I returned home I hung out with the dogs on the deck, which they love. Our golden retriever, Punky, loves to lick all the salty sweat off my skin! I don’t let her, but she tries. Shown in the photo below, I was trying for a sweaty selfie but she was more interested in licking my face.

Run #2: Timing and weather and me not wanting to get out of bed early enough meant I was back on the treadmill. A planned 75 minutes for a total of 5.02 miles. On my last 10 minutes or so I decided to run through the walk interval. I was feeling strong and anxious to finish. The cool thing was that a song I had just added to my playlist that morning, Run Like a Rebel by The Score, came on just as I started my last interval. It gave me a boost of happy feelings so I finished the run on a good note.

Run #3: Welp. I was gonna run 20 miles. Really didn’t want to. My husband helped talk me up some and gladly offered to drop me off at the gym. I had learned you could change the timing on the treadmills, so I was hoping to run the whole 20 in one session, but found once I got there that you could change the timing, but the max was 99 minutes. Just like my treadmill at home. Oh well, at least they have better displays there. And way more fans blowing cool air.

I started, ran my first 99 minutes. Actually, they allow a five minute cool down, so I just sped the treadmill up and went for an even 100. Took a photo, marked my time, refilled my water bottle, pulled out my protein bar and an extra pack of gummy electrolytes, and started a second session. I started the second session feeling awesome, rocking out to my tunes, and made it 52 minutes. Out of nowhere it was as if a razor blade or sharp piece of plastic had magically appeared in my shoe. I had to stop immediately. For several embarrassing seconds I was wondering what had happened. Then it dawned on me… a blister had popped on the side of my middle toe. See, I’ve been running with my big toe buddy taped to my second toe. That buddy tape rubs against my middle toe. After 10.1 miles, I guess it was too much friction. I went to the locker rooms to inspect the damage, shoved some toilet paper in between my toes to cover the open wound, and walked gingerly back to the treadmill. I tried to walk, then slowly jog, but it was far too painful. After much internal deliberation, I decided I needed to call it quits. I called my husband to come pick me up and resolved to give my toe a break and get the miles in some other time. Again.

This time, however, I wasn’t quite as disappointed about missing the miles. Because I was paying attention to what I was actually able to do. I ran 10 miles Saturday and I still had life in me. I still had energy and strength available to keep running if it hadn’t been for the popped blister. And now I have something new to learn: how to prevent and care for blisters! Which is something I need to know. Because as my sister had shared with me (ironically, just the day before) something she heard on a running podcast: “Didn’t you think your feet were going to hurt?” Yes, yes they will. Deal with it and move on, sister. We’ve got more miles to go.

This week I ran 17.71 miles altogether. I also did a whole lot of squats, some good walking, and pulled a thigh muscle playing Pie Face (I startle way too easily). Total half marathon miles, 193. Full marathon miles, 161.98. Grand total full marathon miles to date: 354.98. We’re still moving forward folks! One step, one punch, one round at a time.

Exercise, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running

Week #9 Marathon Training 2.0

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Training for a race does not always go as planned. This week was definitely an example of that. A lot happened, not to me, but to friends and family I love, and I had to put running on the back burner to be there for them. And that’s okay. I think I was needing the break from running anyway, so it worked out just fine.

I managed to squeeze in one run last week, 5.02 miles on the treadmill to avoid the heat. It took me at least half a dozen tries to get a photo of the digits on my treadmill because when you stop, the display blinks. So that was a fun exercise in patience.

I also got a leg workout in on Monday at the gym. I think I could have pushed harder on leg day, because I wasn’t sore at all the next day. I keep track of the weights I use on each machine, so I’ll be sure to increase it next week. Usually after a hard, productive workout you feel it the next day and you shrug/smile because you know your muscles are getting stronger as they are healing from the hurt. Oh! If that isn’t a metaphor for life, I don’t know what is.

I did see my primary doctor and talked about the pains that show up when I’m running for long distances. He said to keep wearing the ankle brace and the knee strap, and that should protect those areas from damage. As long as the pain is manageable and goes away with rest, I shouldn’t have anything to worry about long term. When I asked about the big toe he told me what I was experiencing was called “turf toe” and gave me some exercises to work on at home. When I continued to ask questions he agreed to refer me for x-rays in both the toe and the ankle to be sure that there wasn’t any underlying damage there. It was nice to have some professional input to allay my fears.

So that was my week. Not very exciting as far as the marathon training goes. This next week I end with a 20 miler, and I’m strategizing the best way to get that accomplished so stay tuned for that. My subtotal of marathon training is now 144.27, with a grand total of 337.27 once you add in the half marathon training miles. 69 days to race day!

Disability, Exercise, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Running

Thoughts on last weekend’s running

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I left yesterday’s marathon training update on a gloomy note. I was still disappointed in myself for not being able to complete the planned 17 miles. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and reading. I get these articles aimed at the MS community, and two came in the last few days talking about heat intolerance and multiple sclerosis. This is not a new concept to me, I’ve known all along that as someone with MS, I need to be careful about the heat. I guess I just sort of forgot, you know? Because of the damage MS has done to my central nervous system, my body is more sensitive to heat. Even a slight increase in core body temperature can cause my nerves to misfire, leaving me with pseudo flare-ups, fatigue and muscle weakness. So. The fact that I am attempting to run all these crazy long miles in 70-80 degree heat is a little bit foolish. No, it’s more than that. It’s pretty damn stupid. Probably dangerous. Definitely a bad idea. So I’m giving my overachiever self a little slap on the wrist, and telling her to find a different way to accomplish her training. It can still be done. We have access to treadmills and fans and air conditioning. Sure, it’s not as scenic or entertaining, but it’s also only temporary. Summer is quickly coming to a close, and then we can get back out and run on those lovely trails. Okay, Mel? Work smarter, not harder. Now carry on. Lecture over.

Cochlear implant, Deafness, Exercise, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Visually Impaired

Week #8 Marathon training 2.0

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  • First run of the week, 75 minutes, 5.4 miles

My second run of the week almost didn’t happen. I had a lot going on this week, I guess. However, thanks to my new gym membership, I was able to get it done after dinner! The display on their machines is nice and bright and easy to read, but it shuts off after 65 minutes so that’s all I ran that day.

I love running by this house. They have a water bowl set out in the front yard and the sign above it reads, “Water for your dog! Or short people with low standards. We don’t judge.”

Hallelujah the bridge is not flooded!
So stoked to be able to continue on the trail
Gorgeous views
Shining water, and some ducks I believe

I really was having fun on this Saturday long run. I was so excited to see that the bridge wasn’t flooded, even though it had been raining that morning. It looks like they put new pavement in to raise the trail up a bit, and that’s likely why it stayed dry. It allowed me to continue on the trail, which made me pretty happy. It’s a really nice trail. Lots of wild flowers blooming, and I heard a lot of birds chirping. Didn’t see any bunnies though.

Since I had to delay starting my run due to the rain, the temperature caught up with me. It was up around 80 degrees even before I was halfway done, and I was slowing down considerably. I was finishing up my 11th mile and was on a long stretch of trail that had zero shade. I had been keeping up on my run/walk intervals but it was on this trail that I could no longer run. On one of my 60 second walk breaks I quickly realized I was in no shape to start running again. I knew my body would not be able to carry me another 6 miles. I called my husband and he came to pick me up.

I tried to tell myself this was not a failure, nor me giving up. This was me making a wise decision to protect my health and wellbeing. I still have lots of training left to do, and I’m still getting stronger. But I still worry some, because I really want to do well at this marathon. Whatever well means for me, anyway. Better than the first one, I guess.

I’m still worried about injuries. My knee, my ankle, my big toe. All of these problem areas are doing mostly okay, as long as I run with protection. I wrap the ankle and the knee, and I buddy tape the big toe. It all seems to be preventing injury but I’m planning on talking to my doctor this week to be sure.

So Saturday’s run turned out to only be 11 miles, not 17. I tried to get the remaining 6 miles in today, but it was again too hot and I have been dealing with stomach issues so I only got in an extra 2. Total mileage for the week was 22.78 which still isn’t too shabby, right? Half marathon training miles of 193 plus 139.25 marathon training miles brings me to a total of 332.25 miles. There are 77 days to the marathon and many more miles to train! Let’s goooo!

Exercise, Family, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Stories, Vacation

Marathon Training Week #7

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This week was interesting. I feel like I said that last week, but it’s true. They all have a little different flavor from the previous. This first photo you’ll see below is after a happy 5.08 mile run. I ran for a planned 70 minutes, and that’s the distance I ended with, in case those of you who like round numbers are annoyed. This was Tuesday, and I ran into town and turned around at 35 minutes (halfway, if you’re following). This run felt STRONG. I had no trouble with breathing or pain. My knee and ankle braces WORK! They supported my knee and ankle as they were designed to. Not only was I pain-free during the run, but I didn’t have any lingering soreness afterward.

Tuesday's Sweaty Selfie

This week I joined a local gym to take advantage of the weight machines so I can build some muscle, in my legs primarily. My son has a membership and he had been encouraging me to go, knowing I had been talking about finding ways to do some strength training to support my running. So instead of running Thursday we went together for Leg Day. I tried out all the machines and I was definitely feeling the burn the next couple of days! I think this is a good thing to incorporate into my training and will help me to increase my endurance without injuring myself. As long as I don’t push myself too hard. There’s a fine balance there, of course.

Then there is the “long run”. Which for this week, was a break from last week, so I only ran 4 miles. Also, I ran it a day early because we were taking the kids out of town for the weekend to do some exploring. Knowing I only needed to complete 4 miles, I pushed the pace a bit with this one, and it felt awesome. Again, I was feeling strong and had no issues. Look at my face though! I don’t even see any sweat. I was definitely feeling good here.

Friday's Sweaty Selfie

I mentioned that my family was going exploring over the weekend, and I plan to write a full post about it, but I’ll tell you we did a little bit of hiking. More than anticipated, however. I’m glad I wore my knee band, because they would have had to call a park medic to pull me out of the woods. I didn’t think to officially track our hiking, but according to my Garmin step counter, we hiked around 10 miles on Saturday. Yowza! Stay tuned, and I’ll tell you all about that later.

Saturday we did some hiking!

This week I ran a total of 9.08 miles but if you include an estimated 10 miles of hiking (which I am, cuz dammit that counts) that’s 19.08 miles in the books! 140.57 miles for this portion of the training + 193 half marathon training comes to a total 333.47 miles counting towards getting ready for this marathon. Next week’s menu includes strength training, a couple 75 minute runs and a 17 miler. Can she do it, folks? Or will she chicken out and go back to bed? Time will tell. Stay tuned!

Books, Exercise, Health, Multiple Sclerosis, Music, Photos, Running, Stories

Week 6 2023 Marathon Training

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Well, this week of training turned out to be quite interesting! I started off with a leisurely walk on Sunday and ended with a whopping 15 mile run on Friday.

My Sunday walk I saw three rabbits, and I got pictures but only one was halfway decent, so that’s what you have below. Along with a picture of yours truly, of course.

This bunny was nice enough to stand still for a photo!

Tuesday and Thursday I ran mostly up the main road and less around the neighborhood, so I didn’t see any more rabbits, but I did run into a neighbor walking with her daughter and her dog, so I stopped to chat for a bit. That was a nice cap to Thursday’s run!

Here’s me after successfully taking photos of the bunnies before they all ran away.

Now let’s talk about the long run. First of all, I had to run on Friday since we had plans on Saturday and Sunday. Secondly, I had planned to run outdoors but at 6 am Friday the forecast showed possible thunderstorms. I did not want to take the risk of getting caught in a storm, so I pivoted to running on the treadmill. I really dislike treadmill running but mostly because I get so hot. So for this run I put a box fan next to the treadmill and that made it a lot more tolerable. This week the long run called for 15 miles. My treadmill automatically resets after 99.99 minutes of activity (remember Y2K??) so I knew I was going to have to break it down into smaller increments, which actually helped mentally as well as logistically. Three sets of 5, no big deal!

It really wasn’t a big deal. I ran a strong and steady pace for most of the run. I listened to The Princess Bride audiobook for the first 10 miles (if you loved the movie, I highly recommend the book) and then listened to my 90s music station on Pandora for the last 5. The farthest distance I have run since training for my first marathon in 2021 is the half marathon, at 13.1 miles. So you can guess that my body really struggled after hitting 13 miles and I really had to fight to keep going for those last two. But, I finished, and I’m happy I did. Now I get two weeks of rest before the next long run, which will be 17 miles. Yikes!

I was so happy to have completed those miles but my body sure took a hit. I think I hadn’t consumed enough calories so I was struggling to get enough protein and carbs back in my system before showering and collapsing on the bed for a good nap. Also, I’m having considerable pain in my right foot, originating from my big toe which I’m confident I sprained during my half marathon training and a brief experiment I had with barefoot running. It only hurt for awhile after that experiment, but I believe 15 miles was sufficient enough to aggravate it again. So I’m doing all the things. Resting, Icing, Compression, Elevation. And praying that it heals quickly so I can continue with my training. If it’s not showing improvement by Monday I may call the doctor and see about getting it looked at. But I’ll cross that bridge when and if I get there.

By the way, it never did storm. I think we got a few sprinkles but no storms after all. I could have run outside, dang it! Oh well, maybe next time.

Almost forgot the mileage…
This week I ran 25.11 miles for a subtotal of 97.39 miles since official marathon training started, and when you add it with my half marathon it comes to a whopping 290.39 miles. One. Step. At. A. Time.

Multiple Sclerosis, Running

Week 5 2023 Marathon Training

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I have to say, this week went better than the last, but it was also a planned easy week. Instead of a super long run on Saturday, I ran a quick 4 miles with one of those miles at the magic mile pace. What is the magic mile? Well, to be completely honest, I don’t understand all that well and I’m sure I’m not doing it correctly. I’m following a training plan by Jeff Galloway, and he uses the magic mile to predict what your race pace should be for each distance (5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon, etc.). He has a method for finding out your magic mile using a track. I do have access to a track now that the junior high up the road is closed for the summer, but I haven’t made it up there to figure out what my magic mile is. So I improvised by just running hard for that one mile (something a little less than a sprint). It actually felt really great, and I was able to run the remaining miles without pain or struggle. I do feel like I’m getting stronger, and slightly faster, so that’s encouraging.

My mid-week runs went well also. My right knee still feels a teensy bit aggravated, so I’m keeping an eye on that. I borrowed a different kind of knee brace from a friend and I’m going to see if it helps any more than the one I’ve been using. I’m also doing a lot of squats and step exercises to try to get those muscles stronger.

This training plan is a little different than the one I followed in 2021 for my first marathon. The mid-week runs are based on time, not distance, so I’m actually running more miles during the week than last time, and I kind of like that. I feel like it is more of a gradual build-up of miles this way, and I think that may be a safer way for these legs of mine to build the necessary endurance.

This week I saw a total of 6 bunnies on my runs: one on Tuesday, one on Saturday, and 4 on Thursday! Also, while I was out chasing rabbits I managed to log 13.33 miles, leaving me with 72.28 total training miles (or 265.28 if you’re including my half marathon training). Next week I’ll be running 15 miles on Saturday so wish me luck! I’m super nervous but I’m going to do my best to trust the training and just enjoy myself out there.

Exercise, Hearing Loss, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Running, Visually Impaired

Week 4 Marathon Training

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Week 4 did not go as planned. Thankfully, I’m stil early in my training and can make adjustments as they are needed. Tuesday’s short run turned out to be a long walk, because I was having some abdominal cramping. Thursday’s run was relocated to the treadmill due to the high AQI (Air Quality Index) in our area. Canada is still battling wildfires and the smoke has been so far reaching it’s affected much of Michigan. So I stayed indoors to be safe, but when I got on the treadmill I was having a really hard time getting my legs going, so I ended up walking the bulk of the time just like Tuesday. These long walks didn’t exactly set me up well for Saturday’s planned 13 mile run.

I watched the AQI closely all day Friday, and I was reluctantly prepared to run 13 miles on the treadmill. However, when I woke up Saturday morning, the AQI had fallen to a safe level so I happily filled my hydration vest and headed out the door!

It took me about 3 or 4 miles to really wrap my head and heart around this run. My legs were feeling clunky and sluggish, but I persisted. I think it was at the end of my 4th mile when I really felt like I was moving smoothly and I was actually enjoying myself. I was especially happy that the trail as it goes under the highway was not flooded, which gained me access to the bridge (pictured below) and of course more scenic trail to run.

I reached my turnaround point at 6.5 miles and paused for a selfie (below). Can you see I’m still smiling? I had shared smiles with a lot of passing bikers and dog walkers by this point and was feeling pretty great.

A little farther down the trail after my halfway point I was still feeling good! I was not worried about my time, and I made a point to stop and get these pictures of the beautiful spots along the way. In the past I’ve been so driven with my training runs I was not stopping much to enjoy the scenery. I’m glad I did this day because I have them as a reminder that the long run was *mostly* good.

But then, after I hit 9ish miles I started to slow down. I noticed a sharp pain forming on the inside of my left knee. Being cautious, I walked for awhile, hoping it would calm down. It did not calm down. As I walked I weighed my options. I could walk the 3 miles home, taking shortcuts where I could, or I could call and have my husband pick me up. By 10 miles I decided I didn’t want to risk permanent injury, and I called my husband. I hate doing this. My pride hurt almost worse than my knee did.

When this sort of thing happens I panic a bit. I am 45 years old with M.S. I have only been running for 8 years. What am I thinking? Am I pushing my body past what it is capable of doing? Am I going to break myself beyond repair and have to drop out of the marathon, or worse, never be able to run again? I don’t have good answers to these questions, but I am not quitting. Not even close. I am stubborn as hell, and I will continue working towards my goal until I am forced to stop. So I’m taking this week not as a failure, but as a learning lesson. What can I do different in my training? What can I change up in my strategy that allows me to build endurance more safely? My brother suggested breaking up my long runs into two shorter runs on the same day, and I may try that on the next one. I’m researching all things “marathon training” and am eager to learn more. (If you have knowledge and suggestions, I’m all ears!)

What I wanted to share was a thought I had after passing that 4 mile mark. It’s hard to describe without sounding corny, but miles 5 through 9 felt like bliss. I felt so free and comfortable in my body, which is no small miracle. Ever since losing my hearing and vision, I have had to accept the general unease I feel on a constant basis. Not hearing well, not seeing well, this is a difficult state to be living in. It causes me a great deal of anxiety and frustration and I still struggle with that daily. So to feel so *comfortable* out on the trails, after having run that many miles, was amazing. I felt as if I was exactly where I belonged. And to think that I hated running prior to 2016, and I really only started as a “what if I could?” experiment. Running has been such a gift and miracle in my life and I hope to keep at it as long as my legs keep allowing me to.

So to recap, I ran (and/or walked) 16.49 miles this week for a grand total (including my half marathon training and race) of 251.95 miles. Week 4 is complete and I have 15 weeks to go! Stay tuned folks, and we’ll be back next week for another update from Marathon Mel 🙂

Books, Multiple Sclerosis, Photos, Stories, Visually Impaired

Grieving has no expiration

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Yesterday was a weird day. We had attended our nephew’s wedding the night before, and thoroughly exhausted, I slept in until 10 am. Not to mention, my monthly infusion is coming up on Thursday, so I’m already battling fatigue. Yet, I had a growing urge to purge some things that by early afternoon I was unable to ignore. My bedroom doubles as my office, until the kids are grown and move out. In the corner I have this old secretary hutch that I use as a desk. Until yesterday, the shelves were filled with my favorite books. I haven’t been able to read normal books since I lost my vision in 2013. Ten years ago. At that time, I went through a major purge of our old house and got rid of most of my books. The survivors have been staring at me night and day from this hutch’s shelves. Yesterday I was feeling an overwhelming urge to finally say goodbye.

This turned out to be a lot more difficult than I expected. Grieving has no expiration date.

As I dusted off each book I flipped through the pages, remembering the stories, but it was more than that. These were not literary classics. John Grisham, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Gilda Radner. An eclectic mix, for sure. It wasn’t the stories that I was grieving. It was the life I had pre-disability. Which is not to say I’m ungrateful for my life now. My disabilities have brought surprising blessings, and I am grateful for all of it. But you can feel more than one feeling at a time, it turns out. You can be grateful but also sad.

So that’s what yesterday was. It was a day to feel sad. I finished packing up my books and I repurposed the hutch’s shelving. I cleaned up the mess I had created and once I had everything put in order I laid down on my bed and let myself cry. That sadness had been building all afternoon and I just had to let it out. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to feel those ugly unpleasant feelings. Process, move them through, then move on.

And I did. When I had finished crying I got up, took a deep breath, and started making dinner for my family. So now it’s tomorrow and I’m so happy with my updated office area. It looks fantastic, and it’s a nice clean space now for me to work and write. I look forward to using it every day. My vision loss is permanent, and I don’t believe I’ll ever be 100% done with grieving the loss of it, but I’m thankful that these moments come less and less often, and that I can still wake up and find joy in what I do have. Peace, my friends. Shalom.