I want to share something that I learned this week, in case it might resonate with you as well. The other day I found out some bad news. A horse that my daughter had loved riding had passed away. I was feeling quite emotional about it, and debated when to tell her. I finally decided to just rip the band-aid off and do it right away. I went up to her room, opened the door, and said, “I have to tell you some bad news.” And then I stopped. I couldn’t get the words out. Tears were welling up in my eyes. She sat there waiting. Then, jokingly, “Mom, just say it!”

I had to keep looking away. Swallowing my spit in hopes of stopping the tears and getting my voice back. After several bizarre seconds, I finally spit it out. “Trixie passed away over the winter.” And then I waited for my daughter’s equally devastated response.

I got nothing like that.

She was not devastated. Not overcome with sadness. Not the emotional wreck that her mother was appearing to be. She was calm. She explained to me, sounding so grown-up, “It’s fine. Horses die all the time for lots of reasons.”

I was stunned. She was so calm and pragmatic about the news. Who is this kid? She is not me.

Here I was, trying to shield her from the hurt, protect her from the sadness that I only assumed she would feel. Why? Because when I was her age, I would have felt those things, and this type of news would have crushed me, leaving me in a cloud of sadness for days.

But she is not me.

This had me thinking about how often I have done this with her, my daughter who looks so much like me and yet in personality and emotional makeup is so different. She has grown up in an entirely different home environment than I did. She has experienced different things. She has learned how to process her big, upsetting feelings and has come out stronger. When I attempt to shield her from these sad scenarios, what I’m really doing is doubting her strength. I’m saying I don’t believe she can handle it. But that’s not for me to decide, is it?

She is not me.

I am learning that I need to give her more credit, and this has me thinking in broader terms. How many times have I done this with other people? How many times have I tortured myself and put off having difficult discussions with family, friends, even coworkers (I’m going way back here; I haven’t worked a job since 2013). Why were these discussions so difficult? Or rather, why did they *seem* so difficult? I think there are two equally valid theories to answer this question. Some would say that it’s empathy, that I’m thinking of others’ feelings, and being courteous of how they might feel about the topic of discussion. Fair enough. But the other theory, the one that was a lightbulb moment for me, is that it might be projection. I am projecting onto others when I assume they would react the way I would. And I think in the aforementioned discussion with my daughter it was definitely the latter. I was assuming her reaction would be like mine.

But she is not me.

I am in awe of this. Humbled and amazed. How can a 14 year old be smarter than me? Well, I believe she watched carefully those first few years as I worked through trauma therapy. She paid attention to my changing reactions to every stressful situation that came my way. She learned from watching me. And she’s not afraid of her emotions the way I used to be. She can feel sadness and knows it won’t destroy her.

I am so grateful to see this emotional resilience in my daughter, but I am also grateful for the greater lesson I’m learning here. I am learning to allow other people to have their reactions, and I am not so acutely affected by them as I once was. We all have big feelings. I can handle mine, and you can handle yours. This has been one of the many great outcomes of trauma therapy, and I wish I could share it with everyone who cares to listen. That said, I’m hoping to write more about it here on the blog, especially since the kids are back in school and that allows me more headspace for it. So stay tuned for that, my friends.