I am not the best at cooking. I’ve never enjoyed it, and that has always deterred me from trying. I think for most, cooking is a learned skill that rarely comes naturally. You get better with practice. However, I do like to bake, and I do like to make food for people if it makes them happy. Food = love, right?
I recently attended a weekend retreat with the women in my church, and I brought a pan of homemade rice krispie treats. I love rice krispie treats, and homemade are not only the best tasting, they are fairly simple and quick to make. And they are gluten free! Which made the handful of ladies from my church who are strictly gluten free, very happy.
But also, I’ve been on a weird kick lately of trying new things in my kitchen. It started when I saw a recipe for homemade granola. I eat granola pretty regularly, but I really shudder at the price of it in the stores. So when I saw that I had all the ingredients for this recipe, I jumped at the chance. And you know what? It was so easy, so delicious, and plentiful! I am going to save so much money on granola.
That got me thinking… if I can save money by making my own granola, maybe I can save on making my own yogurt too? My all-in-one Ninja cooker has a yogurt function, and I’ve always been a bit curious. So I tried that out too. Only the recipe I found used the dehydrate function, but it worked just the same. I learned about straining yogurt, and am now the proud owner of cheesecloth. I’m 46 and I’m still building my homemaker arsenal.
Which leads me to another thing that’s been on my mind lately – decluttering. Maybe it is time to get rid of that 25 year old crockpot? I’ve been watching new episodes of Hoarders on Hulu, and while watching the show doesn’t result in me getting much done in my house, it does keep my mind on the topic. I need to be ruthless about getting rid of the things I never use. Really. Because having to sort through drawers and piles to find what I need is not fun, and often deters me from starting joyful projects in the first place. So that’s going on my goal list for the next season. Tossing stuff.
So, while I’m over here being Miss Susie Homemaker it’s been a nice distraction from the mess that was our Presidential election. Woah baby. I was conflicted going into it, and am grieved coming out of it. I’m just hearing so many of my friends and loved ones who are hurting and scared. I think most of us could admit we didn’t have great options to choose from, so there are people on both sides who are conflicted. And then there are people like myself, who don’t really align much with either side and just want to see our country healed from all the fighting.
We are studying the book of Revelation in BSF this year, and this book was so timely for this election season. I’m blown away at how much it relates, especially given the fact that it’s an international study, not limited to the U.S. I sit in my discussion group each week with people of many colors, backgrounds, and faith histories, and I am encouraged. Encouraged that we can all come together in agreement that God still has dominion over all. We have hope in our Creator that one day He will make all things new. No more division, no more hate. And we can trust Him in all things. Time and time again He has used crummy situations to grow and teach people, and He will do it again. Because His character is one of a good and redemptive God and that fact will never change.
So I guess this post took a turn for the serious, and I apologize if that was too much for you. Go grab a cup of coffee and do some coloring. Take good care of yourself and then go out and help someone else. It will do your heart good, I promise.
Category Archives: Friends
My very brief “75 Hard” journey and what I learned
I don’t know if any of you have heard of “75 Hard” but it’s this bazonkers challenge that some guy made up a few years ago, and it seems to have quite the following.
The challenge is this: For 75 consecutive days you must complete the following tasks:
1) Drink one gallon of water
2) Follow a diet of your choosing, no cheat days!
3) Read 10 pages of a nonfiction book
4) Complete two non-consecutive 45-minute workouts, 1 of which must be outdoors
5) Take a progress picture
If you miss any of the tasks even once, you have to start all over again on Day One. Oof.
A good friend of mine completed this challenge a couple years ago, and she is now working the challenge once again. When she did it the first time, I seriously gave it some thought but never did anything with it. This second time I felt compelled to hop on and give it a shot.
Now a couple of these things were easy for me. I have been intermittent fasting since March of 2023 so following a diet wasn’t a big deal. I would just be more intentional about sticking with my chosen eating and fasting “windows”. No problem.
Reading 10 pages of nonfiction? I’m a huge reader, and 90% of what I enjoy reading is nonfiction. Again, no problem.
Taking a progress picture is a simple enough task, and thankfully no one would have to see it but me, so the trick was just to remember to do it. Easy peasy.
It’s the gallon of water and 2 daily exercises that were the real challenge for me. I don’t mind drinking water, but I prefer coffee, and that doesn’t count. So I just had to be intentional about sipping from and refilling my water bottle throughout the day. I even bought myself a larger bottle (half gallon) so I would only need to refill once during the day. However, since I had just been coming off training for the Sleeping Bear half marathon, I was already in the habit of daily hydrating so this wasn’t a huge deal.
For the exercising I was doing an outdoor walk and indoor Fitbod workout each day. That was going very well, and with all the water I was drinking, my muscles were recovering well every day. I would feel a bit of soreness but it never stuck around for long. I was feeling really good!
Y’all, I lasted 8 days. That 9th day I had a super busy day morning to night. Doctor appointment for me, orthodontist for both kids, and having to use paratransit to get everywhere means every trip takes awhile and has zero flexibility. But that wasn’t what killed the challenge for me. I had been out of town the weekend prior and the day before I came back, my husband left for a 3 day work trip. So on that bonkers day with all the appointments, that evening I just wanted to spend time with my husband. I had to make a decision – stay home and complete my workouts (because all the appointments prevented me from getting them done earlier) or ride with my husband to take our daughter to her horse riding lesson. I chose the latter, ending my 75 Hard challenge streak, and I have no regrets.
I may try again some other time, but I don’t know. I strongly felt like God had been leading me to that challenge, so I had to really ponder why. I think He was trying to show me how much my daily life had been lacking in discipline. And while 75 Hard was very much an all or nothing thing, installing discipline into your life doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to be intentional. So now I’ve been thinking a lot more about how I can maintain that intentionality but in a way that fits with my impairments and my daily life. I’m being humbled here. I need to cut out a lot of things in my life for awhile that were distracting me. I would spend hours on Facebook or Netflix or the stupid coloring app on my phone, and before I knew it, I had lost most of the day. Since I’m not working, I don’t have anyone telling me what or when things need to be done. I am the boss of my life, and I had been doing a shoddy job of it.
So I decided to make my own list:
1) Read 10 pages of a book
2) Exercise for 30 minutes
3) Drink a half gallon of water
4) Pray/study the Bible for 30 minutes
5) Write for 30 minutes
The times listed are just minimums of course. I just list them that way so I have measurable goals. I found a habit tracking app so I can keep the list in front of me and check things off as I go. It will be satisfying to see streaks of habits, but I’m allowing myself the ability to skip days if necessary. Some days my body and mind need rest, and I’m going to honor that. But I’m working really hard to not slip back into bad habits. While binging on Netflix seems like it would be restful, it’s really not. And it’s discouraging when you come off of a session of 6 episodes of Reba and realize you’ve lost your whole day, and you still need to put away that laundry you washed last Tuesday, and you have no idea what you are going to feed your people for dinner.
So yeah. I’m working on some healthy habits. I was gonna say “new” healthy habits, but then caught myself. These are not new. I’m working on some healthy habits – again. And I should say, it feels pretty damn good.
Moving forward!
Sleeping Bear Training Week 10 of 14
Well, where was I? I don’t even know what happened last week. Monday was Labor Day so the rest of the week was just… off. All week felt like I was playing catch up. Which means my training suffered, and I’m honestly very nervous I’m going to pay for it on race day, but I’m pressing forward regardless. I’ll have my guide runner with me, so if anything happens and I am unable to run, she can drag my a$$ to the finish line. Kidding. I’m really just hoping to finish without dying first.
So what training happened this past week? I ran 5 miles on Wednesday. That’s it. No more running, no strength training. However, late in the week I did start doing more leg exercises randomly throughout the day. Step-ups, squats, stuff like that. Because I need to get these legs ready for hills, and if I don’t have time to run, the least I can do is work my legs. So, I’m trying not to look at the week as a total loss.
As if to back up that assumption that the week wasn’t a total loss, last week was also my “fatigue week”, yet I only had one day of extreme fatigue, with the rest of the days feeling pretty normal energy levels (read: not struggling to move). That was definitely encouraging.
I finished the week with a trip up north with some of my closest girlfriends. We take this trip every year, and it’s such a great time of relaxing, laughing, chatting, all the things. We did a really fun thing this year and ended our time with a dune buggy ride! There are dunes near where we vacation and they run tours during the warmer months. I have lived my life in Michigan and never been on one, so it was a pretty cool experience. I am a little scaredy-pants, especially going down the hills but I survived and also really enjoyed the adventure.
The ride over the hills of the sand dunes had me thinking a lot about this race I’m training for, because it’s also over sand dunes. The Sleeping Bear Dunes in northern Michigan. I won’t be running on sand, thankfully they’ve built trails for people to trek, but the hills will be quite similar, I’m sure. I have my work cut out for me. Hopefully this coming week I’ll have more to report. We’ll see. So far it’s not looking great, but I do hope at a minimum to be able to complete a long run. I’ll let you know how it goes 😉
Trail Town 10k Report
I ran a 10k on Saturday that I only half-heartedly trained for, but I had a blast. The weather was threatening thunderstorms all week, so the days leading up to it I wasn’t sure whether to be excited or bummed or nervous. The whole time I waffled between all these emotions I was kicking myself for not securing a guide runner for myself. The race was in my hometown, and 100% on trails I’ve trained on with a friend, so I just didn’t think I would need a guide. But adding rain to the mix would change the game a bit. I can’t see puddles well, or fallen branches. Also, my cochlear implants are not waterproof, and I did not want to have to remove them and run completely deaf.
I reached out to Facebook the day before, for encouragement and advice. My Facebook friends did not disappoint. I made a plan to wear my waterproof rain hat, and bring ziploc baggies to hold my cochlear processors if the hat didn’t keep them dry. With everyone’s encouragement, and the added benefit of having my husband present for the entirety of the race, I felt confident that I could do this.
The morning of the race I had a dream I was running a half marathon, and I was killing it. Seriously kicking ass and having fun. So that was my mindset when my Garmin watch buzzed at 7:30 am. I opened my eyes and said to myself, let’s do this! I looked at the sky and the morning’s weather forecast and was pleased to see that they only expected rain up until 9 or so. No storms! I was pleased at that, for sure, but my stomach was still in knots. I was excited and nervous, as usual. My husband and I got in the truck to head to the race and I just kept focusing on my breathing, hoping to settle my stomach. As we pulled out of our neighborhood Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir came on the radio (one of my favorites) and Mike and I looked at each other with impish smiles. I said, “This is my good luck running song.” In my head I was saying “Let’s f**king go. You’ve got this.”
As predicted, it did rain for the first couple miles of the race but then it cleared up for the remainder. There are lots of wooden bridges on our local trails, and they can get pretty slick when they are wet, so I did a lot of walking on the bridges. I normally run with intermittent 30 second walk breaks, Jeff Galloway style (if you know, you know), and my Garmin watch alerts me with vibrations when it’s time to run or walk. The problem is that I didn’t verify my watch was on the correct setting before starting the race, and about a half mile into the race I realized I wasn’t getting my alerts. It was still on the walk setting. I was feeling pretty strong with the running though, and knew I would have to do all the walking over the bridges, so I decided to go with it. I would just run the whole thing, with the exception of walking on the bridges.
My last-minute strategy worked out wonderfully and I felt strong the whole race. My left leg was of course threatening to drag towards the end, but not in the way it has in the past. Certainly not as bad as the last 10k, where for the last mile I needed to maintain a constant clutch on my guide runner’s arm to keep from falling. That was the Rivertown 10k in April, and I forgot to post about it, but it was a really fun race. In spite of the leg trouble at the end. Shout out to my guide and friend Mandy for making that race way more awesome than it should have been.
I finished this race with both hands held high and a smile on my face. I searched the crowd for Mike but I couldn’t find him so I just walked unsteadily toward a clearing, and then kept walking sort of in circles to keep from falling. I was unsteady, for sure, but I was able to stay upright this time, without any assistance. I may be getting stronger, folks! As I completed a circle and was facing the finish line, I saw Mike walking towards me. He had been on the other side, so I had a 50/50 chance of seeing him, I guess. We hugged, and then walked over to the pavilion to get a banana and granola bar. A race employee came over and asked me how it went, and I blabbed that I think this was my new favorite race. And even now, I think that’s true. I know I can run those trails for free, but it’s a whole different experience when you are surrounded by other runners, you are cheering each other on, and you get a pretty sweet medal at the end.
And of course, a free banana.
Heat Wave
We’re having some hot days here in Michigan. And since we have all these lakes, that heat comes with humidity. Heat is one thing, but add in the humidity and it’s downright miserable. Ask anyone from Michigan or Florida, they’ll be happy to tell you. I stepped outside one day last week and immediately started sweating. Last week it was in the 90s, this week it’s looking to be a teensy bit cooler. It was 79 degrees Fahrenheit at 9:00 this morning, and I think reached 87. It’s one of those things we Michiganders love to complain about. It unifies us, makes us feel like we all have something in common.
But I didn’t come on here to complain about the heat. Not really. I wanted to share how the heat affects me as someone living with multiple sclerosis. This is one of the things I remember the doctors and therapists warning me about when I was first diagnosed. “Keep your core temperature down” they said, “be careful not to get overheated”. I didn’t know at the time how important that advice was, but almost 15 years with the disease and I have a thorough understanding now. My body doesn’t handle extreme temperatures well, either cold or heat. While extreme cold causes me more pain, mostly in my legs, the extreme heat is more debilitating overall. When I get overheated I often feel physically ill. My legs move more slowly, as if I’m hiking through thick mud. I’m more fatigued, and not in the cyclical way I’ve talked about with my Tysabri infusions, but more of a general moving slow. All day, every day. All summer I will need to give myself grace and know that I’ll just be doing everything a lot more slowly. Even running.
Which brings me to today’s example. I’m trying to maintain some level of fitness throughout this fatigue, but with this heat outside it’s forced me to do my running on the treadmill. And when I say running, I really mean mostly walking. It’s been a struggle. Today my plan was to try 5 miles. With two fans blowing on me at full speed and a wet handkerchief wrapped around my neck, I stepped onto my basement treadmill wearing my lightweight running shorts and sport bra. I was able to do some very slow running for portions of my run, but I mostly had to walk, and as I approached the 3rd mile I knew I wasn’t going to make it to 5. I stopped at 3 and called it good. It’s hard to complain about “only” going 3 miles out of 5 when you still remember the days of needing a walker to get around.
I think the heat also affects my already poor balance. I’ve been a lot more tipsy lately. Last night I was at a gathering with my friends and when I stood up from the couch, I almost fell over as I started to walk. Everyone gasped because I think they saw me falling but none of them could get up in time to catch me. Thankfully, I was able to catch my balance and I never went down, but I definitely tried to be more careful going forward, moving more slowly and cautiously.
That walker that I had to use back in 2013 is still in storage and has been for over 10 years. Every day I am thankful I am able to get myself out of bed (even if it’s much later in the morning than I would prefer). I know how beneficial the running and walking is for my M.S. so I just need to keep doing it. Consistency trumps volume, and some days I won’t go the distance I had hoped, but that’s okay. I am still moving. With as hot as it has been outside, that’s no small miracle.
Running with Guides
A few months ago I signed up for a new-to-me 10k. The entire race event is set up to raise funds and awareness for pulmonary hypertension (PH) and multiple sclerosis (MS), and it offered multiple distance options. The name of the 10k distance was “Melinda’s 10k”, which is my full name so you know I just HAD to sign up. I did not look at the course map, and I had no friends who were running it but I wasn’t worried about it. I would wear my DeafBlind vest and be extra careful, and it would be fine. I signed up, and then forgot all about it.
A month ago I received a message from United in Stride, which is an online database that helps pair blind runners with guides. The company was founded in 2015, so it hasn’t been around for long, but I do believe it’s growing. I signed up with them several years ago, when I realized I was getting serious about running, but at that time there weren’t any guide runners in my area so I just forgot about it. Then comes this message from Allison, who wants to know if I need a guide runner for any upcoming races. At first I told her no, because I had forgotten about Melinda’s 10k, but then immediately came back and said yes, actually I do have a race I need a guide for. She was immediately on board! Not only that, she was eager to run a couple training runs with me, which was a great way for us to get to know each other ahead of the race, and for us to practice running side by side.
We ran this race together, and it was a good thing I had her with me. For several reasons, much of the course we were the only ones in sight (or at least in my sight): it was a small-town race, not a lot of 10k participants, not a lot of spectators, and I’m pretty slow so I hang at the back of the “pack”. There were several spots in the course where I could have easily made a wrong turn and gotten lost. I was super grateful to have her with me. I had been hoping to beat my previous 10k PR (personal record) from 2020, but that wasn’t meant to be. Not only was it really warm this day, but my fatigue this past month was pretty gnarly and prevented me from doing the amount of training I needed. I was happy to finish though, and I wasn’t too far off my goal, so I’ve got something to work towards for the next one.
The best part about this for me, what I’m really excited about, is that it opens up more options for racing. Up until now I’ve only ever entertained the idea of running races local to me, where I could easily get a ride from my family or friends, and not have to worry about inconveniencing them. The couple I have done outside of our area, my family and friends graciously took me to because they knew they were important to me, but I’ve run out of those bucket list type races. Now I just want to keep racing for the fun of it. It’s hard to ask someone to bring you to an out-of-town race when there’s nothing in it for them but standing around waiting for you to drag your sweaty ass over the finish line (thank you a million times over to my dear husband who does this without complaint, and is always more than willing to hug me and hold me up at the end, despite my level of stink).
So. All that to say, I am stoked to have yet another running buddy. Allison and I have been talking about what other races we could run together, and I love her enthusiasm. I’m old enough to be her mom, which took some getting used to at first, but I think her energy helps to motivate me so it’s a great thing. She made us matching bracelets that say “Unstoppable”, and I’m looking forward to wearing mine at all our future races.
As I was writing this it occurred to me that I don’t think I ever posted about my race from last month, so I’ll get that one started for you too. It will be another great opportunity to talk about my invaluable guide runners. I couldn’t do this crazy stuff without them!
Health Update (Warning: this is a long one)
I have great news. My fatigue levels have been going steadily down, my left leg has become way more responsive, and as of today, I am feeling zero nerve pain on my back! I can cautiously say I am back to my previous “normal”.
I first noticed the energy levels coming back a few days ago. I had been walking around the house, originally for accomplishing only necessary tasks like using the restroom and drinking coffee. But somehow along the way I realized I was *also* picking things up and putting them away, cleaning small problem areas in various rooms. It was only when my daughter said to me, “you need to sit down”, that I realized I had been doing anything extra. I thought she was telling me to sit down so I wouldn’t spill my coffee (as I often do), but she said it because she noticed I was audibly out of breath from walking up the stairs. That was the moment it dawned on me. I had been cleaning, and that walk up the stairs to my bedroom was the last straw for my lungs, apparently.
Let me just pause the update right here and share with you the poignant realization that came to me at this time. What dawned on me was this: I am not a lazy person. I do the things that need to be done, when I am able. Even more surprising, I don’t often have to think about it; I just do it. This realization gave me such pause because one of the things I’ve been struggling with over these several weeks of constant fatigue is the feeling like I’m not measuring up because I’m not doing the things I normally do. I was feeling like an unproductive and lazy person. I don’t know why the voices in my head tell me such awful lies, but they do. So while I was happy to have some energy creeping back, I was also sad to think that all that time when I could have been resting peacefully and allowing my body to heal from this wretched attack on my nerves, instead I was beating myself up for not being more productive. I think we like to call this, “stinkin’ thinkin'”, and it’s got to stop.
So I’m putting this here for two reasons. One – so that I can come back to it when those awful thoughts inevitably come back to haunt me and two – so that you can learn from my mistakes and be kinder to yourself as well.
Now back to my health update…
When I realized all these symptoms that had crept up weren’t going away, I had reached out to my neurologist’s office. They ordered lab tests, which all came back normal. They would have liked to see current MRIs to check for active lesions on my brain and spine, but since I have cochlear implants that’s not an option for me. Some newer cochlear implants are safe for certain MRI machines, but not mine. I would have to have them surgically removed first. Not happening, that’s overkill. So, since they couldn’t get updated MRIs, we just moved forward with treating my symptoms. The nurse practitioner talked with me for over an hour in her office, discussing diet, exercise, sleep, stress levels. Through our discussion I think we landed on two possible culprits, poor sleep and high stress.
We’ve addressed my poor sleep quality with a small nightly dose of gabapentin. I have taken this in the past at a higher dose for nerve pain in my legs, but never on a consistent basis. She wanted me to take a small dose every night to let it build up in my system, knowing it would help me sleep but also may help with the nerve pain in my back (the technical term is dysesthesia, if you care to look it up.) The gabapentin did not have a noticeable effect on the dysesthesia. However, it is absolutely improving my sleep quality and I think that has been the #1 factor in the abatement of all my symptoms.
Sleep is an easier fix than the second factor. One of the first questions the neurologist’s assistant had asked me was, “Have you had an increase in stress level?”. Big Fat Sigh. You could say that. I told her we had recently lost a close friend to cancer. Our friend Dave passed away in January, after fighting an aggressive cancer for five months. Five months that felt like both an eternity and a blink of an eye. Dave had been like a brother to us for 25 years. His family is our family. He was only 47, and he’s left behind a beautiful and amazing wife and two grown children. He was my husband’s best friend. His wife Sarah, one of my best friends. His absence is still felt daily in our home.
I shared with Sarah shortly after his passing that I didn’t feel like I had the right to be so sad because he wasn’t MY husband. He wasn’t MY best friend. But she – so graciously and that’s why I love her so much – told me we all had the right to grieve. We all grieve in different ways, and that’s okay.
I didn’t intend for this post to be about anything other than my health update, but it has taken this turn and I’m going with it. What I’m acknowledging is that Dave’s illness and passing was more stressful than I realized. Prior to this I was fortunate to say I hadn’t dealt a whole lot with death. I hadn’t lost a lot of people I was very close with. My immediate family and close friends are all still living. But Dave was close, and I know this because his absence is still felt here in our home. Reminders of him are everywhere. When we were searching for old photos of him for his memorial service, my husband and I joked that we had more pictures of his kids than ours. We have so many great stories, memories of time spent with him. We will never forget him. We are sad, heartbroken, but we know he is now at peace and no longer suffering. And if he were reading this he would say let’s move on Mel, this is depressing.
Okay? Okay. Back to the health update…
So, externally, I can acknowledge that my grief changed the way I was eating, drinking, sleeping, exercising. All the normal, healthy habits I had worked to establish went out the window. And internally, I was holding in a lot of emotional pain. I still am somewhat, but I’m working through all that with prayer, journaling, therapy, connecting with friends and family. My heart is healing.
I have been getting back to my healthy habits, but the reality is that my body tends to delay in its reactions to stress. I am generally a slow processor – “don’t rush me!” – and this translates neurologically as well. In fact, when I had the BIG relapse in 2013 that left me deaf and half blind, it all started one week after I completed my last college class to complete my bachelor’s degree. I had been under a lot of stress, and my body held that in until after it was over. So I think that’s kind of what has been happening now. I was holding in a lot of that stress and grief and when I started to let go of it, my body reacted. Stress and M.S. are a really bad combo. I need to remember that moving forward and be more mindful of my stress levels. Know better, do better. Be kind to yourself, and rest when you need it. That lesson is for both me and you. Do you hear me? It’s for all of us. Shalom, my friends. Shalom.
Thinking about the spoon theory
Today I used up too many spoons folding laundry and fixing lunch, so I had to make the decision to stop part way through and cross some things off today’s to-do list.
Spoons? What?! No, I’m not having a stroke. I’m referring to the Spoon Theory. I was trying to explain this Spoon Theory to my therapist this week, because she had never heard of it either. This article explains it much better than I can: https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/spoon-theory. Basically, it is a way that many people living with chronic illness conceptualize how to manage our energy levels. Each day we wake up with a set number of spoons, and as we go through our daily tasks, we use up those spoons.
I can say that for me, I never know how many spoons I’ll wake up with each day. My spoon rations (I.e. energy levels) are unpredictable and sporadic. I often have moments in the day where I feel energetic, but it hardly ever lasts very long. That happened today. I woke up feeling pretty well, considering the excessive fatigue I’ve been struggling with over the last month or so. I folded a load of laundry, started on a second load, and then noticed the time and realized I needed to eat. I went down to the kitchen and fixed myself a breakfast taco. After eating, I went back upstairs to finish with the laundry and just couldn’t. I had to sit down. Lie down, actually. Like it states in the article linked above, everyday tasks demand extreme effort. Getting dressed, brushing my hair and teeth, all cost daily “spoons”. I forget that fact and tend to overdo it. Repeatedly. I may never learn. But that’s why I’m grateful to have loving family members and friends who graciously remind me of my limitations (something like, “you have M.S., remember?”) and give me permission to rest (I know, I can give myself permission, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone outside yourself.)
So. It’s only 2:30 pm and I’m thinking about what I have on my plate for the rest of the day, and how many spoons it will take to clear that plate. I am attending a sporting event for my son tonight and I know that’s going to require several spoons, so I’m resting in order to reserve my energy for that. Because even if I have enough spoons to get there, it’s likely I won’t have enough to pay attention to what’s happening or carry on conversations. With cochlear implants, having conversations uses up a lot more spoons than it did before I was deaf. Same with the vision. It takes a lot more effort to get around than it did before. Thankfully, my husband will be there to support me. That is always reassuring. But that act of evaluating my daily activities and how it will likely affect my energy levels is a daily thing. I think about it all. The. Time.
I’m not sharing all of this to whine, and I hope that’s clear. I just thought you might be interested in hearing a bit about what my daily life is like living with this chronic illness. As I told my neurologist earlier this week, managing M.S. is like a full-time job. Seriously. And I’ve had it “easy” for a long time now, so I suppose I was due to have some difficult days. I’ll get through this. Lord knows I’ve done it before and with His help, I’ll do it again. Slowly but surely, one day at a time.
So with that I say – take a break, reader! Go outside, listen to fun music, take a nap. And happy Friday… have a wonderful weekend.
Moving on…
Wow. I knew I hadn’t posted in awhile but I didn’t realize it’s been nearly two months. I’ve been okay, really. I’ve just been focusing on a lot of other things. And I’ve still been writing in some capacity all along, because I am still the ME who lives and breathes for writing. Writing seems to be one of those things that actually gives me energy. Mental energy mostly, not physically. The running helps with the physical energy. Since it is winter in Michigan, I have struggled to run consistently, because I detest the treadmill, and running outside is neither safe nor desirable. Even when I can bundle up for warmth, I still have the ice and snow to think about. I walk out my front door after a good snowfall and it’s a sea of white, covering potential icy hazards. So I’ve been trying to get to the gym for treadmill running and strength training, but it’s been a bit sporadic.
Also, all the sleeping! With shorter winter days and limited sunlight, I feel like I’m not alone in this. Needing more sleep seems to be the trend, so I’m not blaming the multiple sclerosis for this one, though I do think it’s heightened. I’m definitely needing more sleep than usual. And this year, I’m just accepting that. It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine.
We lost a close friend to cancer last month, and that has motivated me to stop wasting time with my memoir. Because he was too young. Life is short and we are not promised tomorrow, so we need to cherish every moment. So I’ve been chugging away at my memoir a little teensy tiny bit every day. All the books I’ve read on writing memoir compare it to training for or running a marathon, which fortunately I’ve done! So I can compare the two, and I honestly believe writing this memoir is proving to be more difficult than training for a marathon. But I also think it will be more rewarding once I’ve completed it.
Writing memoir requires a lot of introspection, self-awareness, and emotional gymnastics. I’m comfortable with this, but it does exhaust me in surprising ways. So I’m learning – again – when I need to take breaks, and giving myself permission to do that. Hi, my name is Mel and I’m a recovering over-achiever. Most nights I try to go to bed with a to-do list for the next day, and very rarely do I tackle everything on the list. The excessive sleeping has been a huge hinderance to that, for sure. Some days I’m writing stories, other days I’m organizing my ideas and brainstorming, and still other days I’m reading about writing. But if I can give the memoir even 15 minutes per day, I’m calling that a win because it’s progress. Snail’s pace progress, but still progress.
So that’s kind of a snapshot of what I’ve been up to. Sleeping, writing, and sporadic exercise. What else, folks? I guess that’s all I’ve got for now, but I wanted to pop my head up and let you know I’m still around, and I’m doing well, overall. I hope the same is true for you. Shalom, my friends. Shalom.
Some Friday Ramblings
**Note, I started this post several days ago and didn’t finish it. I just didn’t feel like I was writing the way that I used to, or would like to, or “should”. All kinds of silly reasons to abandon a post, but whatever. I’ve been trying to hop back into the art of writing that I have loved, on and off, my entire life. After completing that marathon I was exhausted in so many ways and then lots was happening here at home that required my energy and attention, and then Thanksgiving, and on and on with the reasons/excuses for my absence here. I really desire to get back to regular blogging, regular writing. Lots of changes have happened with me over the last two years so I’m hoping “Writing Mel” is still alive here. I believe she is, and we are just dusting her off a bit. Bear with me, por favor. Gracias. Now back to the original post.**
I noticed when I logged onto WordPress today that they had a writing prompt; the question was “what will your life look like in three years?”. Which is interesting to me, because I was just hopping on here to tell you about a discussion I had with my husband recently that was along these lines. We were basically discussing whether we were content with our lives. And if asked that question, I would say that absolutely, I am content. However, if you had asked me 15 years ago if I would have chosen this life for myself, the answer would have been “hell, no.” I would never have chosen to be disabled and unable to work a job. Having multiple sclerosis, being deaf *and* half-blind, simply put – SUCKS. But I’m 10 years into this, and while it’s taken time, I’ve slowly learned to see (not literally, unfortunately lol) and be thankful for the benefits that have come from it. I’ve learned from these struggles. They have made me who I am today, and I love who that is.
I feel like I’m coming into a new season of life. I’m done training for marathons (for the next few years, at least). My kids are teenagers and can feed themselves (and prefer to, actually). The dogs are pretty low maintenance. So now I’m at a point where I’m learning how to rest. I’m learning how to be okay with sitting still. For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble with sitting still. Not that I physically can’t, but that when I do, there is a general unease felt underneath my skin and deep in my spirit. Like I’m “supposed” to be doing something. I’m often noticing my shoulders are hunched up and I need to consciously pull them back down.
I was actually discussing this general unease with a friend the other day, and she expressed how completely opposite she was from me in this regard, and we had a laugh. She seemed like she was saying she rests too much, and finds herself procrastinating. Sounds a bit like we would do well if we came more to the other’s side and met in the middle. But then where would be the fun in that? I love the variety I see in all of my friends and family members. It’s funny to me the things we experience and think are normal for everybody, when really we are all so different in so many ways. It makes life a lot more interesting, and brings us closer together as we support each other in our areas of strength and weakness.
So back to the season of rest. That’s where I am currently. I still have an ongoing list in my head of all the things I want to *do*, but I’m trying to be more kind to myself. While I’ll never regret running that second marathon, I will admit that I made the commitment without full consideration of my limits; physically, mentally, emotionally. So you could say I’m taking a break. Ish. A semi-break. Evaluating what I value most, and then easing those things back in. It feels a little like riding an inner tube on a lazy river. I’m enjoying it so far.
And that, my friends, is a little taste for you of the rambling that goes on in my brain on the daily. You are welcome. See you next time.
Little M.S. Runner 