Category Archives: Deep thoughts

Daily Snippets, Deep thoughts, God speaks, Kids, Motherhood, Parenting

HE KNOWS

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I’ve been trying to get back to reading scripture on a daily basis, and I’m glad I’ve been doing it. It’s a great comfort, and God still uses it to speak to me. This morning I was reading in Jeremiah where it talks about the Israelites and how God was angry with them because of their wickedness. That seems to be a common theme in the Old Testament. But after the weekend I had, it really helped me to know that God understands what I’m feeling. See, my daughter had been wanting a mermaid tail for her birthday. I bought her one, but it wasn’t the exact one that she wanted, or rather it was missing a piece she wanted. She was heartbroken and to be honest, ungrateful. It didn’t help that she was at her birthday party, in front of all her friends. I was really upset with her. Then later that night I was trying to help my son get his football uniform and equipment together for turning in the following day, and I was asking him where things were. He had a friend over, so he didn’t like me interrupting him with these questions and told me to leave him alone. So I let him do his own laundry!

But the point is, I had been pretty upset and down about having two children acting ungrateful, after a week spent doing things for them (chaperoning the school field trip, putting together preparations for the birthday party, cooking, cleaning, etc.). So it was really therapeutic and healing to read this morning, and to know that God can relate to what I was feeling. He knows what it’s like to have ungrateful children, and yet He loves us all just the same.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.” Jeremiah 33:6-7

Daily Snippets, Deep thoughts, Disability, Multiple Sclerosis, Writing

How MS Defines Me

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I started this post three days ago, but didn’t get past the title. Now I’m deciding to continue with it, with the expectation that I can convey a clear and complete thought. Or maybe two.

I am fatigued. I am not handling it as well as usual, and I think that’s just because my running had given me a nice reprieve from the normal levels of fatigue. But having the kids home all week coupled with my MS medication running low (I get infused with Tysabri every four weeks), seems to have been too much on my body.

What bothers me most about the fatigue, at least this time around, is the effect it has on my cognition. I just can’t seem to make the connections, and even when I do, it takes an uncomfortably long time. So I’m awake, but I’m not really here. I struggle to finish sentences, I forget where I was headed within the house, I can’t put two and two together. And that’s frustrating, but I know this too shall pass. The kids go back to school tomorrow, I’ll go back to the infusion center hopefully Friday, and I will keep taking breaks when they are needed. And my family will be patient as always, they will pick up the slack where needed, it will be okay. We accommodate, together. I will get the rest I need. This is why I make the big bucks courtesy of Social Security, right? It will be okay.

MS is part of my life. It always will be, and I’m not sorry about that. It has taught me how to be patient and gracious, and how to laugh at myself. It has required strength I wouldn’t otherwise know I had. So yes, I guess you could say I am defined by my disability. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Deep thoughts, Disability, Writing

Relishing the daily humdrum

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Hmm. Well, I’ve kind of been feeling a blog post on the edge of my fingertips for some time (a couple weeks, not long), but now that I find the time and manage to sit down at my computer I’m at a loss for words. Isn’t that funny how that works? But now that I’ve started I’m sure the words will come. It usually happens like that. Usually.

Remember how I said I wanted to write a book? That’s not really all that true anymore. I love writing, yes, but the book idea was kind of daunting. It was never really my idea. Lots of people told me, after all that had happened to me in such a short period of time, that I should write a book. And I do love to write, so I thought it made sense. But I really never felt a nudge from God on that. He was pretty clear with me about writing this blog, and sharing my stories with others, but that was it. I do love to share my stories, when I can remember them, so I’m sure it’s possible that some day down the road we’ll get those stories all gathered together in a book, but I’m no longer putting pressure on myself to make that happen.

So I’ve decided to focus on other things lately. I am focusing on embracing the gift of each moment, embracing this new life I’ve found myself in. What does that look like? Nothing really out of the ordinary, really. Taking care of our home, taking care of the kids. Spending time with my family and friends. Wrestling tournaments, Girl Scout troop meetings, class parties, shopping trips. All blissfully ordinary things.

I don’t want to bore you with the details of those ordinary things, but I do want to explain why they are so significant to me. When I lost my hearing and my vision 2 1/2 years ago and I was in the hospital, they weren’t sure I was going to make it. But I did, I made it. And the recovery process that followed was tough on all of us, but I finally feel like we have made it THROUGH. We, as a family, have recovered, adjusted, adapted, and we are moving on with our lives. Granted, it’s quite different than what we may have envisioned, but I am firm in the belief that it is better. We have challenges, yes, but we are better off in spite of those challenges. Or maybe, perhaps, because of those challenges.  Life is good, folks. Real good.

“Every day is new again
Every day is yours to win
And that’s how heroes are made”

“Every Day is Yours to Win” ~R.E.M.

Deep thoughts, God speaks, Hearing Loss

Timing

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I get these daily Upper Room devotionals sent to my email. I For the past couple of months I’ve been deleting them along with the rest of my junk mail, without even opening them to see what the subject of the day was.

Today for some reason I decided to open the email.

The subject? Hearing aids. More specifically, that it is such a gift that we don’t have to have perfect hearing to hear from God. He finds ways to speak to us in all sorts of ways. We just have to be listening. Well, I’m listening now.

I love how God sneaks his way back in to my wandering heart.

Daily Snippets, Deep thoughts, Disability

Social anxieties

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Lately I have found myself saying that I feel like I’m that shy 1st grader, newly transplanted to a new town, new school, new kids to befriend. I am certainly not that shy girl anymore. If this whole plunge into deafness and visual impairment has taught me anything, it’s how to talk to new people (doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc.). But still that 1st grader rears her frizzy toothless head every now and then. I’m slowly making new friends here in this new town, in this new neighborhood, but not all that gracefully. I feel like I’m stumbling and tripping as I do it. It makes for awkward moments, but either no one notices or they are comforted to learn they are not alone. I just hope it’s the latter.
What do you think? Am I too old to be feeling this way? Does it matter?

Deep thoughts, Uncategorized

Starting Fresh

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It’s the first day of a new year. I am making no new year resolutions, but I will continue striving to be better. To live in every moment, to find the joy in what I have. Finding that joy is sometimes a challenge, but it’s always worth it. It always overshadows the crud, and the abilities I lost. Last year brought some really great changes in our lives, and maybe I’ve been remiss to share them all here on the blog. The dilemma with writing about all the good things that are going on is that you are too busy embracing those good things to write about them. I believe that is a fantastic dilemma to have. And while I’m tempted to go back and recap everything, I would rather just move forward. Because MOVING FORWARD – well, I am forever grateful to be able to do that. In everything. I’m not stuck in a state of fear or confusion or even waiting for answers. I’m moving ahead. The people around me are moving too and this time I feel like I’m with them. Oh to feel whole again. So here’s to 2016! A year of new life and wholeness. Peace, my friends, shalom.

Deep thoughts, Disability, Family, Marriage, Photos

I don’t mind a little cheese

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**Warning: this post contains a lot of cheese.**

image

My husband was up all night putting this cabinet together for me. I had not even asked him to, but he did it anyway. Because he loves me.

And while the cabinet doesn’t match the hutch next to it, I love it. I love both pieces, because this space is mine, and mine only. This is where I work. Where I write, where I feel like I can function in a way that is not hindered by my disabilities.

I must also mention that my husband sort of hates The Hutch. But knowing how much I love The Hutch, he lets that go. The Hutch stays, and we never speak of it.

So now, at the risk of sounding overly sentimental, these two pieces of furniture represent the sacrifices my dear husband has made for me. Which honestly is still not even accurate, when you take everything into account. We have been married for 16 years, but especially in these past two he has given up so much for me. And if you ask him, he would tell you he would do it again, in a heartbeat. This furniture will always remind me of his love and sacrifice, and with any luck will inspire the same qualities in me.

Mike, I could not live without you, nor would I want to. You are truly my everything. Thank you. I love you more than I can express in words.

Deep thoughts, God speaks

Jesus is my healer

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Sometimes I wonder if God wants me to share something, and I’ll pray about it, and I’ll journal, and I’ll wait. And then he shows me a Scripture or a sign or I just have a serious prompting in my heart that makes it clear that yes, I should share this. And this is one of those stories.

As I was chatting with a friend Sunday  about illness, dark times, and recovery (her dad recently went through quite a bit with a cancer scare), she brought up the time I was so sick I was sleeping all day long. She told me of when she took me for walks to try to wake me up, and specifically a time she took me to Office Max. As we were walking through the store she had to catch me because I fell asleep standing up. This astounded me. I knew it had been bad, but I had no idea how bad. Then another friend joined in the conversation and told me about people visiting in the hospital. Most of the people she listed, I don’t even remember seeing there. It was surreal, hearing these stories and feeling as if they were talking about someone else. It brought me to tears.

So I went home Sunday contemplating all of this. Later that day, Mike affirmed the gravity of the situation when he told me the nights I was in the hospital he wouldn’t sleep – couldn’t sleep – because he was so afraid of losing me. That brought me to tears again, picturing where he was, and what he had to deal with. And it just made me so… so… THANKFUL. And that night I fell asleep praising God for everything; my life, my husband, kids, friends, family.

This morning I read a story of Jesus healing 10 lepers, and in essence it was God answering my question – “should I share?” –  Luke 17:14-19 – “When he saw them he said to them, ‘Go and show yourselves to the priests.’ And as they went they were cleansed. Then one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice; and he fell on his face at Jesus’ feet, giving him thanks. Now he was a Samaritan. Then Jesus answered, ‘Were not ten cleansed? Where are the nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?’ And he said to him, ‘Rise and go your way; your faith has made you well.’”

So I guess this is me, turning back to praise God with a loud voice and giving thanks to Jesus. He is still in the healing business.

Deep thoughts

Identity Crisis?

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I started drafting a blog post yesterday with the following (to remind myself to write about it when I had more time):
“An introvert feeling lonely after three days with minimal human interaction?”

See, yesterday I was a confused, melancholy mess, for weird and petty reasons. All day I was struggling with wanting to call someone, invite them over, but then fearing that whomever I called would be too busy for a spontaneous visit or worse, not want to see me. When my husband asked me if I was okay (knowing I wasn’t), I fought back the tears (unsuccessfully) as I explained that I had been feeling lonely. And I noted how strange that was for me, the introvert. After a healthy chat, my sweet husband offered to drop me off at the mall so I could spend the day chatting with strangers. He was joking to get a laugh out of me (which worked), but it actually sounded tempting.

Then a good friend of mine posted this link on Facebook today:
“Real Life Examples of an Extroverted Introvert So You Don’t Get Confused” I found this to be really interesting timing, having that article pop up in my news feed, validating all that I was feeling just the day before.

What I found most interesting in the article is the explanation that introversion/extroversion is not an either/or characteristic, but is more of a spectrum. That is to say, you can have tendencies for both, and some people lean more to one side than the other. I lean heavily on the introversion side, and have for most of my life. Which is why yesterday’s bout of loneliness was so dang confusing. Loneliness is not something I have encountered often. Hardly ever, in fact.

I really enjoy talking with people, hearing their stories. I want to know where they come from, what interests them. My favorite part of the day lately has been chatting with the parents from our neighborhood as we wait for the school bus. Perhaps these past two years of drastic changes have brought some extroverted tendencies my way. I suppose that’s not such a bad thing, right?

Deep thoughts, Family, Movies, Prayer

I’m not dead! I’m getting better! I think I’ll go for a walk…

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That title is a Monty Python and the Holy Grail quote for those in the know… best read out loud with a British accent.

It’s true! I’m still here! Blog still somewhat active! The irony here, folks, is that when there is much going on and much to tell, there isn’t much time to sit down and write about it. But that time is coming. In fact, it’s kind of here, and as soon as the dust settles, I’m sure you’ll be hearing more from me.

Our little family of four (plus the dog) is happy and healthy. It’s beautiful and amazing and I am so thankful. However, I am surrounded by friends and family who are struggling in a variety of ways; sickness, disease, financial struggles, you name it. And seriously, my heart is aching for every single one of them. I am overwhelmed with a desire to help, now that I am awake enough to be aware of others’ needs. That fog has lifted from my internal/mental space. I am free to be aware. Which is a gift, yes, but with my limitations I don’t know HOW to help, other than to pray. So I pray, a lot, and I reach out as much as possible, because I know when I was struggling it meant the world to me when people did that. A note here, a message there, it all made such a difference. People say that it’s the thought that counts, but that’s not true. Unless the thought leads to action – great or small – it means nothing. But those actions do mean a great deal, no matter how small we think they are.

So that’s all I have for today, and I realize it’s a bit of a cheat, but oh well. Life goes on. Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.

Wait, before I go, can I challenge you all to something today? Turn your thoughts into actions. The positive ones, of course. If you think about doing something nice, DO IT. Be kind and courageous. I dare you!