This is just getting really old, so I thought I would tell you all about what it’s like, while I’m in the thick of it. I know it’s not going to be like this every day forever and ever, based on my history with MS, but Damn. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees right now. Is that the right phrase? I don’t know, my brain’s low on gas right now…

The most common symptom among MS sufferers is fatigue, and that is what I suffer from the most. I’ve learned to adapt and live with the hearing loss and the vision loss, and the weakness in my left leg, but the fatigue is the Beast I can’t seem to tame. It causes the most trouble the week before my monthly infusion, presumably because my body is running out of the medicine coursing through my veins. The problem is, once I get that infusion, I don’t get some magical burst of energy back. It just sort of slowly creeps back to a manageable level.

I have recently started charting my daily fatigue levels to see 1) if that fourth week after my infusion truly is when I’m at my highest level of fatigue and 2) how long does it usually take to get back to a functional energy level. I’ve just started charting, so it’s way too soon to have any usable data, but I’m hopeful that after a couple months I’ll be able to use what I’ve learned to plan my days better. If I can have more reasonable expectations on myself, than I can stop getting so frustrated.

Today, for example, I started out the day at about a fatigue level 6, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being plenty of energy for everything and 10 being flat out, unable to move. I went to Bible study, ran a quick errand, and came home and took a two-hour nap. Caffeine has almost no effect on me, so coffee is purely for looks. When I woke up from my nap the fatigue was actually worse, at an 8, so I went back to sleep for another hour. Not because sleep helps, but because what else is there to do when it’s such a struggle to move? I could watch tv or read but even my brain is fatigued so I would really just sit there feeling like a vegetable. The beautiful unconsciousness of sleep shields me from falling into depression.

I feel like I let down my family when I have to back out of activities or delay promises I’ve made, but they have yet to complain. In all honesty, I think I’m the only one bothered by this fatigue. My family and friends are always extremely gracious and understanding of me. I need to be just as gracious and understanding of myself. Because this is just a string of bad fatigue days, and they’ll be behind me soon enough. Until they are back again, of course.

***After I’ve had some time to think about this day, it occurred to me that maybe going back for that second nap was the wrong move. Maybe it would have been better if I had gone for a crappy run instead. I was scheduled to run 1.5 miles according to my current training plan, so I had every good reason to do it. After we had dinner tonight (a late, late dinner because my son had wrestling), I bit the bullet and got my miles in on the treadmill. It was hard to start but I kept with it and I’m glad I did. So, I’m going to try to remember that next time this beast rears its ugly head.

Oh! And speaking of my current training plan, I have another big race I’m signed up for, with a fellow friend who is crazy enough to run it with me. It’s a half marathon, and it’s happening at the end of May (because we’re only half crazy, get it??). This week is our first week of training, and so far, she’s doing better at staying on task than I am, but I feel like I gained a little momentum by squeaking out that treadmill run this evening. So here we go, wish me luck!