I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but I haven’t really been blogging much lately. Lots of reasons for that, most I’ll keep to myself. But today I was jotting down some thoughts I had while folding laundry. I sometimes think my best writing comes like this, before I ever sit down to write. Since these were thoughts regarding my experience living with multiple sclerosis, I thought it would be appropriate to share here.

My expectations of myself are still, even after almost 16 hours, of someone I used to be. I expect to be able to complete activities with the same energy and stamina of someone who does not have MS. I am still hung up, and low key furious, if I’m being honest, about not being able to do “all the things.” And then I have a bad fatigue week, like last week, and I’m slamming drawers and throwing dishes because I’m angry that I can’t move my legs like a normal person. Like my former person. I *want* to do all the things. I desire to complete tasks so I make lists, I plan. But then, I collapse because just the planning of all the things has exhausted me. Dammit. And then I am overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. It’s so big, in comparison to my capabilities. But then I remind myself that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. And I ask for help. I pray to the Lord for guidance, for rest, for strength. I ask Him to give me some grace and patience for the moments. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. I remind myself that everything I do, all day every day, takes significantly more effort than it used to. Mostly this is because of my vision loss, which if I had to rate, is my very least favorite disabling feature. It is so difficult to see and I’m trying so effing hard. The striving is utterly exhausting. I’m done with it. Done, I tell you! Done!