All posts by Little M.S. Runner

Forty-something, married with two kids and two dogs. Trying hard to live every day to the fullest with multiple sclerosis, impaired vision, and deafness. Couldn't make it without my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Decluttering, Miracles do happen

Removing Distractions

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I’ve been feeling numb lately. Uninspired, lacking passion, boring even. And as I sit and contemplate why that is, I come up with a train of thought. The first car on the train being that I have not been praying on a consistent basis, and that leads to shallow prayers lacking meaning and purpose. Inconsistent and shallow prayers lead to inconsistent reading of Scripture, so I’m not talking to God, and He’s not talking to me (or I’m not listening).

Now, my main desire for starting this blog was to encourage and inspire people. I can’t do that if I’m only writing about the mundane details of life (though I know you love hearing about my housekeeping habits).

But, I digress. Back to the train. There is no meaningful conversation happening between me and God, and I am uninspired. Why is this? Because I am distracted. What is distracting me? Stupid Facebook games. There it is. I confess. And if I were truly, honestly confessing to you, I would share that today I spent a solid three hours playing Candy Crush and Farmville 2. Without getting up. And it didn’t end there. I did manage to get some things done, but always came back to the games. Because, “just one more” is a lie, folks. It never happens. This is an addiction, and the only way to beat it is to turn away. I have decided to stop playing altogether as of just before I started writing this post, but I’m honestly still arguing with myself about whether I “need” to un-install the damn things. And I think that’s the proof right there. They need to go.

What will I do to fill my down time? I don’t know, read, crochet, de-clutter the junk hiding in my closets and drawers? Or I could walk, practice hearing on the phone, write a note to a friend. That’s quite a list right there, and all of those things are things I would be happy to do. Correction: WILL be happy to do. Because starting tomorrow, the games are gone. Yup, I need to un-install them. Going to do that right now…

… okay, I did it! Wait, gotta remove Candy Crush from the phone and Kindle…

… okay, now I’m done. Games are gone.

I hope you know I’m doing this for you. I just hope it’s worth it. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep now.

Deafness, Kids

New challenges

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So this week I have a new challenge ahead of me. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it kind of is.

My husband is going out of town for work. For three whole days. And the kids need to go to school, which starts at a precise time every single time. They ride the bus, which is on a schedule. Since I can no longer hear an alarm clock, my husband has served as my alarm clock the past year. And I don’t have one of those alarms that shake the bed. So I must rely on my oldest child.

Now, fortunately he is a very early riser, usually up and ready well before we are. So it will probably be fine. But we have set an alarm clock in his room just in case, and he has been instructed to wake me up as soon as he wakes up, whether it is when the alarm clock goes off or before. If he wakes me up at 5 am I’ll be regretting telling him that, but at least we won’t miss the bus.

I’ve been making sure they are ready for school for the past two weeks, so that part shouldn’t be a problem. We’ve gotten into a good routine and they are surprisingly self-sufficient. Luke, at 7, pretty much takes care of everything on his own. He’s a morning person and he loves school, so no prodding necessary. Natalie, my four year old, on the other hand, needs a little coaxing in the wee hours of the morning. But once she gets going, she does pretty well all on her own.

So. I’m nervous, a smidge, but really kind of excited to be given this enormous responsibility, and even more stoked that I am physically able to do it.

God speaks, Housekeeping, Motherhood

Hospitableness

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One thing I am learning (albeit slowly and perhaps reluctantly) is that when God wants to get a message to me, He will use repetition. So when I come across the same message two days in a row, I start to take it to heart.

Yesterday at church our pastor talked a lot about hospitality and making others feel welcome. He gave a great example, reading the Bible story of Levi, the tax collector. Levi was so excited to meet Jesus that he immediately left his post and followed him. Then, he threw a party to gather all of his fellow tax collectors so they could meet Jesus too.

I was touched by this story, because lately I’ve been feeling a stirring in my heart and wishing I was more like this. More open and inviting, more courageous when it comes to sharing with others how amazing it is to know and interact with my Lord (not to be selfish, He can be yours too, of course).

And then we went home and got tangled up in the crazy busyness of life. Again. But God, being so gracious, brought me back to this lesson first thing this morning. As I sat down to drink my coffee and read my daily Scriptures, I caught the subject of my daily Upper Room Devotional email: “Welcome a Stranger”.

Sometimes these sorts of things are pure coincidence, or maybe just a case of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, but I like to think of them as reminders from God.

I am certainly not the most hospitable person you know. It is not my gifting. However, in the past 12 months I have found myself thrust into a new life. I never thought I could enjoy staying at home, but I am embracing it. So far this new role has included housecleaning, cooking, keeping track of kids and their schoolwork, and scheduling. I believe all of it is important, and am determined to give it my 100% effort. And I suppose if God is trying to tell me we can add some hospitality to the mix, I’m all ears (pun intended).

Food

Perspective

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I just watched a video showing the easiest way to cook corn on the cob (in the microwave, shucks on) and then read the comments on the video. Holy hell, these people were having some seriously heated arguments about corn and microwaves. One guy posted the f-bomb twice in one sentence, and another was apparently booted for cursing at another commenter. After the super lazy day I’ve had today, I was beginning to think I needed to get a life, but these people gave me some perspective.

It’s all good. Peace, love, and corn on the cob…

Cochlear implant, Deafness, Housekeeping

Productive days and support groups

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Occasionally I have days where I feel like I totally kicked ass. Yesterday was one of those. At 10:51 *AM* I was Skyping my mom to brag about all the stuff I had already accomplished: read my daily Scripture, wrote the meal plan and grocery list for the week, cleaned toilets, bathroom sinks and mirrors, walked for ten minutes on the treadmill, updated my Cozi calendar with the kids’ school calendar, and I showered.

So when my husband dropped my daughter off after noon (half days all week, to ease the kindergartners into school, I suppose), I was ready. Of course, we only had an hour or so to relax because the rest of the day was a blur. I had a follow up appointment with my neuro-ophthalmologist in the afternoon, then we picked up our son from Grandpa’s house, then came home to quickly eat dinner, then Mike and the kids dropped me off at my HLAA (Hearing Loss Association of America) meeting while they went grocery shopping.

Neuro-op visit went well. They tested my eyes again, and found that my right eye is a little worse, but my left eye is a little better. I guess that means I’m even. They used the word “stable” which is much better than “going blind”, so I’ll take it. I don’t know why going blind scares me so much. I know people who are blind, some from birth, and they are otherwise healthy and happy. It certainly wouldn’t be the end of the world. It would only be the end of my world, if I let it be. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. IF we get to it. At this point I guess it doesn’t look like I’m headed there anytime soon. Thank you, Jesus 🙂

The HLAA meeting was wonderful. It’s the start of a new fiscal year for them (the local chapter, at least), so they kicked it off with an “open mic” night. I was excited to go, because I went to the last meeting in June, and to a dinner with the group in July, and already I feel like we are family. Last night was our opportunity to share our hearing loss stories with each other. It was refreshing to hear about other’s journeys, and was nice to be able to share mine as well. It’s amazing how different we all are, in general and in how we came to be deaf or hard of hearing, and yet we have a common understanding and can easily relate to one another. The group ranges in age and background. Some are lipreaders, some know ASL, some have hearing aids, and some have cochlear implants (some even have both!). Some have been deaf since birth, yet some, like me, have only been deaf a short time. Yet when I say being deaf sometimes makes me feel isolated, they all nod their heads in agreement. Because they have been there too.

All in all, it was a good day. Today I was reminded of where I have been, what I have come through, and the amazing gifts I have been given. Hallelujah.

Cochlear implant, Deafness

Phone training

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I am super excited! Kids started school today, and my head is swirling with ideas and plans for how to best use all this time to myself. Cleaning and meal planning is a given, but I have other stuff I want to get done. First and foremost, I want to practice listening with my cochlear implant. Which will be much easier now that I don’t have other sounds around to distract.

I really want to get to a point with the phone where I am confident (i.e. not afraid) to answer the phone when it rings. The first step was reviewing the instructions for my ComPilot remote, which pairs with my implant via Bluetooth. Easy peasy, right? Well, I didn’t realize that I can actually answer the phone with the remote. Should be super easy, as long as I have the remote with me, and turned on. So I have that new knowledge in my back pocket (along with my phone… hehe) and will practice listening in preparation. I did some reading on the Advanced Bionic (AB) forum at hearingjourney.com, and found that there are programs out there, provided by the cochlear implant manufacturers, to assist us ci recipients with learning to use the phone. So Cochlear has an actual phone line dedicated for this purpose. You call the number, choose the option, and listen. They even have a pdf for each day’s recording, so you can read along. See?

http://hope.cochlearamericas.com/telephone-training-aug31-sept6

So if I can do this every day, over time my brain will learn to recognize speech. And from here, things can only get better! (Ain’t that right, Howard?)

Family, Vacation

Home again

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We went camping. With our church family and with our children. Our kids had a blast. One of the memorable parts for me was staying in the caboose. All the cabins were taken when we signed up, so that was our only option, and it turned out to be the best one! What do you mean by caboose, you ask? Well, it’s just that. A caboose. Equipped with bunk beds and a futon.

The caboose!

It was kind of a hike to the restrooms (Cuz we ladies do NOT use the porta-potty. No way, no how.) but we managed. I brought my cane, and I’m glad I did because it was very useful keeping me upright over all the hilly terrain (Well, mostly. I only fell three times).

Most kids love to camp, and ours are no exception. So we do it for them. We are not crazy about camping, and the two of us do not camp well together. I am generally a morning person, but something about waking up on a crumb-coated futon with welts on your face from your wiggly, sound-sleeping, seven year old sets me on the wrong foot. Not to mention the moment I recall that I did not bring a coffee maker and have to roam the campground with my empty traveler mug, peddling for hot coffee. Oh, and did I mention the 15 mile hike to the bathroom?

I think we did some fun things while we were there. Well, the kids anyway. They swam, rode bikes and scooters, slid down the biggest slip ‘n slide you’ve ever seen, and even went zip-lining 30+ feet off the ground. When Natalie saw that her brother was getting ready to go, she wanted to go too. No fear, this child. She is our daredevil. Four years old, and such a girly-girl, but she has no fear. She trekked right up to the top, feigned hesitation and fear for the zip-line operator, and then when it was her turn, off she went. She had a blast! And her only complaint was that it went too slow. Crazy girl.

Let’s see… We also had a big potluck with the church folk. Now, I grew up Methodist, so I’ve been to my share of potlucks. This potluck was by far the most memorable. Because as soon as everyone got the food set up, it started to rain. Hard. So I scrambled to get my food (yummy salad, by the way) and squeeze in with the crowd under a camper awning to eat it. Craziest potluck ever.

All in all, it was a memorable trip, and we are glad we went. We are also equally glad to be home. I’m sure I’m missing a lot of great details about the trip but my head still needs to unwind. Tomorrow is the first day of school! Again (it happens, like, every year)!!

Summer is ending, y’all. What was your favorite part?

Cochlear implant, Music

Finding music

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I cleaned out three purses today. Yes, three. And that is just scratching the surface. I won’t even tell you how many purses I have hanging in the closet.

Anyhoo, It felt good to clean them out, and even better to have found my old ipod. The one with all of my favorite music on it that I somehow lost two computers ago. Maybe. Well, I was able to pull up all the songs on my laptop so I can listen to it through my CI remote (The Phonak Compilot) IF it successfully connects. Which most of the time it does not. But maybe I just need to restart. The additional good thing about this is that I was able to upload many of the songs from my laptop to my Amazon cloud drive thingamajigger, and from there I can listen from (and possibly download to) my Kindle. Which almost always connects to the ComPilot. Yee. F-in. Ha.

And now I can start to listen to the songs I know and “practice” hearing music again. And hopefully enjoying it too. I know it’s possible because other CI users say it is, and I have had blips of musical enjoyment here and there. Like yesterday in the truck when Beastie Boys’ “Pass the mic” came on the radio. That was super fun and brought back lots of great awful memories of my young adulthood. I listened to Beck’s “Loser” just now and that was pretty fun. Crazy stupid lyrics that I will probably never forget. So here’s to future CI joy and music enjoyment.

Get crazy with the Cheez Whiz!

Food, Kids

Bad Idea

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Natalie likes to help me. With just about everything. She often helps me make coffee in the morning, and today was no different. Only I had set it up the night before with the timer, so there really wasn’t much to do. So she picked out my coffee mug for me and brought the half & half out of the fridge. Both were waiting for me on the counter, next to the pot of freshly brewed coffee. I so love this girl. And just when I think she “gets” me, she says things like this: “You should sometimes not drink coffee.” When asked for clarification, she said (with an air of astounding gravity) “just skip a day of drinking coffee”.

Uh…. NO.

God speaks, Vacation

Abbey Trip 2014

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I have just returned from my annual trip with my sister to an Episcopalian monastery. This was our 4th trip together, but I started going there more than a decade ago, and I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been. It’s truly a time of rest and renewal for us. I did some journaling, but not as much as I would have liked. And since I didn’t bring my laptop, I just wrote it down. No filter, no edits. So what follows here is exactly what I wrote. Reading my writing on a white piece of paper is physically exhausting for me to do, so pardon me if I don’t feel like reading through again and “perfecting” it. Whether it sounds good or not, it’s all true.

Friday:

We made it to the Abbey. I’m teetering on the brink of a flood of tears. Mixed metaphors, I know. I just have all this sadness built up. I think that’s why I keep getting so frustrated, and Mike keeps asking me what is wrong. I always say it’s nothing, but that’s a colossal lie. I am sad and scared. Not angry, because I don’t know who to be angry at. Just really scared for my future, and sad for what I am missing, like pictures Natalie draws for me. And not being able to really see my surroundings. That frustrates me – constantly. If it were all gone, if I couldn’t see any of it, maybe the frustration wouldn’t be there. Because I wouldn’t be subconsciously trying to see it all. Maybe. Not that I’m wishing for that. That is maybe what scares me the most. Losing my eyesight completely. Losing the ability to see my family’s faces and watch my kids grow.

Well, I let the tears fall, and it didn’t end in a sob-fest. I’m sure there are more to come, but for now I feel like I can breathe again. This is good, writing. I didn’t bring the laptop so this is all I’ve got. It’s slower, and harder to read, but I guess that’s good as it allows me time to let my thoughts come through. Clearly.

I need to eat.

We went to Vespers and Mass already. Had lunch, went to buy chicken and steak. Not in that order. I took a nap too. I can’t believe I forgot the steak! This weekend seems cursed. There was a huge accident on the way here that prevented us from getting onto I-94 – cranes had to be used to move the semi trucks. But we are taking the curse in stride. This past year has dealt us both a shitty hand, but we are determined to make the best of it, despite the obstacles.

Just like this weekend.

10 pm: Heading to bed! Will be up at 3:30 am for the 4 am Matins service. Good day 🙂

Saturday:

Was up at 3:30 am for Matins (thanks to 3 cups of coffee the night before, I woke up all on my own. Slept from 10 pm to 12:30 am, and then every hour after that. Not too bad. Then went back to sleep after Matins, and woke up to the smell of bacon (for the quiche), just in time for 8:15 Mass. And yes, they do communion on Saturday.

I’m not sure what to do with myself at this point. I want to make the best of this time, but I want to get rest and relax too.

Next weekend we go camping with the church. I’ll definitely have to make grocery lists and catch up on laundry before then. I’ll wait to do that when I get back home. Because Mike likely would have bought some food. And what fun is coming to the Abbey to make grocery lists?

Now – coffee. Read.

It’s our last night, and after finally beating Kari (just barely) at Spite and Malice, we are heading to bed at 10:50 pm. Tomorrow is Sunday, so Matins isn’t until 5:30 am. Kind of like sleeping in.

Today was a humid day, and my hair shows it. Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and gasp? That just happened here. Think Gene Wilder and that comes pretty close. Compounding the issue is all the short wispy hairs I have from the regrowth of the hair I lost when I was on steroids last year.

Ah, I forgot to mention we went to tea time to mingle with the monks. Prior Aelred greeted me first with a big hug and said “can you hear me now?” I love his sense of humor and compassion. He has been following my updates on Facebook and has given me lots of encouragement along the way. It’s always good to see him.

I miss Mike. It’s been a good trip, but I’ll be glad to be home. Of course, I miss the kids too. It will be so great to see them again too.