Is there more to say? I’m so ready for this!!
Category Archives: Cochlear implant
I miss the music
I have a feeling these next three days are going to be very emotional as I’m leading up to my first cochlear implant activation. I saw a commercial come on for some cheesy concert and it made me cry. It reminded me of the last concert I attended, which was about a month before I lost my hearing. It was an outdoor concert I attended with one of my best friends, and it was amazing. We went to see Awolnation, MGMT, and Twenty-One Pilots. Awolnation sucked raw eggs, but Twenty-One Pilots knocked my socks off! And MGMT was a great cap to the whole event. Their music was entrancing, and purely magical when the fireworks went off from the nearby baseball game. It was certainly a night to remember.
So there I stood, in front of the television, crying tears of sadness, but mostly tears of joy, because I am glad to have that memory and am also hopeful that one day I may be able to enjoy a concert again. If nothing else, I’ll be pulling up my Twenty-One Pilots album as soon as possible post-activation. That and one of my favorite worship songs, “Oh How He Loves Me” sung by Kim Walker. I’m so jazzed.
Sometimes I get a kick out of being deaf
1) I can’t be held responsible for ignoring chatty strangers.
2) I sleep awesome.
3) I’ve been known to leave the garbage disposal running after I turn the water off.
4) You know about SBDs? Silent But Deadly toots? Well, they’re all SBDs to me. No. Warning. Whatsoever.
5) I’m terribly easy to sneak up on. My 7 year old son loves this.
6) Tinnitus: Think jazz horns. 24/7. Nice, but I do miss the chanting monks.
7) Every morning wake up with a new song in my head. Yesterday it was Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam and jazz.
And to top it all off?
8) Dude. I’m getting implants! (Look left! Four more days!)
Dreams and Memories
For the past month or so, I am realizing that I cannot remember hearing. I keep recalling memories from further back than ten months (when I lost my hearing), and they are different. I remember them as a deaf person, and then I am confused as I realize they happened before I went deaf. I can’t remember the voices of the people I was with, and I can’t remember listening to what they were saying. It’s like the memory has been altered, and now I remember sitting in silence. Yet, somehow I knew what was being discussed in each memory, but have no recollection of how I knew. That, I suppose, is the weirdest part. It’s sort of like a dream.
I’m just hoping that the memory of my family’s and friend’s voices is still lodged somewhere in the recesses of my brain, so that once my cochlear implant is turned on, I will able to hear them and recognize them again, just as it was before. It’s scary, because it’s getting harder and harder to remember as time goes on. I pray for God to give me dreams while I sleep, dreams in which I can hear them again. It hasn’t really happened yet, but I will be thankful when it does. I do have dreams where I can hear, but the people are usually acquaintances or people I knew from long ago.
The last dream I remember having was strange. I was home alone, and I opened a door to a room and in it were three cats. Two were cats we once had, Pele and Buster Brown, and the third was a white cat I had never seen before. I panicked a little because they had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. So I managed to remove the white cat from the house, and locked Pele and Buster back in the room. As I scurried to figure out what to do, I picked up the phone to call my friend, Sarah, but before she could answer I woke up from the dream. Only I was still sleeping. So it was a dream within a dream. And no human voices. I don’t even think I heard the cats’ meow. Very strange.
The last good memory I have from just before I went deaf is when we all went up to Marquette for the Independence Day holiday. That was such a great time with the kids. I remember all the places we went, and all the fun times we had up there, but I can’t for the life of me remember it with their voices and laughter. When I first lost my hearing, I had a lot of nightmares, and many of them involved our time up in Marquette. That was disheartening, because it was one of my most treasured memories at the time. I think that was one of the ways the devil was attacking me, and I would wake up each time with such fear and panic.
Thankfully, God took hold of those dreams and is protecting me now. God is so good. All the time.
Counting down to activation day
Well, we still have just a touch under 3 weeks until I can hope to have a normal conversation with my husband. As if communication within a marriage isn’t challenge enough, take away the ability of one spouse to hear the other, and you have a recipe for disaster. That’s the hand we’ve been dealt, and we’ve been making it work for the past 10 months. I won’t say we’ve been raking in the chips, but we’re still in the game, with no plans of folding (I’m not a poker champion, but I played one on tv).
I don’t have a lot of knowledge regarding these cochlear implants (ci’s), but I’m told they are amazing. I have not heard one single negative report. They are truly a miracle. Rush Limbaugh, who experienced the same type of hearing loss I did, and now has two ci’s, makes a very valuable point regarding the ci. He basically puts it into perspective by pointing out that if he had been born even 30 years earlier , and went deaf at the age he did, it would have been the end of his radio hosting career. To think that on the timeline of history of hundreds, or even thousands, of years, that we are here at this point in time. This point in time, where super smart scientists and medical researchers have made this discovery to restore hearing for deaf people. What an amazing thing. I am astounded and beyond excited.
On activation day, I will be joined by my husband, my son and daughter, and my mother-in-law. It will be a long meeting, so Grandma will be helpful in entertaining the kids. That is, unless Natalie wants to learn all about audiology (it’s not surgery, but it’s still pretty interesting). I’m keeping my expectations low, as I’ve been advised, so who knows how the day will go. If it goes anything like my surgery did, it will be just fine. I am really looking forward to hearing everyone’s voices again, but I know they may not sound the same. Heck, they probably won’t even sound natural at first, but that’s ok. This is just the next step on the road back to hearing. We just took a little detour, that’s all.
I have been saved, healed, and delivered; sozo. Praise the Lord!
Tuesday Haiku
Behind my right ear
A cochlear implant lies
Beneath missing hair
Nothing, really
Kind of a day to remember in the cochlear implant journey. Today I had my stitches taken out. Woo. Hoo. And now I can *gently* take a shower. I still have the bending and lifting restrictions for two more weeks, but I’m finding ways to work around them. Mike reattached the arm to my glasses, so I’m good there. Just need my hair to grow back behind my ear and I should be all back to “normal”.
The next step in this journey is to turn the thing on. Which will happen in 31 days. Four and a half weeks. Once we are introduced, I plan to purchase a skin or two to decorate it. Paisley, Wonder Woman, Detroit Tigers, etc.
Oh, and then? Then the mapping (programming) begins, and I take regular trips to the audiologist to get the thing trained to work with my brain. From what I hear (lol), it can take a good six months to be comfortable with it and feel like I’m hearing somewhat normally.
The doctor sent me home today with an appointment card for November. So come next winter, we’ll be talking about a second surgery to get an implant behind the left ear. Which seems impossible to think of right now, but oh well. We just keep moving forward, don’t we?
I don’t have much else on my mind lately, but I expect that’s just a result of the recent craziness of surgery and throwing birthday parties. I’ve been reading a really old book called Waiting On God, and it’s been interesting. Talks about *how* to wait, and the purpose and importance of it. I like it. I’m also reading Jesus At Walmart – The Cost, which is the second book in a trilogy. It has some dialog that is comically unrealistic, but I like the story and the spiritual content, and that’s why I decided to continue reading after I finished the first book.
Other than all that, I’m enjoying watching baseball. It’s the only thing on television I am able to enjoy without hearing. I can see what’s happening, who is playing, what the score is, etc. It’s very nice. And it doesn’t hurt that my Tigers are rockin’ it so far this season!
Post-Surgery Day 6
Yesterday was post-surgery day 6. I did get a bath earlier this week, but haven’t washed my hair since the morning of the surgery. I’m not supposed to get the incision area wet, so it’s quite a challenge, and nearly impossible to do on my own. I had not expected to be able to wash it until next Monday after I see the surgeon for follow-up (note that is one day after my son’s birthday party).
So when my dear husband offered to wash it for me, I jumped at the chance (not literally of course, given my restrictions). So I washed myself up in the bathtub and then Mike came in and very carefully, yet thoroughly, washed my hair. When your spouse is willing to help you bathe yourself, it makes it crystal clear why your marriage has lasted as long as it has.
We were on a break!
This is kinda what happens when I’m not allowed to do stuff.
Party Planning
I’m still in surgery recovery mode, and still doing well. I’m not in much pain at all, with the exception of the sharp pain that keeps repeating in my ear. The pain meds keep it tolerable, and the nurse said it sounds normal, so I’m not too worried about it. Someone told me the other day that the pain means it’s healing. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I’ll take it.
My son is turning 7 on Saturday. He is so stinkin’ excited. He’s been counting down the days for at least a week. Probably secretly even longer. We are having a simple party here at home. Since next weekend is Memorial Day weekend, and Saturday the kids have soccer games, Sunday is the day. And yes, I know that’s a tad ambitious given my recent surgery and the fact that I can’t really do much to help, but we wanted to give him a party, and we wanted it to be near the actual day of his birthday. So there it is. Someone called me a daredevil for having a party at home so soon after surgery, but the thing is, I’m not really doing any of the work! Mike is outsourcing the cake (which made me horribly sad at first when I realized I could not make what Luke wanted), and a friend of mine has insisted that she is coming over tomorrow to clean our house, and another friend volunteered to come up with games and keep the kids entertained at the party. Mike set the time of the party for 3 pm, so we don’t even need to feed anyone dinner. Just cake and ice cream. And if it doesn’t rain, the kids can all play outside, so we’re delegating the weather to God. Delegation! What a beautiful word. It’s a strategy I’ve used plenty in the past when I did a lot of volunteering, but don’t get much chance to use it now.
Little M.S. Runner 